ANNOUNCEMENT AGAIN (PICKS MIC)
Once again,We made the Shortlist for the 2013 Nigerian Blog awards in the “Best Humor Blog” Category because so many of you took your time to vote for us. Now na Leen down I leen down. I take God beg una…. Voting has started and we need to win. If not for anything, do it and let us shame my Village people. Biko, Ejoor just click here,VOTE FOR US or on the nominee Badge. Fill your e-mail and name and go to our category (Best Humor Blog) and check for our name “Home Of Humor Stories”. If you get any e-mail, please click the link to confirm your vote. I love you all (no homo guys, its 14years).
To Fully Enjoy/Gbadun dis story,READ PART ONE HERE The Toasting
I couldn’t continue like this….
I knew I needed external help and I knew where to get it.
The term was almost ending. We were done with our examinations and were at that period where you just come to school and play for about 2 weeks whilst teachers compiled results to determine who had carried first and who had carried kpo!
I had two weeks to get the girl I had always dreamed about…Shade in SS1b.
From my private investigations, she was still single and she liked me. But she was a girl na, so I had to muster up the courage to tell her ‘the koko’.
When Monday morning came, I walked up to Joel. The man with the Plan. The man who had 3 babes inside one school and it was all going smoothly. He was the last of 7 boys, so he had learnt the ropes perfectly from his elder ones. He knew what to say, what to do to make you laugh. I had even seen him cry for a babe when things got tough and he had for eternity always convinced me that there was nothing hard there. “Just go, look the babe deep inside her eyes”, he would say “and the words go just dey come outside”
LASTma like me, if I followed the same process, the only words that would come out of my mouth would be “My friend, park here!”.
“Na you dey dull yourself. I dey see dat girl eye, she love you die but you need to say something. See, women are like that”, He started with his pep talk again. “You need to make her feel wanted”, (he said whilst imitating a hug). “You need to go close to her” (he stepped close to me).
“You need to look into her eyes (He looked into my own eye) and just say it slowly with all the emotions you can (his face quickly compressed to reveal that what he was about to say was from deep within). Shade, I can’t stop thinking about you.” The words came so slowly, so from somewhere that could easily be described as the bottom of his heart, that I could understand why girls loved this boy.
“Now pretend I’m the girl” he said “tell me how you feel about me”. I agreed and stepped up to him. “Good afternoon Shade” I said. “Cut!” he screamed “which one is good afternoon? And why are you boning your face like you are drinking iya kamoru’s agbo? What you should say is something like ‘hello pretty’ and smile, my friend, smile. See Stevo, the words have to flow. Just let it flow…in short, I know what to do!”
He ran out of the class…
Minutes later, he returned with the adage that if Mohammed wouldn’t go to the mountain, the mountain would come to Mohammed. Instantly, I understood what he meant. He had gone to tell the babe that I wanted to see her after school.
Time wore on painfully…
My mind was a mash of emotions.
What would I say, how would I begin.
I painted different scenarios in my head as to how to go about it, and all of them seemed to end in me turning Jet Li and speaking Chinese again.
The sound I did not want to hear came.
I tried to get up but something was holding my butt to the seats. Joel forcefully dragged me up. As I was walking out of the class, I kept repeating to myself “Let it flow, Just Let it flow.”
Then, I saw her waiting for me alone in front of her class. I fainted within, even though I was conscious in reality. Joel kept pushing me on. Encouraging me to let it flow. That this is nothing. Each step that took me closer to her was arduous.
Joel quickly walked in front of me, went to her said something that made her laugh, while he waved goodbye. Just less than 10 seconds with her and she was laughing. How come every one these days is ‘basketmouth’, except me?
5 steps and I would be face to face with her. All that was in my head was the constant reminder to let it flow.
“Hello cutie” I heard myself say, “how are you doing today?”
“Very fine, Stephen” she replied with a very wonderful smile.
“And you?” she asked.
“Awesome and even more, now that I have seen you.”
Hian??? Na me be dis?
So far so good oh, no chinese! ( e fun oluwa l’ogo!!!!)
