The problem with doing something for the first time is that….
Most people,instead of asking questions and getting directions, prefer to form….
Sometimes, its a far better approach, Cos when u ask, niggas end up making u look like an idiot!
U meet someone on the road and you are Like “bros, pls which way is so so and so close,”
And he’s like “wen u go front u take the first left….. Not the right o, the first left..u will see one first bank there, abi u know first bank?”
In my mind am Like,No I don’t know first bank… I know 3rd bank…. Nonsense!
I experienced something similar, when I eventually got a Job, and dey decided to take me abroad for training…..
Me wen neva enter plane before…..
My first time come b international flight…
How I wan use do?
Worse still was that, I knew NADA about wat happens in an airport.
I pass by it regularly,but wetin wan kari me go der.. Wen d Young shall grow motors still dey?
N2500 to owerri……
N4000 to abuja…
To make it even “worster” if derz sumfin like dat!
D people preparing me for the Journey just assumed dat as a bad guy! I sabi every..
I could not start falling their hand by asking ’em some foolish questions like
“Bros! How e dey be if d plane wan move…”
The day drew closer with dread and excitement for me….
I mean who no go happy to go abroad?
My parents prayed for me eh!
Rubbed me enuff olive oil, whilst Casting,binding and tearing any evil wen wan stop their pikin from reachin away…
Thank God I don’t barb gorimakpa!
D effect plus d olive oil fit make dem turn me back for airport for “overshining of head”.
The protocol guys took me to the airport, showed me where to check in pointed out to me where I was going to be searched before being allowed to go through, as most asian countries had a death penalty for anyone caught with drugs in their country…
Omo abeg I asked if paracetamol was part of drugs, cos I had a sachet stuffed in my suit pocket!
Yes dats right!!!!! I wore a suit (??? ) ….with jeans sha!
Na wa for u oh!
I gast look like “no be today we don dey travel out na?”
**in american accent**
I been to the states,
Last week I was in the local government, nigga please we do dis shii errytime.
Omo, U need see ma face when dem dey search my bags.
I fear cos I mean, my face no good to show for crime fighters na…
I was hugely relieved when they asked for the next person and I locked ma box!
Walked straight to check-in like say no be today!
Got ma tickets like say no be today!
Walked to the place where the immigration people were like say no be today too..
One woman, looking at me, and deeming me learned in airport activities, even stopped me to ask me for directions somewhere and I directed her like say no be today cos one of the protocol guys had mentioned the place to me earlier….
As I scaled all the immigration brouhaha
And all their “fine boy,na so u wan leave us for this country go? Find us something na, give us some dollars.”
Dollars ke? I just dey go ni
I arrived at the waiting Lounge for departure,
I must note here that Nigerians can form…
D kind of things dey wear if dem wan travel, for doz of us who it was our first time, u’ll almost think mid way in the air, the pilot will announce “Legoooooo its time for parrie!!!!!!, and all d plane seats will fold backwards giving us space to rock d life outta ourselves”
Guess dat only happens on soul plane abi?
From d miniest of gowns to the make-up omo mehn! At a point even wif all ma suiting up, I felt like they would be angry and either throw me off the plane or make me start serving tea…
A voice came over the p.a and made an announcement…
All of a sudden everyone was getting on their feet and lining up…
Na me 1 carry last?
Nna I lined up too….
It was actually time to board d plane…
Even when I was walking to the plane
If person tell u say na ma first time u no go gree…
But as I approached d plane? I saw the air hostesses looking at a particular paper each passenger had and directing them somewhere!
It was when I was almost close I realised they would check ur ticket and motion u in the direction your seat would be.
I quickly retrieved mine.
when the Oyibo hostess looked at my ticket and said “wghygvuyreaspotginthvnedt dis way mr stephen, enjoy ur flight” indicated d direction I was to go to, only God saved me from saying eh!?
Na there I for use fall ma hand cos behind me wia two cuties who must have landed str8 from heaven for d flight
I got to my seat.
They usually keep an earphone with which u can watch movies on d screen, right in front of you, together with a blanket, just incase you get too cold during the journey! Sorry joor flight! Na local be Journey!
I arranged maself.
I came onboard d flight with Just a school bag,containing my Lappy! I stowed it on top of me and settled in my seat!
That’s when I noticed,
Dat all around me, der wasn’t a single black person on the flight…
I mean white people everywhere
I saw some black people pass but none of them settled in any seat around me..
Like say dem say make all d black people go back!
I come dey wonder whether I neva sitdon d wrong place
Now d question na who I go ask?
How I go use ask?
“Sorry, ehm excuse am I supposed to be seating here?”
The devil with his little fork and the angel in all his whiteness appeared on ma shoulder like dey usually do In times like dis
“Stevoooooo” d devil said “na so dem go take comot u for dis plane? Afta all man for ur area don hear say u dey travel? My guy jejeje dey go back”
“Stephen, my son, dis seat thou seatest on is thine divine inheritance, from time immemorial, it has been ordained unto thee,be not quick to let it go!”. The angel replied!
