SILAS

This is my first story for the Year,2013
And its been wonderful making y’all laugh all through 2012
Thanks a lot.

I contemplated a lot on what to write about,
And then this my friend passed as I picked up my pen to start writing.
Eureka!!
I screamed
That’s what I should be writing about

I have this “friend” in my house
I call him “friend” because I feel naturally inclined to ascribing that title to anyone, we cohabit a place.
Left to me though,
I’d rather he left the house.
Pains and problems he has caused me since I moved into this house, this service year, are innumerable.
Even You, who is currently consuming the contents of this write-up, would want the same if you were in my shoes.
They say it is only the person who wears the shoe, that knows where it pinches
Not this shoe mein!
Without wearing it, it pinches still.

My friend’s name is SILAS….
And silas is
A very very big RAT…….

I have never been one to hate rats,
I hate roaches
And especially Lizards
But now!
Courtesy of Silas,
Rats top my animal hate list.

Lemme explain a little,
I stay in a 3 bedroom flat.
With this really huge living room.
I think Silas also paid rent for the house.
Although till date, I’m not clear which particular room he paid for(I have even been tempted to ask those jide taiwo people who leased the house), since he takes it in turn to crash in each room.
You never know its there until it starts running around, and making one annoying squeaky sound, that seems like it translates into “hei dude! Am having so much fuuuuuun! running around your room and disturbing your sleep” In english.

That’s not even the one that vexed me,
There’s this babe….
(Yes! I know some of you are already like smh for this dude…girl inside rat story? I agree I like ladies a lot! Who doesn’t u hypocrite…lol)
So as I was saying
There’s one babe eh!
Fresh ajebo corper girl like that.
She schooled at the University of Manchester.
Formerly,people like these used to get posted to only lagos and abuja.
But now? No Love mein!
Infact it seems the farther away from this country you school,
The deeper the village they take you to.

She had baby-like Smooth skin, dimples when she smiles, and then this big geeky glasses that she wears, that gives her eyes a kind of light I like. Endowed behind but not so much in front. Not the type u would describe as tall but heels do a lot to change that for girls these days.

Her sonorous voice atop a foreign accent no doubt conferred on her by her schooling background,made me just love to listen to her.
I mean, Sometimes even when there is nothing to talk about, am tempted to give her a story book so she can read to me and I can continually hear that angelic voice… Aint I just in Love?
Awwwwww!!!!

Pastor’s voice: Testimony time
Members: Blessing time

I have experienced way too many things I never thought would happen on their own accord without coercion eventually happen, that I’m now convinced beyond doubt that miracles are not a ruse.

Imagine o
I just dey my house jejely,
One evening that the Lord had made.
After months of being this romantic prince charming kinda dude and relentless setting of P, the manchester chick calls me up on the phone.
I thought it was gon be one of all these “hei stevyboo can u come out let’s hang out” call but omo this is the conversation that ensued.

“Hello, stevyboo wassap”
“Am fine babe”
“Are You at Home”
“Yes I am”
I replied
“Hope,you won’t mind if I come and stay over I kinda need a change of environment”

Blood of Papa Ajasco!!!!!
Mind ke,
No no no
You that is reading this… Chairman no vex abeg! Am I supposed to mind?
I don’t even have one mind now!
I was tempted to tell her sef that people complain about me that I don’t mind anything at all and its too much….
Dats my weakness babe!
(Sobs)I never ever mind anything, am sorry u had to find out this way.

Shet!
See groove!

I had been a perfect gentleman these past months.
Never bothered to try inviting her over,since she had subtly hinted her reservations with going to a guy’s place at the time when I newly met her.
I had resigned myself to the fact that either I would kidnap her or a miracle had to happen for her to come over talkless of stay over.
And my brothers and sisters from ma testimony above,miracles do happen…LoL

“How soon are you coming” I asked
“Now” she replied
“Praise the Lord” I said to her.
“What?” She said

Naah!!!
Don’t mind me…praise d lord ke?

