The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode One

IF You are a LASTma Official and you haven’t read the prologue, please click here T.e.x.t prologue

and read before proceeding to this one.So you can enjoy it. Thank you.

Where do I even start this gist sef my people? You know how the popular adage goes, that trouble was sleeping and whoever yanga is went and woke it up. My case is somewhat similar. Only difference was that, trouble was dead and buried and I obviously being controlled by my village people went and bought shovel, dug trouble out of its grave, prayed and brought it back to Life, chained it to myself, padlocked it and then threw the keys away.

That above description might be too much of a stretch, but you’ll understand as you read on. I remember the day we set our eyes on Her. Yes my people oh! “we”. Na me and my yeye friends dey together that day. I guess this is the part where I describe how much of a jaw dropping beauty she was abi?, how her face shone like the early morning sun, and her beauty radiated and blinded us all in its glory. Or maybe how we were all eating our snacks jejely and as she walked in, we suspended our food mid-air and stared hopelessly at her, stupefied by her beauty and queenly carriage.

This is what writers would have you believe but in our case, she was there eating her food quietly at a table opposite us. One of the guys was like “that girl make?” We had all been accessing her individually and we agreed that she was Just there. It wanted to look like she was front heavy but because of the top she had on, we couldn’t conclude with absolute certainty. Before you know whats up ashewo big josh wanted to stand up and go over to the babe. Taah! My man we held him back. Not so fast. Babe wen we all see the same time, why na you go go.

Long and short of the story,we did what we always did in a situation like this where there is common interest. Spin one of the spoons on the table and whoever it faces would go and meet the babe. Spin spin spin, it stopped midway between Clarence and Big josh. Second time and it was pointing directly at me like “my son go into the evil forest, bring back the sacred leaf and heal our land”. I wasn’t too interested in the babe myself but I had been chosen by the Spoon gods. I stepped forward.

I asked to take the seat beside her and my brother if you see the look wen she give me eh! Blood of Tonto dike! Wait!(in oga at the top’s voice) that blood no be better blood abeg I retract the blood. Aswear if no be say my guys go laugh me and say I go pay the bill when next we go out to drink eh I for don back out. but No!!! I said to myself. I sat down and tried to worm my way into making her laugh or at least smile but my brother there are some really harsh babes out there o. you’ll use all your lines,circles and even triangles and they will just be looking at you like “what is wrong with this mumu sef”. I must have been on that seat talking to that babe for almost 20 minutes. I was backing my men and I know say dem go don laugh me tire. I had to beg “please na. I can kneel down if you want Just smile or just pretend your laughing so that my useless friends behind me will not laugh me to scorn when I eventually leave here”. Something like that shouldn’t have left my mouth but you wont believe it she laughed out loudly. This was the Lord’s doing.

(Wherever you are reading this, just lift up your hand and magnify His name, adore Him for he is good. He makes a way when your village people want to use palm fronds and block the road )

I didn’t rest on my oars o… at all… guys cannot dull at this point. Na night of a thousand Laughs this babe don enter so. I went on to tell her other things that drew out some more hearty laughter from her. I know you lot must have noticed how I wrote that I told her “some things” and that is because I cannot give out trade secrets on a public medium like this. I walked her to the door of the fast food and returned to my guys with a look on my face like“uncle na your mate?” “How far? You collect number?” “who she be” and various other questions came at me from every angle by the home boys. Her name is Clara I told them.

Shebi man don collect number? Next thing na to follow up with phone calls,text messages and every other tool available to a guy-man for relationship cementing. Honestly I don’t know how guys are wired. When a babe gives you tough time instead of just going away, one spirit will keep telling you to “die ontop the matter”.

Clara was giving me different shades of hot and Cold. Some days she responds very well azzin we dey talk deep and even throw sexual innuendos at each other while on some days e go dey like say she give another person the phone.

As is the case with most guys, no be say dem really really like the babe but when she keeps coming up with different mysterious sides, the inner scooby doo and shaggy in you comes out to and try demystify the babe. Nothing romantic wen I no do that period. Chocolates,Flowers(not any type o.all this yeye Nigerian guys that are not romantic. don’t cut ugwu leaf and go and give babe) ,Bribe her little sister to keep a note under her pillow, etc. But the babe was just steady curving me.

I couldn’t take it no more. I had to play the guilt card (if as a G you don’t know what this is. I’ll reserve my comment). I invited her to a garden park. The serene atmosphere and the natural scent the place had, encouraged tete-a-tete discussions. I laid it all out. Why don’t you want me? Don’t you like me? Am I not good enough for you? Is it my big nose? Do You have another guy your committed to? Please tell me. I can’t stand this emotional distress. Is it my fault that I’ve fallen for you and I want you so much? And so many other questions I posed to her with the best “why are you wickeding me like this face”I could come up with.

While I was talking to her, she had her head downcast. Azzin you know when you dey tell babe something and e don dey enter from her bone marrows into the red and white blood cells. In my mind I was like shet men! (trouser women! Another voice in my head replied). Men the response I got after all the bending down of head shocked the bejesus out of me .

She looked me straight in the eye for like 3 minutes without saying a word. Nna! To be honest with you, I fear small o, which kind of looking be this? at a point e come be like her eye balls wan dey change color to indigo. Who send me message this kind night. And then the acidic words came out of her mouth “Stevie, don’t start what you can’t finish. You can’t handle what I bring to the table. It has been a problem with other guys. Let’s just be friends please”

(My brothers and those of my sisters who sympathize genuinely with me. Let’s hold hands in spirit and just take one full minute and observe a moment of silence for that talk.)

So many things were wrong with that two lined sentence. A full blooded man with well functioning thing like me na im babe say I cant handle what she will bring to the table abi desktop. Hei! I have suffered. If this was a movie, Nollywood would name it “the igwe must hear this”.

To add insult to injury after all the sexual chats e.t.c we had had, she was now begging to friendzone me. Yes na. Let’s just be friends is bad enough. To now put PLEASE behind it is Finish him!! in mortal kombat. In an ideal world, this would have been the best time to just call it quits but my ego was at risk here and I remembered the great words of Pete Edochie or whoever it was who said that quitters never win and winners never ever quit. I resolved there and then to pursue the heaven out of this girl. I was still trying to come to terms with the one she said when she stared at me for another three minutes this time her eyes changing to red and what I heard next was.
Are you good in bed?
I became Confused.

Please Drop Your nice Comments but if na insult, GPU too.

Watch out for T.E.X.T episode two next week.

Check Out Hilarious other Stories here All Stories

Like us on face book and drop your emails in the subscription section of this blog to receive new stories as they drop.

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen

31 thoughts on “The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode One

  1. Bring back the sacred leaf and heal our land(spoon god)……unCool Stephen,idi too mush. But this ‘ghen ghen’ u r doing somebori is not good o. #waitingsha#

  2. Stephen, y is ya life ladis? U wee jus comean b giving somborri hat suspenshon anyhaw! If I find the episode 2 next week ehn *bites forefinger and flings it in ur direction*….

  3. Serious question!! Na d thing wey dey pain person dey plenty 4 person matter. I'm sure say uncle stephen don enter am dis time like never b4. Can't wait to read the next episode.

  4. Chai! Stevo yaff do me strong thing o…how can u jez be keeping human “beans” in “ghen ghen ghen ghen” like dis??? Ur village people must hear dis! Nice job,biko episode 2 MUST be out tomorrow morning o or else *ranju*

  5. The warning signs. The danger signals. Them full for dia. Why you no run? You still dey find boyfriend-girlfriend for the babe side, ehkwa? Issorait. Lol. Good luck.