LILY-BAPTISTA

Hmmmmmm
This is going to be,
A rather embarassing story for me
But yeah…
Am gon tell it no matter what…
I swear to be truthful
Blah blah blah….

It was two weeks to exams.
I was in second year….and staying in d hostel.
After what I had seen the first semester,
I swore at the beginning of the next semester,
That I would change.
Read my books from the first day of resumption.
Cut down on the parties and hanging out.
Kill ma lust for going to girls hostel.
And even wrote and pasted on my room wall,
What I wanted my cgpa to be for that semester.
4.96

How many of u
Did
Or still do this now
Raise ur hands up
C’mon don’t be shy….
Raise it higher let me count
(Looks around) yeah now dats better

I see we are plenty
And Am sure y’all know how it turns out most times shey?
We start it up….den slowly along the line,
We loose grip,keep procrastinating.

Then poof!!!!
Exam comes again
We pray to God to help us pass, promise to be better students the next semester
Blah blah blah
Smh…..

Well dats what happened to me….
It was exam time again,
I was ill prepared and trying to get ma books together,
plan a study strategy dat’ll make sure
I pass the exam,
When I noticed dat one of ma textbook was missing…
And this course,
In the lecturers own words:,

“I’m teaching now and u won’t listen,when u finish writing my exam..u’ll be walking around dis town looking for 3day academic revival crusade posters”

I searched and searched for d book
And suddenly, It came back to me.
I had borrowed one young lady my book.
Sharperly I called her on phone
But she kept posting and posting me
Till like One week to the exam….

Mehn!!! I was furious,
Ma friend were laughing at me and telling me how I would fail the course cos of a girl…
she was also proving really skilled at dodging me around school.
And d friggin Exam was drawing nearer

I felt so bad
Cos it seemed I had to start looking for dos academic crusade posters at this rate..

My men gingered me,
“Call am again, she dey mad?”
“U sef dey do like fool,call am find am”

For d last time I called her
Dis time d story was different
She explained to me dat she had given anoda girl my book,
And d oda girl had refused to hand it back..
I asked her for the oda girl’s number,
So I could call maself and ask for ma book

“Send the number now” I said….

**Pimpim pimpim**
The sms entered
With a number and a name beside It

0806532118X Lilian Mechanical Engr.

I dialed the number
**Ring ring** **ring ring**

“Hello” I heard a sweet voice say
“Hello I’m stephen” I replied and narrated my story of how I needed my book back….

I was shocked after repeating ma long gist,
I heard d reply of
“am sorry am still using it, is this ur no, I’ll save it,when I’m done,I’ll call and give it to u”
And d call ended…..

Such impudence!!!

Dis one dey mad?
Exam dey come dis one dey talk thrash
I dialed it again….
She picked and said “I’ve told u na…ur disturbing me,I’m fetching water now….pls later”
Before the call ended, I managed to squeeze in dat I was coming to dat tap to see her and she better not repeat dis I said or what I would do she’ll be surprised…

All I got in reply was “come na”.

Choi!!!
My friends ran mad when they heard…
Morale was high…
We wanted to see who d girl was
Jesus!!! See mind….

When we were about to leave d room,
Someone asked who d girl was.
I said “lilian mechanical”
And he said “if I were u, I would not go there”
“Why” I asked
“U won’t get that book back” he replied

Hian!!!!
Girl again,
For dis school….
Taaah!!!!
Who she be…
I was mad,
Me and ma men
Ran to the tap side like bulls dat had seen the red color
Enquired from another girl
“Excuse me pls…who amongst those girls is lilian in mechanical”
“Tell her we want to see her” I said
She went to the tap..told her and came back to us and asked
“Why are u looking for that girl…don’t u know her?”
“Who she be”
my friend asked
“Ah!!! Dats baptista”
Baptista? D name rang a bell in our heads
“Yes” the girl continued that is “lily-baptista”
And instantly we knew who she was…

Lemme tell u another story….
Once upon a time
A girl beat up three of her class girls ,and the house mistress in boarding school and was expelled from the school.

