Gather round children…its another one from uncle Stephen…. YAY!!!!!!

And don’t worry am not about to educate you on the importance of eating beans, like duh!!! dat’ll be so dry.

The day started the way any other day would start when you live in the hostel. Water must have been fetched the previous night (after these long queues sometimes) because we dint use no tap (who dash us!)

It was “man power” all the way.
For those overtushed people… It is that mechanical pump usually seen in villages,where you have to apply force continuously to a lever before the water comes out… Yes thats what we used.

And if you insist you can’t wait for the really long lines, they give you a chance to pump for like 5people and then you can pump yours free (sounds like promo shey?)
That’s why when you see my pictures, you’ll notice I have huge sexy six packs

(Children’s voice: Hei uncle Stephen! You can lie o!!!! Which time did you go and na have six packs)

Disregard those kids… Am sexy and I know it!!!

Keeping the water is another palaver because sometimes there’s this spirit that comes and steals your water…
Yes na! e gast be spirit, cos we never caught anyone.

One eye open one eye closed…
Dat na de blood on ur bucket so that like the children of isreal…the water angel will pass by and not drain your water, allowing you get to class early enough for a front seat.If not,back seat becomes your portion and from that place the lecturer becomes like a muted tv…Visuals clear but no sound..

Some lecturers can just be wicked you know…
Fix a class by 7am
Cos they want to run away from their fat wicked wives that beat them up.
Yes!!! Dats d picture in ma head if not why such an awkward time…

So, I woke up early…
Joined another queue to bath,
Wore my shirt and jeans,
Borrowed hair cream and rubbed,
Sprayed my perfume that was almost finishing,
Slipped on my shoes,
And zoom!!! I headed to the next room to get my friend so we could go….
I had to, even though I was really hungry.

Ps: I forgot to add that I brushed my teeth…just incase, I didn’t forget…thanks!

…Entered room 212,
Saw my friend,
And fortunately for me, I stepped in at the exact moment they were about to start digging into a plate of beans…My brothers and sisters, is this not the Lord’s doing???

(Pastor’s voice) Somebody turn to your neighbor and say, “neighbor!!! The Lord is good!”

Say “neighbor, he’ll make a way when there seems to be no way”…


Back to my story, no be church be dis….

Well, they sure where not glad to see me but as courtesy demands, they invited me to join them. The food was cooked by Onos, a warri boy in the room, who claimed to have been a cook on ships before coming to further his education. It was sort of funny looking, green in colour, kinda with some vegetable on it or so I thought. It was the remainder of what he called, “Portuguese beans”

And if I had forseen the future Or quenched my longer throat and if I had not wanted to revenge, (cos they somehow used to come to my room only when I was eating…so today, I had caught them food-handed. Mehn!!! I must chop back all the food they had eaten from me…) I would have just said thank you…

But me,say thank you??? For what na?
I looked at my watch.There was still time abeg…So I took a spoon and we ate straight from the pot (normal hostel style)
Very hot beans for that matter but since I had been blessed with a refrigerator in my mouth, I took it in speedily and ate a lot more than others. It tasted good too, I swear!!!
But the repercursions were heavy as you’ll see.

…7:20am we were seate
7:32am the grizzly bear walked in,looking angry as usual because he had lost another fight to his fat wife (yes I’ll continue saying that)
His method of transferring this anger on us was making sure that once he was in,no one left or entered the class until it was over…

So there I was being attentive,
Writing my notes.
Hearing but not understanding what the lecturer was saying.
Taking some time too to stare at a girl in the class I had a crush on.
Admiring how she listened,
How she held her pen to write and even how she turned the pages of her note.
(While Robin Thicke’s lost without you played in my head)

And then I recovered…
And continued being attentive,

GHEN GHEN  GHEN GHEN (na so na, all ma stories have an action part)

I hear this really loud sound… kinda like a rumbling… and am amazed at why it would rain during dry season. Surprisingly, a look at the sky showed no signs of downpour and it also seemed I alone in the whole class, heard the sound.

It came again, this time even louder, allowing me to determine the source of the sound…

Lo and behold
It was coming from my stomach…

The effect of a Nigerian
deep ibo boy for dat matter consuming the acclaimed “Portuguese beans”, Ironically prepared by a Warri chef, Was disastrous…

I knew what this meant. My stomach was singing a lot of songs, and was encouraging me to let it come out to limelight…
But no way mehn!!! I had to hold back this inspiration. I could not let out these songs… I felt I could hold on for the remaining  45mins or so.

Have you been in this situation before?
Have u noticed how it seems time passes slowly?
How all of a sudden you have longer day and shorter night?
How the hands of your watch seem to move forward and backward?
How even when there’s enough ventilation,beads of sweat just break out on your body???
Its not funny I tell you!

I could not hold it…
I had to let the track one, of the album in my stomach come out…
And yes I did.
Whilst also ensuring that I kept the rest of the songs sealed…
Before I over entertain the class..

