The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode Two

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“Hi Stevie”. Clara’s outstretched hands in anticipation of a handshake, brought me back to reality. Her voice still had that same seductive cadence I remember. I tried so hard not to,but my eyes went straight to her twin goodies. The things still dey in form sha or maybe not sef. All these babes this days. When they use all these their wonder bra package bobby finish even the one wen don they dig ground go begin put two fingers in the air.

Wait!(in oga at the top’s voice) Its my wedding day. I shouldn’t even let such thoughts cross my mind. Why hasn’t Barbara arrived na make the service start sef and prevent more Clara’s from coming towards me.

“congratulations” she continued “I thought to surprise you. My mother and Barbara’s mum are actually very close friends and when I found out it was you Barbara was getting married to I couldn’t believe it”

“Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it” I replied. Without even telling you all, am sure you know I was saying the exact opposite in my mind. Why is this world like this sef, inside all the plenty mothers that can be friends,it had to be hers and Barbara’s that will be close friends. I silently prayed that she had not in any way mentioned to Barbara what had happened between us. Hope Barbara hadn’t changed her mind or something. I needed to call her and find out where she is.

“Anyways I just came to wish you a happy married life before the ceremony kicks off in full. I wish you the best, even if things didn’t work out between us. I had a good time with you. Am sure you’ll treat Barbara very well. Take care of yourself” she said, gave me one of those her three minutes eye changing color without saying anything look, then extended her hands for a handshake which I took mechanically. I left her hands almost immediately before like our people say “the handshake will begin to cross the elbow and become another thing”.

She turned around and began to walk away. After like three steps she turned and said “By the way, you are looking very good. Make sure she enjoys Jack sparrow” with a mischievous undertone, winked at me and walked away” As I watched her walk away with her jiggling behinds, Uncontrollably, I drifted back to that night where it all started.


Are You Good in bed?
I became Confused. The question kept replaying in my head. I wanted to believe she was joking but mehn the babe was staring at me eyeball to eyeball,nose to nose and mouth to mouth. Numerous thoughts crossed my mind,in the minute that passed.If she dey question my “doing” abilities then e mean say she be wetin? Abi na scam? She wan fear me? Just look at this babe o. I had to be diplomatic about the whole thing shey you understand. I can’t start replying ah! Me? I’m the lion of the tribe of Lagos. Ah! Emi. Mr all Night Long. That would be very vain of me.

So I stared back at her for Four minutes instead of her usual three and made sure even though I couldn’t see it, that my eyes changed to red too(Her father!She dey crase! Na only her sabi hold gaze?).
“Listen clara, you need to understand that I really Like you a lot and I want nothing more than to be with you. If that’s the only hold up as to whether you will accept being my girl or not then I assure you that’s not a problem at all. Don’t want to blow my trumpet but give me a chance and you will never regret it. Because I’ll keep chasing you until you agree to be mine”.

Those were the actual words that came out of my mouth but you see ehn! my people, that above answer is the diplomatic one because In my mind I was like, as my ibo people would say it, “taah! m ga ta gi pieces!” Or better still in Yoruba it would translate to something like “mo ma ru e je bi orugbo” or in plain simple English, I wee Finish you. Imagine na, this girl must hear nwiiin. For even asking me such a question.

“Are you sure stevie?” she asked once again.

I touched sand,licked it and raised the finger to the sky “ehn! I swear you won’t”.

Loooool you lot wish I really said that didn’t you. I wasn’t that Hungry biko, Cos doing that will surpass the criteria for being described as “thirsty”. I simply replied “Clara, Let me make you happy” while squinting my eyes to give the talk a feeling of deepness.

You know one thing I liked/disliked about the babe, she was always coming up with surprising things at the turn of every corner. Before I could “un”squint my eyes, her lips were on top of mine. Wait oh! Na kiss be this? A voice in My head replied “no na mouth to mouth resuscitation, my friend camon chop something”. After like maybe three hours of kissing, ok not up to three hours. na exam? We just stared at each other without saying a word. Then she grabbed my hands and said to me “I really hope you can handle it”.

In a saner world, this would be a good time to retrace my steps and really ponder on what I was getting myself into. But as they say, when the gods want to kill a man, they first take away his ability to hear. I kept wondering how good in bed the babe could really be sef, but then I waved it aside with an adage I once heard from my warri friend onos during NYSC “you no fit use patrick(remove the “at” to achieve desired word) take make ashewo fear”. Bring it on I said in my mind with that george of the Jungle shout. After like one Hour of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend, we stood up and left hand in hand. I was smiling not knowing that I had successfully thrown away the key to the padlock I used to chain myself to trouble.

Even if this obviously wasn’t one of those other relationships where both of you will be biding time before you eventually get under the covers, I was determined not to look too thirsty or Hungry as the case may be. So I restricted most of our seeing each other to public places. But this babe wasn’t having any of it at all. After like two weeks of being in the relationship, she invited herself to my House for the weekend.

Was I Scared? I die if I was scared. Taah! Judgement weekend had come in my mind. All that her type c Jamb Question na this weekend e go end.

Friday came, and it was as hot as hell fire all day. when e don dey reach evening, it started raining lions and tigers. This is one of the worst things that can happen to a Young man abi you guys know. Make you don prepare finish dey expect babe, make your village rainmaker choose that same day to test if him jazz still dey work. Shet! Men. With Faith I called the bae and enquired if she would still make it. The voice I heard on the other end of the line eh! No Hope “Its raining heavily here, Don’t think I can still come today. Let’s make it tomorrow” Clara said to me. I was Dejected,frustrated,downcast and many more things. I just laid down forlorn on my bed, wondering why bad things happen to good people.