Employing my previous experience with her, I deduced that the word “now” would mean about an hour at most…
And just like you would expect, my room was scattered.
I sounded the fire alarm
Rallied the troops(my flatmates)
“Guys that yankee babe dey come o”
Sharperly we proceeded to transform our barracks into a castle fit for my princess..

Old women are funny people,
I saw mama alex who always managed to sit on the corridor of their flat anytime a babe was coming around sitting there, looking with understanding at 3 corper boys cleaning their apartment, fetching water.
“Ekaale mummy!” I prostrated in the way that was customary for elders, on my way to buy air freshner( yes! Air freshner…d house gast smell right na….Rme)

“Eheeeeen ekaaaale iyio corper” she replied making sure to stretch her words and endow me with the understanding that she knew what we were up to.

50minutes Later,
I went to the gate, to bring her in.
Received my hug and proceeded to lead her past mama alex….
“Evening ma” she greeted
“Evening yooo my daughter,how are u”
“Fine mummy”
“Una look alike o corper,is she your sister?”
(smh for dis woman,how na? Am fair and d chick is chocolate…)
“No mummy…ore mi ni” (she’s ma friend)
“Ah! Ore e abi? Okay o…corper friend you are welcome o….corper take care of her o”
“Yes ma”

And I walked away…feeling her stare burn deep holes on my back.

We entered,
I introduced her to my guy’s, amidst laughter teasing and coded winking from the boys

Led her to my room
Excused maself, so she could maybe change,no be jeans she go wear sleep na abi? **raised eyebrow**
Went to the back to put on generator,
And another miracle happened
After 3weeks of forgetting us,

UP NEPA….

Once more my people just bless the name of the Lord with me, just kneel down wherever u are right now and glorify Him.

She had to have her bath,
So I showed her to the bathroom,
She took of her clothes
And I started bathing her….
No time… We badt like dat na..
I Pray say na wetin happen…

Abegi…
I Gave her all she would need,
Was chillin in the living room,
Told her to flash me, when she was done.

After some minutes,
Ma phone rang,
I excused myself and stepped into my room,
Damn!!!!!!!!!!

She had changed to bum short
And one sphagetti kinda top!
Omo! See fresh leg!
But a brother has gotta be a gentleman na
U knw as e dey go….
So I had to form “mtchewww na today we don dey see fresh leg?”
But omo guy!!!, to say d truth dis one no dey like others…LOL
If u See as leg fresh like em…like eeeeeem…like I no even knw wetin to use compare… Shet! Men!

I sat on the bed,
Keeping a safe distance
Patient dog eats fattest bone abi?
Shebi na so e spoz be na…
Well,
We were gisting,laughing teasing each other
Before I know,
Her head don dey ma leg,
Issokay!
I just noticed she was comfortable around me,maybe she really needed the change of environment.

We walked out
Bought minerals and snacks
Ate, gist some more and then it was time to sleep.

This janded gals can be so polite eh!
She gave me a prolonged goodnight peck
Told me thanks for letting her stay over!
And den closed her eyes while facing me sha.
Hmmmmm
I stood up to get the lights,
And as I laid down back on the bed, not up to 5minutes later….

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

Action time again. The pervs are already very happy,sorry to disappoint you,not that kind of action.

I heard a rustling sound,
Coming from one end of ma room, near where the wardrobe was situated.
I tried to force myself to believe it was not was I was thinking.
But no be Silas again?
Dude just gotta let me know say him don show, by making that hei dude squeaky sound, and running across again.

My mind,
Am like this bastard,you want to mess me up,anyway thank God the girl don sleep maybe before she wake the bas……
“Stevyboo what’s making that sound” I heard her say cutting ma tots short.
“Nothing” I replied whilst trying to pet her back to sleep

E be like silas hear that nothing come vex
Cos he ran past again
“Jeez! Stevie please get the lights”

As I stood up to get the lights,
I tried to remember silas’ roster
Ma room was just day before yesterday
E suppose be like next two days before e appear for my room again na.
Which kain wahala be dis
U sure say dat rat na rat sef?

