Miss Stephanie

People ask me,
Are your stories really true?

Hmmmmmm
Gimme a moment
Let me check and see if I should tell u guys….

(wears babalawo clothing, rubs chalk on face, picks up cowries, sits down, crosses leg and puts on a stern face)

Ojukokoroooo ooooooo!!!!! Tuwaya tuwaya show me what to do!!!

Mini mini mani mo.

Father has a donkey,

Donkey die

Father die

Mini mini mani MO.

Sorry guys donkey died…..

So I can’t tell you.Let’s wait for the next story maybe then the gods will, will me to do that.

(Light dims, curtain opens)

My school has 5 hostels, each, containing about 300 rooms spread across three floors.

The hostels have a square architecture but with space left in the middle for washing, hanging of clothes and any other social activity necessary.

3 of these had been allocated to boys, namely Hall A, B, and the recent HALL E

And the other 2 to girls.  HALL C and my ever Favorite Hall D.

Visitation was allowed in both hostels,

From 4pm-9pm weekdays and from 12pm-9pm weekends.

Then the question arises,

What happens if you are found in any of the hostels past the allowed time?

Well, your fate largely depends on your gender.

A girl overstays in male hostel, well you know how this world works when it comes to ladies. Nothing of notable consequence happens. But a boy overstays in female hostel, your guess is as good as mine, it is tantamount to death.

To further sink the teeth of fear deep into your consciousness, female hostels, have man o’ war and military boys(ex-students of NMS Zaria, Airforce Jos or any other military secondary school)living within the hostel, and they are responsible for both female security and punishment of defaulting boys.

So, if the god, responsible for bad luck, decides to visit you as he did to one of my friends, who stayed in HALL C(where the most brutal military and man o’ war boys where usually posted to) till 9:02pm, and was made to do the following:

ü  Frog jump round the female hostel.

ü  Go around the hostel picking dirt, even in the room of d chick he had gone to visit and set P with, as well as so many other falling hand punishments, while girls watched you and the ugly ones who usually had no male visitors laughed you to scorn without forgetting to commit to memory, every detail of your face, so that they can see you in school the next day and point you out to their friends, as “the OO boy they punished in our hostel”.

You would know better than not to go to those hostels with a conscious awareness of time, no matter how interesting, the usually romantic engagement was that took you there.

By now, I am already convinced that those of you familiar with how things work with me, already know where this story is headed right?

Uncle Stephen (shakes my head)

No be me again???

Entering wahala is just second nature to me.

It all happened one weekend, that the lord had made, I entered HALL D around like 1:30pm to see a girl.

I liked her and she liked me back though not bereft of all the shakara their nature, imposes on them to do no matter how deeply they felt for a boy. She had a boyfriend, who had graduated, but her emotional traffic lights still flashed bright green to me and as a law abiding citizen, I had to obey and move the vehicle of my love according to her direction.

By applying the skills that basic mathematics equips us with, in the cradle stages of our lives, I deduced that since I had come in by 1:30pm and the exit time was 9pm, I had about 7 long hours of romance to carry out in this hostel. There’s just No way in hell I would get stuck here past 9pm and be embarrassed by those yeye man o’ war boys.

So wit morale, I sidon dey gist ma soul away, dey play love nwantintin, dey enjoy my life with my future baby.

Each room in the female hostel has about 6 double bunk beds, making about 12 occupants per room. They also had 4 wardrobes, which they shared amongst themselves, which was not without the usual bickering and quarreling prevalent amongst young ladies.

The beds were separated by the girls into “corners” and a large space was left for cupboards, boxes and anything else that couldn’t be inside the wardrobe or under the bed.

My girl’s corner in the hostel was curtained and it really paid us since it gave us privacy within the seemingly public room. Her bunkmate had gone for “mbomchi”(that’s what it’s called when u go to spend d weekend in a boys house)

So my point is, we were both alone, enjoying ourselves normally (and holily for all you dirty minds lol) though we stole some kisses in between.

It is important I bring to your notice, that what I’m about to tell you, happened in 4th year and by then I was a very popular MC in school.

Everybody, especially them gals liked me.

So anything happens with me,

Everyone must know.

Over spreading go worry the news.

And for this sole fact,

The devil, our adversary, accuser of the brethren, father of wickedness, just wanted to F me up.

I swear!!!

Seriously!!!

Till today,

When I think of it, I still don’t know how it happened.

But mein!!!

We both slept off…With her head on my chest…

And Stupid me, In my dreams I was going places, flying high, doing things, having fun, not knowing that reality, like a patient angry father waiting for His child to come back after staying out late, had a memorable experience waiting for me.

When I eventually awoke from my fantasy laden dream, cleared my eyes and looked at the watch.

