The Ex-girlfriends Tale (T.E.X.T)


See ehn! How I reached the conclusion that Barbara was my final bustop is still beyond comprehension. If one was to go by the stories we are regaled with in movies and book,that when you meet “the one” as they are referred to, the world just stops. They make it look like “the one” causes so much butterflies in your stomach that if someone was to press your stomach hard enough, you would start vomiting those beautifully winged creatures. Well, in my case, albeit it wasn’t that way, I Just knew this was it and she was it. Nothing exceptional or remarkably out of the ordinary in my opinion.

Different reactions trailed my decision to get married. My mother for some reason had taken a particular liking to Barbara and was ecstatic, while my father beamed with manly pride at my decision to finally become, in his own words, “responsible”. As for my guys-The Homeboys, they could not believe it when I brought them together amidst bottles and broke the news to them that I, fondly referred to as “the Uncle”, was going to tie the knot.. I could see the bewildered expression on their faces asking how and why I had decided to “tie my nuts”. We had been very close pals dating as far back as secondary school days and if people who knew us well could cast a vote as to who would leave bachelorhood first, I would have carried kpo – a word used by my Yoruba friends to describe when someone comes an astounding last.

Big Josh was the only one in the crew who wasn’t particularly surprised. He constantly reiterated whenever the opportunity presented itself, that this Barbara babe had jazzed me “see guys I don tell Una, that babe don wash put for Stevo. She don use am make pepper-soup for the boy. Babes these days no dey put am for normal food again. Dem dey use am do pepper-soup so you go drink am well well and e go enter like mad. Aswear if you finally marry this babe the souvenir wen I go print go be After much much 2014 Barbara Hooks Stephen” He always said, drawing great laughter from the guys and denial on my part that that was the case. I couldn’t see it but it was obvious, that this babe had taken a part of me.

The way time runs when you’re about to take a major life decision is amazing. Before you know what is happening my brothers and sisters in the Lord I don collect List. Faster than you can say “John-bull my son” I was sitting down and one babe was looking for me in a crowd with wine while other guys were waving their hands for her to come towards them. When it dawned on me that obago was when she eventually found me, knelt down, drank small from the wine, and gave me to finish the remaining contents of the cup. No do no do my people ehn!, I was traditionally married.

So here I am. On the “D Day” about to make the biggest decision of my life. I can’t back out now. The squad had made sure all the wedding arrangements went according to plan. They told me to just concentrate on getting married. I had chosen Big Josh to be my best man because honestly he had been my best man for as long as I can remember. No matter how hard he tried, his eyes betrayed the fact that he could not still believe I was leaving the G circle.

Looking at the mirror, I could see my neatly carved hair courtesy of “small”my ghetto barber who had refused to leave the ghetto and hone his skills on a larger scale. My Giorgio Armani suit, hugging every part of my body tightly as if to prevent me from running away from the wedding, if I considered the thought. The white shirt and a sky blue Thomas pink tie, sitting atop a glistening black Kurt Geiger shoes gave me that same groom look I saw on the faces of the guys whose weddings I had attended. Even if I was unsure of what was going on, as I stepped out of the hotel I had dressed up into a well decorated jeep with “The Groom” written on the plate numbers, I knew this was finally it.

Please don’t get me wrong. I was excited about getting married o but my excitement no fit reach Barbara own. Women eh! Marriage can sweet dem like mad. In this age of social networking, that continually makes the world smaller, everybody knows everybody and it is relatively easy for information to spread to the ends of the world. BBM and Facebook are more than enough tools to ensure that both Amadioha, Sango and your dead ancestors know that you’re having an event. Just one post there and voilà! You just succeeded in inviting from an Oga at the top to Musa your former gate man who surprisingly weeks ago, sent you a request on facebook. But you know women na, Barbara inclusive. Everybody must know o. All those village people who felt they will die single, must know that their plans failed. Hence from when they get proposed to, the ring don appear for their BBM, Facebook, Instagram and even 2go. Other babes too, whether they are happy for the person who got a ring or not, usually put up the same picture to remind their current boo not to be forming “not seeing”whenever he is passing where they are selling ring.

Personally, I would have preferred to go the whole event low-key because as I and the squad always joked, with all our escapades and adventures with women, it won’t be surprising for somebody to stand up and give reasons why the marriage shouldn’t hold. I specifically got assured by the pastor that no such question would be asked today. Na when person don suffer plan wedding, pay for hall finish and buy better suit such as I’m wearing now na im person go come say e get reason to stop the wedding. Repeat after me “Tufia for my village people.”

People I had not seen in years, had either called or sent me messages on various social networks both congratulating me and assuring me of their presence or apologizing for not being able to make it as the case may be. To be candid, I couldn’t care less for some of the callers. All I wanted was for today to just come and go as planned without drama.

But You know how this life sometimes is. No matter how hard you try to make sure things go according to plan, Life has her own way of throwing in twists and turns. As I stepped down from the car into the church premises it was almost like a house of horror. A gathering of my past. Exactly the people you didn’t want to see on your wedding day. How some of them got here still befuddles me. The sight before me made me lose all confidence that today would be uneventful.

Every corner I cast my eyes, I could see an ex-girlfriend, some friends with benefits, and some others whom I can’t even describe the relationship I had with them. On a day like this, it is not unheard of for some of your exes maybe like one or two, to come around (especially when you have had like one million) but not the entire crew na. It was almost like someone had gone round, specially invited and made sure they made it to the wedding. Azzin e come be like say dem get Association of any babe that has had something to do with uncle Stephen’s meeting and had unanimously reached a decision to honor my wedding with their presence.

Whilst still trying to take all that was before me in, I saw Clara walk towards me with a twinkle in her eyes. How did she find out I was getting married?.With each step that brought her closer to me, I  closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to God in my heart. “please father. Let today go well and according to your will abeg. Please and please and please Lord, this is one day I do not want my Village people to succeed.”I opened my eyes, and there she was in front of me “hi Stevie” I heard her say, just exactly the same way she used to sound. I couldn’t resist it. The memories came pouring in.



(kneels down and raises hands)Wait don’t abuse me. You are a Christian its not right in the sight of the Lord. That’s why its called a prologue.

Want to find out who Clara is?
Then watch out for episode one

Meanwhile if your vexing too much, read other hilarious stories on the blog here All stories If you have read them. Read again.I know you’ve forgotten

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Till then,
Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
BBM: 7B749FD0


25 thoughts on “The Ex-girlfriends Tale (T.E.X.T)

  1. ‘Na when person don suffer plan wedding, pay for hall finish and buy better suit such as I’m wearing now na im person go come say e get reason to stop the wedding. Repeat after me “Tufia for my village people.”

    Hahahahaa!!! You and your village people eh. One day, all of una go put leg inside trouser. Kai! You this guy.

  2. For mai mind, I dey siddon dey read with full concentration. I no know say na d tip of d iceberg I dey taste so.

    Oga stevo make we no fight o. Abeg release d series 1 asap. Can’t wait

    Una Welldone

  3. I’m never surprised each time I read your stories, laughter till tear drops is certain for JJC, laughter to roll on the floor for amateur but laughter that ppl will think one is getting mad for professionals.
    you are doing great man!

  4. Pingback: The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode One | 100% Nigerian Humor