I got the Lights,
The room was enveloped with silence

“The sound came from the wardrobe,please check it out stevie, I pray its not a rat, I really detest rats”

shet!
Everything don cast
Cos na really rat!

As I neared the wardrobe,
Looking like an olden days hunter,
With only my boxers and bare chest,
Holding one small pako I got from my window,
I prayed d darned rat would just chill and not move, but for where???

Pzzzzzz!
It whizzed pass almost between my legs to the place where I had cartons stocked with books and ma dirty clothes at the other part of the room…

If u see as the girl screamed eh!
Like say she see anaconda.
Anyway I don’t blame her
Silas big abeg
Rat wen big like rabbit come agile ontop…

“Kill it stevie” she screamed and jumped behind me…
She don see ratslayer na…smh!

I proceeded towards the book place
And it made to run towards the wardrobe
I tried to hit it!
I missed!
I had closed the wardrobe earlier so e just dey ontop bed since ma room door was closed…
It had been cornered.

I did not want to kill it while it was on my bed!
But d babe still dey ma back dey shout “kill it! Kill it!”
In my mind am like babe cool down na… I tell u say I be experienced rat killer?…ahn! Ahn!

I took in silas’ full length
The rat weigh abeg
I tried to form “shoo” “shoo” to see if it would run to a place where I could eventually kill it!

But I dunno If u have actually experienced trying to pursue or shoo away a rat or any other animal,
And it just stays there looking at you…
One kind wicked fear like dat go enter ur body!
Na wetin happen dat day be that!

Mr silas no gree move one inch!
My guy I begin ask maself some deep questions.
U sure say na ordinary rat be dis?
Or maybe as we see in nigerian movies,maybe na human being wen change to rat!
Is possible na

I been dey shout the shooo!
But as fear enter me! Because the rat no gree move… Omo my shoo! reduce to like sh sh

My room door swung open..
My flatmates had heard the girl screaming and sought to find out wassap!
Silas moved immediately towards the door!
Me self one form hero say make I dive hit d bastard make d babe sef believe small!

As I jumped,
Stick in full force, aimed in silas’ direction,

DOWN NEPA!!!

My stick landed on something soft and fleshy
I wanted to feel like one bad assassin who hits his target,until one of ma flatmates screamed!

“HeiiIiiiiiiiiiiiiii I don die!”

And I realised I had just planked the hell outta his feet!

Our nokia torch phones came on!
Illuminating the room!
My guy was deep in pains
And when they both realised the reason for all the upheavel? They resolved enough was enough for that silas, this night!

They had both had their fair share of silas

The guy whose leg I planked out had his last two months NYSC clearance letter eaten up by silas
And he went through hell to get another one.

The other dude, always left edibles in his room, and we always teased him, that he was responsible for the rat getting to that size. He was also the source of the rat’s name. His dog at home was named silas. So as na him food d rat dey always chop, e come be like na him dey train d rat.
So we named d rat after his dog.

We had tried rat poison,rat traps everything touted to have the ability to kill rodents, had been employed.
But not silas men!
D guy na die hard!

As they left to search the entire house aiming to kill the rat, I had the sole task of comforting the chick.

The girl was visibly shaken,
“That rat is so big” she said in a near tear filled voice…

I tried to calm her down
Get her to get some sleep
But no way,
How she go even sleep ontop bed wen rat been dey form jack bauer.
So we both settled for the ground.
The darkness was not helping matters
And the foolish generator no gree start!

She managed to sleep a little.
And den from the parlour I heard some pounding and “nak am”/ “kill am” screams.
I stood up and went there to see my flatmates,
Also looking like ancient hunters wearing Only boxers, especially the one who I planked his leg with his hairy chest!

“Una don kill am?” I asked
“E be like o” the planked guy replied…
There was a huge trail of blood
But no dead silas
So we safely assumed that at last,
With losing that much blood it must have died.