9:15PM

The digital red letters of my watch seemed a little darker, as if to reinforce the fact that I was in serious trouble.

My God!!!….

Last time I checked it was 6:08pm

How did this happen…

Lord of mercy!!!!…

I was deeply befuddled, and I could see the same expression building up on my girl’s face, suggesting that, both our thought processes as to the consequences of this occurrence must have been an exact copy.

Her roommates did not even know I was still there am sure they would have woken us up. This was because of the curtain which ab-initio I had been happy with but now, I vehemently cursed the part it had played on my unfolding plight.

My thoughts came to me again and I began to imagine it all.

How I would frog jump.

How all d girls would laugh at me.

How even my guys whose role it would be to cheer me up would find eternal amusement from the incident, and how it would be that MC Stevo was f’d up in girls hostel.

The story might even make d school magazine.

“POPULAR MC STEVO CAUGHT RED HANDED IN FEMALE HOSTEL AFTER HOURS” the heading would scream.

Noooooooo!!!!

Noooooo!!!!

I paced round the room.

“This can’t be happening to me”I said to myself.

I pinched myself

Rubbed ma eyes,

Did all those things people in Nigerian movies do, hoping to wake up with sweat all over my forehead as was usually the case when I had a nightmare.

But For where?????

I looked at my watch again

Time was now 9:25pm in even deeper red color.

Thankfully, the girls in my girl’s room were cooperative. They all put heads together to see how they could save me. If it were to be some other rooms, someone would have gone to snitch so I guessed  the god in charge of good luck had not totally written me off and must have been considering that I was still worthy of redemption.

We were there thinking of how to beat security and get me out. It seemed an unattainable goal, because the room was on the last floor and there was only one exit to the hostel, which was flanked on both sides by the military and man o’ war rooms.

Not to talk of the fact that the hostel was fully lit up and the security guys sometimes walked round the hostel to ensure that there was sanity and peace all round.

The best I could hope for was to wait till midnight when the school generator would have been turned off. But who is to say that NEPA people, influenced by the bad luck god, will not decide that this was a perfect time to provide power, all night long.

From every angle I considered it, I was deeply doomed.

Ideas, suggestions etc. were flying in from every side, when we heard a knock on the door.

“Who is it” one of the roommates asked

“Man o’ war open up the door” the voice retorted.

GHEN GHEN (action time iyaff come again)

GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

 

How?

Why this room at this time

Heiiii!!!!!!!! Am dead!!!!

We were all confused. My eyes scanned the room in search of a hiding place.

Under the bed? But if they start to check, that would be the ideal place they would start.

Inside the wardrobe? Too obvious.

Inside the canerack?? Which most of them used to store foodstuff and kitchen things? Nah!! too small

Finally, this was it. I would surely be caught and disgraced…

I had almost given up….

When someone suggested I hide at one corner of their room close to the window, where they had a line to hang clothes. It was in d open a little bit, but if I bent down well and one of their cupboards was put in front of me, as well as some Ghana must go’s, I would not be seen, sorry allow me correct that, I might not be seen.

It was a big risk. A humongous one at that, but I took it.

Quickly, I went to the ground and took a fetal position, while the wardrobe and other things that would reduce my visibility to untrained eyes were put in front of me.

Door opens….

Man o war guy in, and he looked around wondering why it took them that long to open up.

“Are u people hiding somebody, or are u cooking in your room? Why did it take long to open up?”

“Ahn ahn we had to dress up na”

“I hope so” he said still looking around though, not totally convinced.

He actually came in to pass across an information, about hostel new rules and stuff and as he talked he walked around to emphasize his point and stamp his authority on the girls

I was there trying to manage, crouch in that I must say, painful position, When the door opened.

One  of the room mates, who had not been around since because she was doing a little washing came in  and headed straight for where I was and started hanging wet, dripping clothes and undies, on the line directly above me. (You see that bad luck god at work again right? Hmmmmm, okay o )

She dint even notice me there. She just wanted to get on with the hanging and join up with the man o’ war lectures.

My good God!!! Which kind life be this.

It was dropping all over me…

I was getting anointed king of girls’ hostel with underwear water.

Toptop

Toptop

Toptoptop

The water was dropping!!!! All over my body, and to make matters worse, she hung what looked like from where I was, pink underwear, directly above where my head was.

Kai!!!

It was raining…all over and around me

I could feel it….and this was not d latter rain like we sing in that Christian song…

I tried to adjust small

And to make matters worse

Top

Top

Two drops landed on my lips, I did not know d source, but somehow, just somehow, my mind managed to convince me that it must have been from the pink underwear. I could not even move my hand to wipe it, because of how I was crouched.

It was just chilling there on my lips threatening to make its way into my mouth.

