The Ex-girlfriends Tale Episode 3

Read previous episodes here to thoroughly enjoy this one…


My warri friend onos say him people talk say when lion see wetin pass am instead of to roar, wetin go comot him mouth na “meow meow”. See me that was feeling like one gangsta Rastafarian. But my people eh, this Clara girl had bought WAHL clipper and was barbing all my Dada slowly and steadily, And in all respect winning the race.

As I sat at that table drinking with the guys and gisting about politics women, while kitty Kat was waiting for Jack sparrow, I was deep in thought. I touched my pocket and continually wondered if this oga abeg medicine was indeed the way to go.

They say a problem shared is a problem half solved. But there are some problems you can’t just share with people, especially your guys. The homeboys, on noticing my countenance, kept asking me if all was well to which I replied yes, and tried as much as I could to join in the conversation but shet men I was far away.

You know guys na, how do I begin to explain to them what I was going through without being laughed at. No guy in this world would ever want to believe that a girl exists out there that was so good in bed, that you couldn’t handle it any more and had become tired of it. How do I explain to them that I was now the uncle, an engineer by day, and jack sparrow, a pirate at night. Above all,how do I explain to onos My warri friend,say bone that him proverb o, e get as Patrick go dey eh, ashewo go resign from the work.

There was no way my guys would understand even if I explain from now till next 12years. All man would just naturally assume that I was weak and according to ONOSaic wisdom,“you fit call man stupid,call am foolish fool but e no go pain am reach say make you talk say e no sabi do”.

Another sms entered my phone, from Clara “please Stevie,come back home,kitty Kat needs her milk” and all I could think to myself was milk milk everytime when did I even start working with cowbell.

I and the guys went our separate ways, after I had had enough drinks to ensure that once I got in eh na sleep straight. As I knocked on the door and she opened eh. I knew this life was just a pot of well cooked ewa-agoyin.

All my resolve shattered as I saw her. Wherever she got the sexy leather whatever she was putting on, only sango knows. The sexiness and come to me mama was just oozing out of her and pouring on the ground, threatening to flood my entire room.

I am not proud to say it But I dived her. I willingly accept to be a well fattened cow and produce all the milk she wanted in this life. I no even try remember the oga abeg medicine wen I buy.

You know that guilt feeling that arises in you when you have done something you swore not to do especially in situations like this, I was wearing it all over me like jalamia hours later when we took short break to allow us freshen up and continue the pasteurization process later.

I just lay on the bed as she was bathing, swearing for myself and cursing my village people. I decided again not to continue no matter what she did. But my people,uncle Stephen proposes this babe Clara disposes. As she came out of the bathroom in all her eve nature and went to change the track playing in the background (can’t remember which it was exactly this time abeg no vex) and came towards me, I channelled all my inner chi to ensure that my body refused to respond. At least maybe she go calm down but not this babe. This one was an expert. Just one or two touch here and there and Jack sparrow shouted “oyolima” like flavour and was ready for work again.

Her words kept replaying in my head “Steve can you handle it?, Steve are you good in bed?” while she was busy milking me,screaming obscenities and calling on the good Lord all at the same time.

We fell asleep later on after eagle come tif her chicken pikin again and she let out a huge cry, and after somewhere in between, I literally refused being handcuffed. I kid you not my people somewhere in between the baby produced a handcuff which I had only seen in movies to handcuff her father to the window burglary close to the bed. I was shocked and surprised at the same time. I know say I dey like adventure but what if the handcuff been no get key. Na so somebody father for handcuff to window when no be say I dey crime fighters.

To my greatest surprise i woke up on Sunday morning, to her preparing for church and urging me to hurry up, so we wouldn’t miss service. I didn’t even want to know how and why she arrived at this decision but I decided to go and see if the good Lord she always called out to, would touch her heart.

Sometimes I wonder if it is planned. This pastors just know how to pick the topic for what you have committed. You steal someone’s girlfriend that day they will preach on covetousness. You kill a mosquito at night they will preach thou shall not kill.You just collected salary they will preach on tithe. You and your babe just woke from the same bed and came to church, guess the topic? Fornication of course.