I went back to my nursing duties…
Being awake
And forming security cos the babe was awake again and could not fall back asleep.
I have Never seen anybody that scared of rats my entire life!
I go ask am one day wetin rats really do am.
Ehen na e reach to ask.

Na around 6 d next morning
When everywhere was a little lighted up
Na I’m she really sleep.
And by 8 she was off!

As she pecked me, again and entered bike.
As the bike drove off, I knew with certainty that if she ever needed to change environments again, my place was out of it!

For like two months now,
We have not seen silas again
We assumed it had finally died
Only for me to want to start another story
And my “friend” showed up again
Like terminator is back!

And that is my story!
I need help my people
Any solution to the problem is welcome.
If you know like some rat-busters or you have a strong pastor or anything that can help,drop ur comments or please call me here 08173014904
Because that babe is coming back in January!
After much convincing.
I no need any wahala again….
Abeg!

Spread this story! As usual!
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Happy New 2013

This blog has big plans for 2013…watch out and keep in touch!…

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Thanks for a wonderful 2012
Y’all made my day countless times
Ur comments brighten up my day!
Especially the ladies… **winks**

Love y’all( as usual no homo guys! Trust me its really important this days to say that!)

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
Steveekeng@Gmail.com
@itsunclestephen
BBM: 7B749FD0

 

Long Live Nigeria

33 thoughts on “SILAS

  1. =))=Dlaffº??°º?donº??°º?make me ??°º?deyº??°º?find º?°º?=))=D :Dpsalm23 inside quran ?º°? =)) =D =))! O°???°

  2. Nice 1…as usual. At 1st I tot d rat ws actually a dude. Anyways, 2 catch a rat, u've got to knw hw a rat thinks…u knw…u gotta lay down d peanut butter. I'm working on that sha. As 4 jan, if there's no solution by then, u guys can use my place…u guys minus u of course (no homo)..*grin*. Keep it up sha…and say me "hi" 2 d chikala…assuming she comes back.

  3. Hahahaha ! Stevo mai guise !! No worry…d solution to yur rat problem is available on sagaysagay.com…he has d ultimate silas killer ! Lol !

  4. Uncle Stevo happy new year ..this is a good one yo….rat trap is jst d best..or physical combat..see how rat jst spoil parols chai!!! Keep it up bro

  5. Lol….Hilarious!!! What a way to start this 2013….the death of Silas should be in the list of your New year resolution. Manchester Chic must not meet Oga Silas again o!
    Funny enough, in a house I once lived in when I was much younger, we had 2 rats that tormented us…my siblings and I christained them "Silas and Okeimute". They were Mighty!
    Infact they had our whole duplex to groove…they were the boss and they enjoyed tormenting the hail out of us!!…I think they aged and died…cos they were "the untouchables"
    The fear of Silas and Okeimute was the beginning of animal wisdom in that house!
    Love your blog..
    Happy New year!

  6. This isn't just impressive.This is an awesome read with a spectacular feel of suspense and a fascinating story-thrill.It captures genuine emotions and the actuality of human relations especially in regards to unwanted tenants like silas.Great read

  7. Stephen……LOL….LOL…..LOL….You killed this story! But not the rat. I have been personally responsible for the deaths of 15 BIG rats. Call me for more info.

    For others that'll read this: Pls RAT KILLING IS NOT MY PROFESSION OOH!

  8. Another great story. Quality comedy. What I really enjoy are those crazy extensions of your stories that never actually happenned – like the 'praise the Lord' part of this one or the part where you started bathing her or the aeroplanes crashing part of your fastest man alive story. These extensions as well as the 'street' language that every youth can relate to are the things I feel set you apart from other funny story writers I know. Very good writing, bro- Keep it up. Also, didn't know you knew Nnaemeka till I read his 'relationships-all in my head' book. Either way, really enjoyed this story. Can't wait for d next one.

  9. Hahahohojo choieeeee bhuhahahaha kkikikikokokolokkikikikikik oh men i saw things ""i try to force myself to believe it was not "was i was"thinking …GBAGAUN DETECTED ….cool gist tho you are doing jst great.

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