Can I walk you home? I asked.
“Yeah no problem, I’d love that”
Una hear am?, she says she’ll love that o….. omo e be like the something don sha dey flow o
10minutes into the walking home, I had not said a word. We were just walking side by side like a quarreling old couple. The amount of calculation going on in my head at that point eh! No super computer in the world could carry out that much calculation in a minute. When we got to the Junction from which she would walk to her house, she said, “Joel said you wanted to tell me something and you haven’t said anything really”
From nowhere, I heard myself saying;
“The thing is, Shade, what I wanted to tell you is that…” I stepped closer to her,
Looked her eyeball to eyeball,
I held her gaze for all of about 10seconds.
Chai ! I said…
azzin if you imagine what I said…
“Just wanted to tell you that if you had any problem in chemistry, I’m always here to help”
Ababio quickly appeared on my shoulder and also said “Charlie! Dex ten you are talk be ah nonsense”
Honestly, in my head I thought I said I liked her and she was beautiful and all the other things I was supposed to say. How the words “problem” and “chemistry” escaped my lips beats me till today.
The disappointment was just too obvious. I heard her say a half-hearted “Okay” and “I’ll see you tomorrow” as she walked on without even looking back like they do in all those romance movies. (Play sorrowful soundtrack here)
I cursed my Village people as I walked home, and all night before I fell asleep. The morning sun rays coming into my room only helped to remind me of how much of a chemistry teacher wanna-be I was the previous day. But my God had not forgotten me.
Pastors Voice: Somebody say amen!, Halleluyah Somebody. Charlie! The lad is Ged. Charlie me ah be tell u say, dis is ah day dat de led has med
I was recounting my ordeal the previous day, to my head coach Joel. He was already rambling on and on about how this was easy, and I was a dulling guy. “Even if you no get anything to talk, just dey ask am questions. She go do the talking, errr dis boy where you come from?”
He was rambling on, when something caught his attention and he stopped talking. Turning around to see what had taken his interest, I saw Shade and I fainted again.
…“Hi Joel”, “Hello preeeeety” he replied. I Immediately crammed the way he said it, the cadence of his voice and the babe-magnetic pace at which those two words came out of his mouth. Genius, absolutely genius, I tell you.
“Hi stephen, can I please see you for some minutes”
Like Black Magic, Joel disappeared and I was left alone with the only advise I could remember that morning.
“just dey ask am questions”
“So what’s up” I heard myself say with hot piss building up in my bladder. (abeg u guys should free me joor. “Whats up” no be question?)
“I wanted you to explain something in chemistry for me, that I don’t understand”
I knew what this meant. This girl liked me but I just had to be the one to make the move. She had done the best she could as a girl to form, “explain chemistry for me”.
For the next 50 minutes, I was as fluent as President Obama during his campaign, explaining all sorts of things to her. Lord knows what I really wanted to explain was body chemistry. *wink*
Make her understand that I might be looking calm on the outside but inside me I have ya werey
For the next 7 days, I kept teaching her chemistry and walking her home in silence, while she did most of the talking. Things were just different with her. Even when she offered me iya biliki’s babadudu it tasted sweeter to me. I always sent her text messages at night, from those 200 Love sms books. But talk wetin dey der for real life. No way.
My Coach, Joel kept pushing me to tell her my mind. “See, make I tell you. As far say you never tell her anything, that girl na your guy just like me. Na your person, your nigga. Your friend. And if another guy come chook head now, she don go be that and u no go fit vex.”
Whenever I finished talking to Joel
I charged ‘argh!!!!!!!!!!!’ like the incredible hulk. But whenever she came around, I became ‘meow’ like a frightened kitten.
3 days to the end of the term, and I had still not told her my mind. Joel even gave me a note to practice what I was going to tell her.