To make matters worse,
One oyibo guy came near ma seat and was lookin at it like guy stand up? But den continued on…..
Being a christian,plus all d olive oil dem rub me for house, I decided the seat was my divine inheritance (??? )
I noticed then, dat airplanes had seat belts
I mean, I see it in the movies but real life seat belt,
Everyone was fixing theirs in place
U had to put it round u instead of across u like in cars
And put it inside somewhere and drag it…
Omo! I have never watched people do something more carefully like dat in my life!
Then I picked it up
Crossed it around me waist
And as I was about to put it in I heard
“Mumu no be like dat”
Azzin Oyibo wen dey speak pidgin?
But of course it wasn’t
Twas d stupid devil voice in my head!
“Thou art on the right path” replied the angel!
I wondered why he spoke in KJV na wa….
By now most of the people sitting around me had noticed, I was just holding the seat belt and waiting, omo no time! I took a leap of faith lifted something up and put the other end in… And I heard it click!
**Praiiseeeeeeeee Ye Jesus!
The lord hath redeemed me from all shame
He casteth my enemies away!
He hath uplifted me
He fallest not mine hands in the midst of my enemies!**
I thank God we don’t talk dis way aswear!
Cos niggas would be like
“I solomon son of david son of nathan son of joachim sayest unto thee… Thou art truly a fair maiden”
just to say baby ur fine….bleeeeh!
Back to the matter…
Don’t open and close anythin, attempt to touch ur toes or worse still open dat cavity!
Everyone was turning the screen in front of them on.
I did the same…
It was touch screen with a remote control affixed to the underside of the screen
I mean who doesn’t know how to operate a touch screen right?
The answer to that question dat day was me!
I turned It on,
It showed various options information,communication,entertainment hence d name ICE…
God knows I pressed the big E on the screen indicating entertainment..
I looked at my seat partner a white young woman, probably french or so, as she pressed the same E? And it showed her various options!
I pressed it again…NO SHOW
I began to think maybe no be really my seat be dis oh!
Pressed it again! … The E seemed to get bigger and shine brighter like “my guy, bone I no dey show anything”
The lady beside me seeing me in distress,
Stretched her hand and pressed dat same E, d same way I was pressing it, with the same finger I was using and it changed….
I turned, smiled at her dat kain smile when u know say u don fall ur hand.. Am sure I was lookin like a FOOL and said “thanks”
To which she replied “OUI monsieur”
In my mind am like ur father oui! Nonsense (??? ) but I kept smiling nevertheless
Abi the thing don change,
Now na to press am again select the movie I want!
I prayed d Lord’s prayer as I slowly stretched my finger to Life of PI whose trailer was on the screen!
No time to attempt scrolling the list of movies on the side…
To press never work na scrollin wan work?
As I outstretched my finger, it seemed everyone in the plane stopped breathing…
I closed my eyes as my hands impacted the screen…
After like 5seconds or eternity I can’t remember now, I opened my eyes and the movie had started playin!
?(?^?)? (?^?)/ ?(???)? ?(???)?. ?(???)? (~’,’)~
*in Gino’s voice* No be God?
I woke up from my sleep!
Someone had tapped me,
But no fear,
I was still on the plane…
I personally,made sure it was no dream! Because I for too vex for who wake me.
if na wen winsh dey pursue person
Nobody go come wake u!
But anytime u dey dream better ting
Awon werey go come wake person!
My french friend had woken me up
They were about serving food,
I remembered seeing a paper that contained what they would be serving inflight!
You could have any drinks you wanted, except champagne which you had to pay for.
I looked at the menu
I was lost!
My brothers n sisters,
Nothing der was close to what we usually had @home… No eba and soup,even d rice der had some funny names beside it! I began doubting if it was another food spelt the same way or it was d same rice I knew!
On looking closely,I realised it was just appetiser first! Looked like tea or something!
The air hostess kept rollin the platform containing the food, stopping seat by seat, inquiring what they wanted.
As they came closer to my seat, my heart began beating faster,and I zoned out.
I was brought back to reality by a voice,
Sonorous voice I must say,
If dem beg u sometin wit dis kind voice u can’t say No
I opened my eyes! They wia beside me
“Tea or Coffee sir?” She inquired
Don’t know why but my first response was coffee!
Thinking it would end there, the next question almost floored me,
“Black or white?”
I hear them ask dis questions in movies but I’ve never bothered to find out which was which
“Black” I responded
“Yes” d devil shouted gleefully!
Oya put d black one for cup na! Make I drink sleep she asked!
“Cream or No cream!”
In my Imagination, I saw her opening a bottle of pears baby Lotion or even revlon lotion and pouring inside, so I abruptly blurted out
No Cream biko!
“Sugar or No sugar!”
I still replied No sugar!
They gave me d most bitter cup of liquid I had ever tasted! Even more bitter than the local agbo one of my neighbours oropo used to give me during service at abeokuta.