I heard a knock on my Door. “who be that?” I asked with all the venom my voice could carry “na me open door joor” I heard a male voice say. Reluctantly I stood up and walked towards the door thinking about how fast things change in this Life. I should be opening the door to a warm Feminine Hug and kiss but now there was a guy at my Door instead. I was surprised when I opened the door.

There she was in all her essence. Dripping from head to toe like all those babes that advertise soap. Chai! I picked sand and threw at her to confirm it wasn’t a ghost. I no want any further heartbreak. “Hope my surprise worked. Wouldn’t have missed coming here even if there was a tsunami” she said. I welcomed her into my Uncle-Bosom like a prodigal daughter knowing that tonight ,there would be rejoicing in the land.

Because there may be some Under 18’s who have internet access and may be reading this blog, I shall try and use code words to convey my message of what followed next. And if you are under 18 and you understand, then you are part of the reasons this country isn’t moving forward.

The baby entered the bathroom and came out with a night gown abi Night-nothing sef na im I go call that one honestly. There are perfumes and there are are fragrances because as she stepped out of my bathroom onto the bed, the entire ambiance of the room changed for the better.

I was trying to be civil and form gisting with her when she said “stevie you talk to much. Just take me” Hei! My life. (places two hands on chest)Me? talk too much.I decided there and then to become deaf and dumb or bebebe as my real Lagos people will call it. Shebi take you abi? That’s how someone’s daughter has reached the far east this night o cos na there I go carry you reach I said in my mind.

I started perusing her entirety. Looking for what I didn’t misplace. Forming the man for the Job and forgetting that the night was still Young. I must also confess that the manchester was not one of those wonder-bra enhanced own oh! This one was the type those danfo driver musicians call “stand firm mudiagha”.When I knew that the race was not to the swift was when after like 9 hours of non-stop hardwork with may-D’s Soundtrack on repeat at the background, the baby was still shouting “don’t stop taking me” chineke mei! My Dear we never reach your bus stop? Fuel don dey finish for my motor oh!

To cut a very Long story short,at the slightest indication that I was getting tired at 6:42a.m (don’t ask me how I knew the precise time.) since 8pm when I don dey take this girl, she reversed the arrangement, and I became the oga down below. Meanwhile the music had also changed to Iyanya’s “Your waist”

Please don’t Question me about the choice of music or why exactly it was changing. In Due time, I had been reduced to a dance floor and this babe was riding me kpacha kpacha kpacha kpacha like an old village bicycle, killing my waist lining simultaneously.

Somewhere around 9am or so we fell asleep after she had let out a huge cry like chicken wen eagle thief im pikin. Honestly without exaggerating I had not slept for up to 10 minutes when I don begin feel hands dey roam around my body. Hei! Uncle Stephen, son of Daddy Stephen this is how you died eh I asked myself. This is the type they will write “Died on Top” on the obituary poster and people will be thinking I died at the apex of my career.

That was our routine the entire weekend my people. Almost 24Hours of activity minus time for eating. Baby go come weekend, we go take our self all through, monday morning she go move, me sef I go go work begin sleep like person wen attend night vigil. As if that one is not enough, the same monday evening she go don dey house dey wait for me to come back. And as a G, after forming nothing is too difficult to handle, I couldn’t even consider backing out. After like a month, she started calling her whatever kitty kat and mine Jack sparrow. Hence on my phone, e no go don reach 3 Hours when she go leave my place I would have received a text message or ping worded thus “kitty kat needs milk from captain Jack sparrow.

Three Months into the relationship and I mistakenly checked my weight one day. From my 83kg I had reduced to like 74Kg.

This was supposed to be the last straw that would break the camel’s back but I decided that this was a challenge, And I rather Die ontop this matter than runaway.

I was hanging out with my guys later,at a bar,while she was in the house waiting to sail with Jack sparrow. Thinking don finish my life, when one aboki came to our table
Oga me I don bring am for this medecine, if I take am kai ko walai talai if I hol madam, she go dey shout oga abeg oga abeg oga abeg. Kai oga dem make una buy am and una go see am for akshun” the mallam continued.

All man simply laughed the man off,including me wen need make madam shout oga abeg oga abeg. The mallam went away, without getting a buyer and I also formed going to take a leak. I succeeded in blocking the aboki beyond the view of my guys. “How e dey work again” I asked.
“Kai oga madam go shout abeg abeg till your neighbours go come beg am for you make you stop”

Ok, I just needed the oga abeg part. DId not need my neighborhood coming to beg me to stop. As I exchanged money with the aboki for the oga abeg medicine,and tucked it deep into my trousers, I wondered if I should really been doing this.

Please Drop Your nice Comments but if na insult, GPU too.

Watch out for T.E.X.T episode three as usual, next week Friday.

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Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen

21 thoughts on “The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode Two

  1. I hope you don wake tho. Hmmmm. H/o…dis one was boring…lol…ironically. Friday is far biko. Clara o! Lol

  2. 9ce 1 Uncle stevo! Bt I swear u no fit do 4 13hrs na oga, even if u use wetin aboki giv u patrick fit still stand o bt u go sleep off

  3. Stifiin!…we go start riot here o…wich 1 is dis episodic saga eeh…biko end dis story for episode 3 o…..veery nice,humor filled story as usual

  4. Stevo,I go wounjure you o! Y dis seasonal joke na…chai *rolling on the floor crying* u r not being fair o,wen I was already enjoying d tori!

    • Sammy sent me this link and I was hoping to get recharge card as refund, but this is an absolutely beautiful witty piece. I look forward to reading more episodes. You are immensely talented Uncle Stevie.