It read :
“Shade I really don’t know how to say this (pause for 4 seconds), but I can’t help it anymore. (while saying this, squint your eyes and shake your head to the left and right). The way you make me feel is like nothing I have ever felt before. (just keep looking at her for 10 seconds). When I’m around you I feel (repeat twice) really(pause) really (pause) special. Nothing else just matters to me in school, other than hearing your voice (look at her lips) and seeing your beautiful face (look around her face). You make me happy and I…… I just want a chance (break and take a deep breath)… a chance to make you happy too. I care aboutchu….i needchu and I wantchu to be my girl. I want to be there for you at anytime. Please just give me a chance (hold her hand and look into her eyes). You can say no, but a yes would be giving your heart a chance to overwhelming happiness, Shade this might be too early, but I love you. Please dont say No”
*Years Later, I found out that the above note was from a movie that starred Emeka Ike and Genevieve and the nigga just copied and gave to me.*
For the next two days, I practiced without restraint. I planned to tell her the words on the final day of school, just incase she dull me omo I would have about two months to recover before I saw her again.
Joel my Coach was very helpful to remind me of where to pause and where to squint my eyes and where to hold her hand.
Of particular concern to me was the part where I said nothing else matters in school except her. Whenever I got to that line, either ababio appeared and asked “charlie! Even me dant matter?”
Or I imagined my father hearing me say that the only thing that mattered to me was a babe. (na die get me be that)
The Deal Day arrived.
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN
I was a nervous wreck that day.
I held my love note very well and glanced at it periodically as the time approached. Teachers went into each class and distributed results. I couldn’t care less what I made, I had a greater calling to answer.
CLOSING BELL RANG
As I opened my desk to look once more at my note, before proceeding to action, I couldn’t find it. I panicked. This couldn’t be happening. I know I had practiced over and over but the words just disappeared from my head.
Joel came to inform me that my Bellé was waiting to be dazzled by my sweet words. I wanted to retreat but I had told her yesterday that I would tell her that thing I always wanted to tell her today.
I walked out…not knowing what to say as I approached her at our designated meeting point. Each step and my brain got even more empty. I was face to face with her at this point. “Hi Shade” I said. At least I no forget that one.
“Hey Stephen” she replied rather dully,
“Before you say anything stephen, I have something to tell you”“Shhhh” I said while placing my hand on her lips (I learnt it from one movie I saw the previous night o) “I have been postponing this for too long, and its time I let it out”
and then the words came…..
“Shade,I don’t know how else to say this, but I really like you. I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while now but for some reasons the words have refused to come. I care alot aboutchu. Spending time with you just makes me the happiest boy on earth. I wish I had done this earlier and I hope it is not too late now. You have a wonderful heart and i want to be a part of your life not just as a friend. Please Shade, be my girlfriend and I will make you a very happy girl”
Omo see flow!!!
I Believed myself.
I looked at her face.
She had waited so long to hear me say those words, obviously.
The unexpected suddenly happened. A tear drop ran down her face.
Either this meant… Omo I bad pass Tony Montana or the rubbish I had said was so bad that it pushed her to tears.
Then she said the words no guy in this world wants to hear….”I’m sorry Stephen, I can’t” (in my mind, I held my chest and shouted JESUS!)
“Why?” I asked almost in tears (Please Lord don’t let her say “its not you its me” I prayed)
“That’s what I wanted to tell you before you started. I really really like you and I have been waiting for the day you would eventually ask me out. But the thing is that, my dad got a job in Abuja and he is relocating the entire family there. I won’t see you again after today. We leave tomorrow.” and she broke into real tears.
Nna! I wanted to cry too but I had to console her, kinda.
See what being a Lastma Official had caused me. Once more I walked her home in silence. When we got to her junction, I gave her a big teddy bear hug and assured her that we will keep communicating somehow. And even if things did not work out for the dating thing, we could still be friends (pathetic! I must say).
I watched her walk the entire length of her street, get to her gate, look at me one last time and go in. Something told me I would never see her again and as if to reinforce that thought, Ababio appeared on my shoulder to remind me “Charlie! She be really gone”
I got home that day, and I wailed.
I learnt from this, that time waits for no one and the best time to plant was ten years ago, and the next best time to plant, is now.
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