After a while, the speed of the raindrops became faster

Top top top top top top toptop toptoptop toptoptop toptotoptoptoptottotptotptopptoptoptoptototp

I swear I don’t also know if this was imagined. But even if it was, you can pardon me na.

I was in a lot of trauma here u know…

I wanted to come out and shout

“Here I am, take me beat me, kill me, I can’t take this anymore” and damn the consequences, but a voice with a deep Ibo accent, from within, told me “my man keep holding on, jisike”

And d yeye man o’ war guy, like say them send am

Talk fast comot na? E just dey take him time.

Mtchewwwwww!!!!

He even stood close to where I was, but maybe thanks to the good luck I had left, he did not notice me.

At last, after like 10yrs, the mumu finally left.

When I came out…

Choi!!!!!!

I was drenched, like Michael Phelps exiting an Olympic swimming pool.

If that was the case I would have been happy, like seriously happy. Not this my own scenario, where it was water from………in short don’t worry……because just recalling  the source  is bringing tears to my eyes and making me sad.

M.C.Stevo!!! One of d girls hailed and they all giggled away. Including the girl, whose “sturvs” had anointed me.  Kai I have really suffered. At that point albeit, that was the most minuscule of my problems. How to carry out the girls hostel break was still prominent on my mind.

Then, a superb idea occurred to me.

What if I dressed like a girl…

And waited till they turned off the generator at midnight…

It would likely work. if I had come this far, this was one more I would try out and whatever happens, at least I tried my best shebi?

GHEN GHEN

GHEN GHEN GHEN(another action part…..na wa o see story)

Wig on….

Make up on my face…

A long gown…..

Bra with folded clothes inside as bobby. I touched them with both my hands and yeah!!!! **nodding** they were believable and finally some clothes were put inside my boxers and secured with some other layers of clothes to give me some junk in the trunk.

I surveyed myself in the mirror, turned this way and that and it was convincing. Once everywhere goes dark, this should work.

Midnight came, school generator off, the Hostel wore a dark clothing. I and 3 other girls in the room stepped out carrying buckets as if going to fetch water from the tap outside the hostel, while the others  were trying to pray down some good luck for me.

Hope you are praying too right now!!!

My friend Pray na.  ahn ahn u no want make I escape ni?

 

One leg out….

Look left…look right…

I stepped out…

I had barely walked past two rooms when slowly,

My fake cloth-backside was pulling down and before I knew it, it was almost @my thigh…

 

Mission aborted!!!

Retreat retreat!!!!!

 

We went back to the room, tied it more firmly and I walked round d room to  validate the effectiveness of this new backside, and it seemed it would hold up after a few more supposedly “cat walks”.

We stepped out again,

2nd floor, passed no confrontation,

1st floor, passed it no issues

Now onto the ground floor….

The most important part of my escape since that was where the lions where.

We had passed the military room and also passed the man o’ war room successfully when, we heard a voice, “hei those girls, stop there”. Stop where? Me? I continued walking not when I was this close to the exit

“Those 4 girls going to fetch water stop there” the voice came again, a little louder with a stain of developing anger

We stopped

Turned around and looked at who it was.

“Did you girls not hear me the first time, where are you rushing to”.

“Sorry” came the reply from one of the girls.

“Let me escort you to the tap” he said “don’t you know its dark”

“It’s not our first time going to the tap by this time to fetch water, we are not jambitos for Christ sake”

All of a sudden, a randy smile started developing across his face as he surveyed each of us in the usual places of male interests. I did not understand it until he spoke again. “Come on, beautiful girls like you, you need to be safe, you don’t want anything trying to hurt you angels”

Eewwwwww!!!

I wanted to puke hearing this. I uttered a silent prayer in my heart asking for forgiveness from the Lord if at any point in my life I had sounded this glaringly superficial to a girl.

Long and short of the matter was that he insisted. He was a little tipsy and so was hard to convince. There was not much we could do, so we let him come with us.

At the tap,

It got worse. He was hitting on all four of us, laughing giddily, telling us some dry stories. We did not want to be found out, so we encouraged him with laughter and feigned concentrated interest to everything he said.

At a point self, his hand was on my waist, and he was describing how it brought back memories of his former girlfriend’s waist to him.

He asked me for my name to which I replied “Stephanie”

“Wow, Miss Stephanie, that sure has a ring to it. What a magnificent name for an endowed angel like you” he replied amidst a smile that was too wide and looked like his mouth would extend up to his ears very soon.

Damn it!

I felt so gay, so weak, so used, so useless, so girly, but what could I do, if not to imitate the other girls and conjure a laughter that was really emotionally tasking for me.

Man o’ war boys have a thing for killing time and hitting on girls. He stayed there till we were done with fetching the unneeded water, and were heading back for the insides of the hostel. No way I could have separated from them and run to my hostel, which were just a few visual meters from where I was.