I let it out.
With ease
With my butt raised and angled
It came out and relieved me…
The release I got from that act alone
O Glory Glory Glory!!!!

And like most good songs
It was felt all around the class…
The grizzly bear was talking when all of a sudden
He paused…
Sniffed into the air…
And continued.
Amidst all d sounds of “uhm uhm” that could be heard all around the class.

That didn’t end it
I let the track two out….
And ladies and gentlemen
I did what no man had ever done before.
I made the class close 15mins early.
Cos he could not take it any more,
He stormed out.
Leaving everybody in the class thankful to the person that did it.
But I could not come out and take my Glory
(Wipes tears with handkerchief)

Problem was
I had the hit track to drop.
But I could not leave immediately
Or it would become glaring
That I was the culprit
So there I was…
Joining others to both abuse and thank d person
Joining to suspect those in class who were not dressed properly as likely to commit the act.
While my stomach and body was about giving up on me.

Next class,
Was a few blocks away
And as we matched there
I slyly diverted and headed towards the hostel.
Since it was taking a really high level of endurance to maintain composure,with the pain I was going through (LOL)

Sadly enough,
Most lectures in school actually start
At about the time we finished the fixed class
Meaning this was the time majority of students headed to school.
Why it was sad, was that I was rather popular and nursing a political ambition in school so that meant I had to greet and hail anyone who I knew to ensure the votes…

Wickedly enough my people,
As I was trying to make it to the toilet in the hostel..
The devil punished me by ensuring that I met plenty people that I knew that day…

So whilst in pain
I had to stop and reply all the “stevo my man” and “stevo d main man” and “steve darling or honey” in the case of girls
This made me loose precious time to get to the studio(toilet) and allow my songs caused by the portuguese beans to come out…

I managed and managed
Red eye
Sweaty palms
Altered walking step
Breaking into slow runs sometimes all in a bid get to paradise…

The worst, was this party I met
Where one of the guys was trying to advice me on how to go about the elections
For like 3hrs. it seemed so cos mein!!!, I was dying and in some serious distress.
But I listened,
Swaying my body from side to side
Holding it in
Whilst answering him only with nods
And sounds that made him feel I understood a word he was saying..
He could as well have been speaking chinese
Cos all I was hearing was chan chon chin chin chang (lmao!!!)

After they left,
No more mein,
I didn’t care now
I flew…
Cos running cannot describe my speed.
And as I got closer and closer to the hostel,
It was jumping backwards, farther and farther away from me. ( I swear!!!)

At long last, I got to my room…
Kicked off ma shoes
Almost tore my trousers
Then ran to the toilet in the hostel…
Everything was against me

The hostel has 3floors
2bathrooms and toilet @ d far end of each floor..
And it so happened that the one I went to on my floor was occupied

The other…
Spoilt and out of order

I flew upstairs
That One was locked cos only s.u.g officials used it.
Hei baba God I don die!!!
It was coming out
It was just there
And if this next one was locked or unavailable
Ama just do the epic thing and let it go...

With faith, I flew towards the other one
Opened the door
Checked it and again it was occupied

Nah!!! Just kidding
It was free…
As I looked at it…
I smiled…
Cos it was looking like white gold
Plus it had just been cleaned…

I took my royal chair
My people…
And let out the rest of the album that the Portuguese beans had inspired within me.

Whilst promising myself
Next time
1. To look before leaping
2. That whatever I did not know about I should ask questions..
3. To understand that everyone is unique and what works for one person might not work for another
4. Most importantly, no more beans if am going out in the morning

Whether Caribbean, American. Kenyan, Egyptian and most especially Portuguese beans

Ps: I can get u the recipe for the beans if u’ll like to try it out…maybe u have a situation that requires it use…

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Hope u were entertained and taught..
your favourite,
uncle Stephen
bbm; 561EBDA8
twitter; @itsunclestephen


  1. By then robin thicke never sing dah song I hv dim recollections of some lecturer leaving class early for stated reasons, so na u??????

  2. Waytin i won comment again wen u kip making me laugh , stephen may ur experience never happen 2 me again. And may it nt b as bad as urs. Kudos bro.

  3. Huhuhehehehahaha….plz sewiously,I need d recipe…I fink I shld fix d meal for som kain unwanted visitors…lol

  4. Stevy darling thumbs up jare.nice one I dey ur back wella.buh chill oh smtin jst crossed ma mind….so d bad smell for momsie shop back den na u na hahahahahahahahahahahahahah lmfao.

  5. My man, so na u dey blow us dat day abi? Chei! I should'v read dat look on ur face when u just bone and snub everybdy, I shud've known u had an urgent album to release. My man, 'tis well

  6. Not many words I have to say. Simply this: I WANT TO BE A WRITER LIKE YOU WHEN I GROW UP.
    Then yeah! I gained something too *raises hand up* Uncle can I say it? *In Uncle stephen's voice* Go on kid! Look before you leap.
    Again I'd say: see you at the very top! Keep 'em coming.

  7. Pingback: Food is Ready « Funny Stories from a Friend to His Many Friends