The pastors voice boomed from the pulpit.“fornication is a siiiiiiiiiin, some of you are desecrating the temple of Goooooooood” he rambled on and on and my conscience was pricking me continually. Clara dey my side too be like the message too been dey enter her blood vessels and I hoped that was the case honestly.

“Brother,I want you to read with a loud voice, Ephesians 5 vs 5. Ushers please give him the Mic” the pastor was looking directly at me as he said so. Sharp Sharp Mic don reach my hand and I opened my bible wen I no fit remember when last I open AM.

“For you know this with certainty” I said “for you know this with what?” The pastor echoed “certainty” the church replied “read on my brother”
“That no immoral or impure person or covetousness man” I said with the pin of guilt piercing deeper and deeper into my soul. The pastor echoed that line to the heavens “go on brother” he urged me. “Who is an idolater,has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” “has no what brother ?” He asked “inheritance” I replied “no what?” “Inheritance” I replied again “noooooo waaaaaaat? Louder brother” “inheritaaaaaaaaanceeee” I screamed at the top of my voice jabbing the guilt pin to the bottom of my heart.

After some more minutes of making us feel guilty he ended his sermon and did alter call. Fellow adulterers and fornicators started heading to the pulpit. I been no one go but as Clara head towards that place, my heart was finally broken and I stepped out to the pulpit to hand over my own life too to Jesus.

When we returned to our seat, we were both solemn and in fact after the service she decided she would head straight home instead of going back to my place. Kai this was real change taking place in this babes life. I also resolved to follow the way of the Lord from there forwards.

4 hours later….
**PimPim PimPim**
I received a text message

“But kitty Kat misses Jack sparrow?”

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I just knew there was no helping this babe. She came that night and I successfully collected back my life which I gave to Jesus not up to 8hours ago. It continued like that for months until after 5 more months of being together, she was transferred to the north for work, and the relationship just died a natural death.

That was how i was saved from continuous slimming down,consideration of oga abeg medicines, sleeping in the office due to tiredness, and constantly taking back my life after giving it to Jesus severally.


As I remember all the things that happened between me and her as she walks away from me on this wedding day. I honestly am happy it went that way because as we been dey take each other eh, where the babe for carry me reach.
People go need do #bringbackourunclestephen to bring me back.

Do not leave without dropping a comment. Don’t behave like your village people. Encourage or insult us.

Watch out for episode Four of T.E.X.T next Friday.

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Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen

45 thoughts on “The Ex-girlfriends Tale Episode 3

  1. Thank God say she let go of you completely. Who knows maybe your wife to be bad pass am. Congrats sha. #Happyeverafterloading….

  2. ‘milk milk everytime when did I even start working with cowbell.’ LMAO! Stephen you sef. So you kept giving your life to Christ and taking it back, ehkwa? Diaris God o!

  3. For your mind nw o …since we knw jack sparrow…..i tink we wanna knw clara(not her real name obviously). I hope it aint d clara i know tho cos dt babe…:x

  4. I’m so loving this piece, can someone please call 911 coz I might soon fall a victim of this!

  5. ‘Died on top’ in episode 2… Love that one, very funny. LOL. Quick question, is this a true life story?

  6. Where has this blog being all my life, see me laughing like a maniac and forgetting all my worries.
    Chai! Uncle u too much, 3 tuale for u!

  7. Nice one Uncle…where have you been by the way? Glad to have our stories back. Keep up the good work.

  8. I stumbled on your blog today and have been going through some of your stories but refusing to comment even after seeing *do not leave without dropping a comment*…lol but I cant hold back anymore… are damn hilarious and you have a funny way of conversing with your mind which I do too.
    “She came that night and I successfully collected back my life which I gave to Jesus not up to 8hours ago.”…..that line got me real bad and I still cant stop laughing. Nice blog! Funny and hilarious stories! Great personality Steve….keep it up!

  9. Hmm…cant stop laughing for real…..try next time understand wen a lady said “can you handle me”….lols, Sincerely, its a great piece. weldone.