This should be the first time I am officially ranting on this blog or rather writing something that isn’t a story. But like the Holy Book says, there is a time for everything. It is not news that sex, or anything that involves sex, sells. Even if you don’t believe it, one strong proof is that you are here reading this blog post. I don’t know how it is you received the Link for this post. Whether your village people ministered it to you in your dreams, or you saw it on someone’s PM or on twitter or even Facebook and decided to click it, we all know that if this post was titled, “LOOK HERE AND SEE AN IMPORTANT GOSPEL MESSAGE” 90% of you would not have opened it. That said, you are already here so no need to close the link in penance for your actions. After all Francis Duru said in Rattlesnake part 2 that whatever is worth doing is worth doing well.
I would like to thank Dr. Azoh a.k.a Bro. UG who is the primary inspiration behind today’s rant. I must make it clear, that he isn’t a friend whom I have met; neither can I confirm what kind of Dr. he is, whether medical, traditional, spiritual or even metaphysical. But this kind Dr. as I would want to believe he is, never fails to send the below e-mail to me twice everyday. Morning and Evening.
I put up this picture on my BBM DP this morning, to complain about this new method my Village people were using to pursue me and bam! Come and see gist from my wonderful contacts. I shall share with you the varying reactions I got from them but let us just spare a minute to analyze the above E-mail from my point of view.
First of all (do not go down low), just notice how both messages start with “Hello Dear”.(e pained me aswearigod, who is his dear eh bikonu). This, I want to assume is a way of saying “My guy” “Fam” “My personal person” azzin it is meant to show that he, Dr. Azoh, is nothing but a friend concerned about the size of your penis and has come to help you.
The Second line, abides by a standard rule of letter writing-Greeting. The part that touched me deeply is “hope you are doing good, JUST LIKE ME.” GHEN GHEN. This is just a master stroke. I mean, how can you market a product when you are not doing good. How can you sell cough medicine if you are having cough, hence I’m sure DR. Azoh, my good friend, wherever he is, implies that this good news he has brought,has ensured that he is always doing good and if you want to be like him, you need to listen carefully.
After greeting, what is the next thing in a well written letter? If you guessed “The Body”, then you parents did not waste their school fees money. See let me tell you. The subject of a letter, (which in this case is aptly titled “how to make your penis bigger, thicker and stronger with OPEN NOW put in bracket, to ensure you do not shove it aside,) might give a hint of what you want to talk about, but you see the body eh, is where you pour out the deep things in your heart and he goes on to do just this. He says “if you are a strong man and don’t have big penis to satisfy your woman”. My brothers and sisters, Let us stop here for a moment and understand this Line. Just close your eyes, take a minute and just reflect on these words. Even if it means turning off the lights in your room and adopting yoga position, my brother or sister do it.Because man hath not revealed this thing to the Doc. In essence, what he is trying to say if i understand well, is that you can be a strong man, you can have big chest and 20 packs. You can break okada into two with just breeze from your mouth. You can bend iron with your bare hands like SuperMike in ajegunle, but if you do not have a BIG penis to satisfy your woman, you need to be afraid, perturbed, unhappy because you will soon notice something.
I honestly do not know whether if you are weak man without big penis you will notice the same thing. But it is safe to deduce that if a strong man without big kini will notice something then my friend who art thou not to notice the same thing. In fact I want to suggest, that if you are a weak man and you are not noticing what he says will happen, then your village people are at it again and you need to attend one of our topic-specific Nigerian crusades with the title “LORD DO NOT ALLOW MY ENEMIES MAKE ME NOT TO NOTICE SOMETHING” (somebody scream halleluyah!, ummmm the spirit is moving)
The next part is the revelation. This is where you need to play a slow titanic music in your head. This is the part where the babe the actor has suffered for all through the film has been shot and he is watching the life leave her eyes. This is the part where the breeze blew and the fowl’s annal cavity was revealed to the sons of men.
The Doc. says that you will NOTICE that the woman you ADORE, the woman you magnify, the woman you praise, the woman you glorify, the woman you lift her name up high not just a little oh! But VERY MUCH will be cheating on you. LOBATAN!.To round it off he says to you “Don’t let this happen to you, get your own BIG,STRONG AND THICK PENIS. QED.
The funny thing is that this e-mail summarizes why girls cheat on their man. It boils it down, narrows it down, simplifies it to two words BIG PENIS. Pere!. The simple question now is: How true is this? Is this the point where we shout EUREKA for Doc’s amazing discovery?. I put this up as my DP obviously to complain about why I was getting such an email and to verify if this was the truth and my people eh! No kind response wey I no see this morning.
First there were the people who were happy they were not the only ones receiving this email. They had been feeling bad and were wondering how the doc knew they didn’t have big kini and were happy to have kindred spirit. Somebody pinged me like “Uncle Stephen, u too? You receive this email? Have you called their number. I have ordered my own o and I hope it works. I thought it was only me they were sending this message”. Honestly I didn’t know if to start convincing the young man that I wasn’t FAM, once it came to this matter or to go naked and swear for him for thinking I would order the product. Then there were the guys who came with their own story of how babes left them because their whatever wasn’t touching their medulla Oblongata. I was thinking the thing was story and that size doesn’t matter until voom the female pings started entering. Somebody say Blood of Goodluck Jonathan. My people, I can now see why DR. Azoh is in business because the things this girls want eh! If na the way dem dey describe then you will notice them cheating like the Doc said. One said “ah! He must be very big and very thick and very long (only one person o!) I need to feel as if I am flying and suspended in outer space” In my mind I was like is superman that this one wants azzin Clark Kent. You want to be suspended mid-air weyrey!
Somebody even sent me a link to an article online talking about this same penis size topic and my people I just kept pleading the blood of GEJ as I read through. The prior article to that has just 10 comments but as e enter kini matter come and see 130 comments almost 100 of them female. You’ll see things like “who needs somebody with cigar to come and be touching me. God forbid. My man has to be very big azzin I need to feel like izz a sword that is piercing through me entire being” or “doing it with my current boyfriend is just there because it isn’t big and it makes me remember my ex. With his soldier. I always felt it was snake in the monkey shadow and whenever we were done I couldn’t even remember my name or surname or even where I was. I couldn’t stop going back for more. I miss him and wish I could take it one more time”
I was like
Obviously women take these things seriously and that is why there are thousands like my Doc. friend out there trying to make sure that you don’t lose the one you adore. I been think so no be about size but say na HOW well. But the kind of things am reading and these women of nowadays eh! Only God can help us. But on the other hand is good for all you men out there. shebi na una dey make dem wear butt pad and padded bra because una want oganigwe. Its only fair that they demand for sword-like penis that can pierce their being, suspend them in mid-air, do them like snake in the monkey shadow whilst causing amnesia and making them want to take transport to wherever you are because like they said in that song, “charlie she wants more”.
So for my guys out there please contact DR. Azoh so she doesn’t leave you like he has prophesied. And for my women out there how big is big exactly bikonu I want to hear una voice before somebody no go fit wear trouser again because e dey try satisfy una.
And as for DR. Azoh please I beg you in the name of whoever you serve. I have spread your message to a wider audience please stop sending me the e-mails please because I am strong and I can satisfy my woman because I have a Big …… nevermind…..
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