Na me wan carry last? I took a gulp
And did aaaaaah! Like when u drink cold coke!
The lady beside me asked “nice right?”
“Wonderful” I responded with that same smile from before….
After a time,
They started serving food!
After lookin through the menu and seeing only gibberish! I was wondering what I would do.
Excitement say I dey travel abroad no even gree me chop food for house before I move!
I Looked at that menu again!
Rice with God knows what sauce
Rassma rasmasa an indian special
Fried shit spiced with mess…dey could as well have put that (??? ) cos I no undastand wetin dem dey write there….
They came to my table,
The french woman picked hjedsuwtoppphdeyhnj with vegetables,
And d waitress smiled at her and said “excellent choice”.
The food is usually sealed in a foil
But around it u still have some other stuffs like a cup, some chocolates etc.
D waitress then turned to me and asked “what will you be having sir?”
Na me no go make excellent choice?
Abeg gimme d same thing
She smiled at me.
I think they are taught to do dat now am tinking of it
Am sure if I had said “baba e!!!” in yoruba, Which means ur father,she would have also replied excellent choice!
My french neighbour decided to start with the chocolates….
Me wen hunger wan fire my life
No time I opened the food to reveal what was inside!
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN
Trust me it was rice… D problem was rice and what?
Inside the foil, I saw a whole lotta vegetables,grassy lookin things and one green looking kinda sauce with raw tomato, and a whole lotta things I had never seen before….
Me wen dey sabi select food.
I dint even know wia to start from mehn!
I quietly and slowly poured and drank Juice trying to form deep interest in d movie I was watching, all in a bid to allow ma french friend start the eating make I see as them dey do am!
And started eating hers
I could see obvious satisfaction on her face…
So me sef bone na!
Packed rice and a lot more grass and tomato and shii.
As it entered my mouth and I attempted chewing,
Instantly, my Imaginations endowed me with horns…
I could literally feel them protruding from the top of my head as I chewed all the grass….
At this point am sure if someone had attempted to insult me and call me a goat, if I tried responding all that would come out from my mouth would be
“Mmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” like a goat!
But I don start na, no be so
I shoved more grass,tomato and rice into my mouth, using the Juice to better the taste, whilst smiling like say I dey chop my favorite ewa-agoyin
The madam beside me, seeing my smile, assumed I was enjoying the meal as she asked “wonderful right?”
I was so pained. Eh! Na u put me for dis wahala indirectly dey ask me wonderful.
I dint know wen I responded “nna gi der”
“Eh?” She said
“Excellent” I replied like those phony air hostesses
I thought the worst was over,
Until few minutes to landing as the P.A announced, I heard a familiar rumbling in my stomach!
My system obviously tailored over the years to understand our normal food was saying “Bros hafa na? wetin be dis wen u give us now, we no want again, abeg take am back”
The rumbling grew louder
I silently prayed no one else was hearing it.
The plane Landed, and I Hurried out although careful to break my fast steps with some slow ones make the thing no fall out
Sharperly Located the airport toilet,
And mehn! I made it Rain!
Varying sounds were emanating from me, simultaneously raising the temperature of the men’s room.
After some 10 mins or so
I breathed the sweet air of freedom (shatap! D toilet wasn’t smelling (??? ) )
Y’all know this feeling right?
I had an interconnecting flight to catch in 25 mins or so…
I tidied myself up
Stood up to flush when I encountered another problem…
Where to press to flush!
This Oyibo people
Make normal toilet dem no go gree.
I was left staring at a toilet I dint know where to touch to flush.
(A picture of this toilet is at the end of this post!)
It had an obvious lever to the right dat seemed like dat was it. But I tried it and it did not work.
I just stood there dumbfounded!
There were voiced in d mens room no doubt waiting to see the face of this person who had made so much noise in the toilet.
Not flushing seemed wrong.
Not in this beautiful city.
I stood there wondering what to do
I had resigned to fate and shame and as I closed the Lid, I heard dat familiar flushing sound!
**in testifying ibo woman’s voice**
BredLen join me and thank d rod! because he has savedu me from shame!
T’onu chineke! Eeeeeeee
I walked out to see all the faces looking at me like “oh bros na u?”
In my heart I was like ” he who hath not shitteth,messeth nor produced such sounds from thine hind place before,should cast the first stone”
I checked into my next 6hours flight now like a pro
Settled into my seat.
Using that toilet had drained me so I just wanted to rest….
I closed my eyes to sleep
And I was awoken with a familiar voice
Another air hostess again
Asking me, sir what will you be having
“Abcdefgh with ijklmno and Juice
Pqrstu with vwxyz and Juice”
In My mind am like You people again?
Once beaten twice shy
Aint having the abc or pqr whatever
No be my career una go kill
Cos if I chop anything again
Release inside this plane
Headline news straight
“Nigerian Humour writer,crashes plane with toxic fumes from his behind”
I looked at her,
“Nne biko give me water eh! Just water
Not black nor white, without cream and without sugar
God bless you!”
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