I was helplessly heading for the insides of the hostel again, when one of the girls, faked a phone call, and gave me the phone. I quickly understood. Brilliant girl

“Yes tony, I am in front of my hostel…..yes….okay…don’t worry I will wait…..eh….come quickly o… ok” I replied to the fake person on the other end of the line.

“It’s tony he wants to give me something, he has been calling my phone but I left it upstairs. You girls go on I’ll wait for him”I told the girls.

“Let me wait in front of the hostel, with you” the man o’ war guy asked.

Which kain bad belle be this na…… who beg am…who beg am my people……see wahala o

“Don’t worry its okay, I can manage dearie” I replied (dearie ko dearest ni)

He insisted, and it took a lot of charm, smiling and focused flirting from one of the girls, which he could not resist to make him go inside with them.

As soon as he left, I started running to my hostel, got somewhere and started taking all the female clothing, backside and all off, when two bright lights blinded me.

Before I could recover, it happened twice more, and when my blurred vision finally cleared, I saw the source. It was a boy and he had snapped me using his annoyingly clear phone camera.

ehh, stevo so this is what you are doing, dress like a girl and go into girls hostel abi, I’m going to report you to the man o’ war guys” and he started walking away.

“guy abeg na” I begged, wearing just my boxer shorts and singlet and trying to chase after him.

I pleaded with him tirelessly, but he seemed not to want to listen to me at all.  While we were doing that one man o’ guy I assume had been assigned to roam the hostel grounds for that particular hour of the night came towards us.

“wetin dey happen here” he questioned.

I looked at the guy; my disposition and the look in my eyes screamed don’t F me up to the guy. Luckily for me he got the message and when the man o’ war guy on recognizing me asked again mc any problem and I said no, he corroborated that fact and the man o’ war guy walked away.

“Thank u bros” I said with all my heart

“Don’t thank me he said, I only did this on one condition. Every show you will do in this school, I must get five free tickets.”

I accepted automatically and as I walked away the Ibo man voice in me calculated and told me I had just constantly given out ticket price, ranging from N2000 – N5000 but another  angelic voice told me that for my reputation, to avoid the school magazine, and to graduate successfully from that school without any security whatever being put into my file, that was a commiserate price, even small one to pay.

So as I walked away, to my hostel, climbed on my bed, I thanked God, for saving me, called them girls to tell them yes I had reached my hostel safely, and have never recounted this story to anyone until now.

I know they can’t withdraw my certificate again because of this right? ….LOL

if they can, then disclaimer here:  please note that this is purely a work of fiction. Thanks

NB: That thief always came for his five tickets. If you read this I have forgiven you lol.

So this time comment and tell me the morals you learnt from this story.

Thanks for coming around again, and if this is your first time… I LOVE YOU.

Read other cool stories on my blog
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Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
Steveekeng@Gmail.com
@itsunclestephen
BBM: 7B749FD0

 

 Unrepentantly Nigerian.

46 thoughts on “Miss Stephanie

  1. Lwkm! Wsh yu wr caught…*devilsh grin*….. I sha learnt dat tz way beta tu take a girl out, dan get carryd away gisting in her rum. Lol

  2. Walahi! Dis Stephen don craze finish 🙂
    Another hillarious piece..thumbs up steve.
    The lesson I learnt is that we shouldn't over do things. U had seven hrs to play wiv her, u cld have left after 4hrs buh u decided to sleep too.. na God catch u! :p

  3. stepvo my one and only head boy you are indeed talented and gifted and just plain ass hard rock. u actually made me laugh , you remind me of Chiamanda Aditchie style of writing , pls keep it up, i am looking forward to More stories

  4. "but her emotional traffic lights still
    flashed bright green to me and as a law
    abiding citizen, I had to obey and move the
    vehicle of my love according to her direction"…..how do you come up with these things? ???? …..Nicely done once again.

  5. Stevo u can lie ehn…..I always told u dis!!! Lmao, its bcos u have grad na dats why u can tell dis story…if man'o'war catch u eh

  6. Nwanne, hw did u feel when a fellow guy was touching u, and u calling that guy 'dearie'could leave us to draw an inductive inference that u might some worth be a 'bi'…. Ochi ato gbu gom….

  7. Guy are u a futoite cos most of ur stories remind me of the good old futo days hostel c nd D . Wetin man o war do me for hostel c kia. With my reg number, Gp, carry over and level this small boys tell der grand father to do frog jump …..

    • Greatest futoite lolzz no be small tin oooo…they nearly caught me when i went for evangelism **winks** u know nah heheheheh. Good one dude, keep it up and keep Repping us.

  8. Hehehehehe…Imagine say the man o' war guy no gree you stand wait for ur 'Tony',it would av 'done for you'. F.U.T.O turture.

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