A girl beat up her sisters boyfriend while she was still in secondary school for breaking her sisters heart

This same girl also allegedly put devil beans in her room mates water to teach dem a lesson…

This girl had also been continually begged to join the school man-o-war cos of her built and toughness

Same girl had got into a fight with one of d feared man-o-war guys in her hostel and both of dem left with equal scratches…

And the only time dat we heard in the university dat a girl slapped,pounced on,beat up and even put sand in a boy’s mouth for calling women the weaker sex, the same girl carried out the act.

Her exploits were so much,dat even though u did not know her in person,u had heard about her and had been warned about not getting in her wahala…

Thus she had been nicknamed

LILY-BAPTISTA

and it was even a name u don’t dare call her to her face… As we heard…

Hei!!!!
I don die!!!
My friends immediately pulled back…
She raised her head and identified dat I was the boy,dat had called her on phone…
She signalled me to wait
I was torn between being a man….
And being a beaten up man….

As I stood there,
My mind’s eye did a comparison between us.
Dis was a modern case of david and goliath
And I was obviously going to shame my ancestor david by losing this battle
Since I had come without 7 smooth stones and a sling…

I watched her Pump water from the mechanical pump(manpower) since the tap was spoilt,
For close to 10 people’s bucket
Without stopping for breath.
Something I never could do…

She was tall, about 6ft 6
Built like a man,
Strong hands
Low cut hair
A hard looking body…
Small set teeth
Bright and rather cute eyes sha…,
Always wore male looking clothes
(Like d shirt she was wearing today was a cartoon of the popular saw movie)
And funny enough,
She was kinda busty too
But in the situation I was in,
Those looked like the biblical goliath’s breastplate.
Dat wld prevent my stone from penetrating her, had I brought dem along

I stood firmly
But was shaking vigorously inside.
I thought only exams could do this to me
But I had not met lilybaptista den…

After she finished pumping,
She walked towards me
Sweating and breathing hard..
the sun made her muscles glisten with a malicious and malign quality.

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (action time again o)

Each step she took towards me,
Felt like my death was coming closer..
Ready to embrace me in its cold arms.
I wanted to turn around and bolt
But I be man now
Shey if it was u…u won’t run na..will u?

She got to me and ma friends who had retreated far away from even listening distance,
And asked “u called me on phone right?”
She had a sweet voice…gosh…just not the type of body it should be coming from
“Yes” I stammered
She put her hands on my shoulder
And dat just reduced me from david
To a small ant…
“U actually raised ur voice at me?” She said
I swallowed hard…
Closed my eyes….

It happened faster than I had envisaged
A kick in the balls….
And I was on the ground….
Dat shit was painful….
All d boys know what I’m talking about shey?
Dat ting can over humble u…
My voice became thin and I guess she dint hear all d sorry lemme explain I was saying
Cos another elbow hit ma back as I was on the ground rolling in the sand…
A crowd was beginning to gather
And ma friends…cowards… were not in the crowd at all
My neck went inbetween her leg
And my back was being pounded
Making me look like a human drum
She d skilled village player
And d onlookers like d crowd dat had gathered
Around the village square,
To watch d display of musical genius…

Poof!!!
I was turned around
Back flat on the ground
And she sat on me wit all her weight on me….
Slaps were planted to and fro my face…
I wept…
Begged God to save me….
While all this were happening,
My eyes were tightly closed…

She stood up from me,
Brought me up
Put her hands on my shoulder…
God they were so hard
And I heard her say “so u shouted at me on d phone right?”

I noticed she was waiting for a response…
Dis was not normal
I opened my eyes

There was no crowd
No village people in the village square
Listening to me being pounded like a drum
It was just me,her and lemme say my friends
Even though they were a safe distance away

And I realised that this was my imagination
Or better still a premonition showing me
What I would face if I said the wrong thing..

I managed a smile… And said to her “I was not really shouting sha…” in a voice dat was so lame I could not believe it was mine.
“No u were shouting” she replied
“Am sorry anyways… if I was…. thing is …remember I said what I would do when I got here would surprise u?”
“Ehen!!? what’s d surprise?”
She replied with that sweet innocent voice again, dat should not belong to her,while her hand was still on ma shoulder.
I swallowed spit and continued…
“Well I realised dat I actually have two of dat book,so I just wanted to let u know dat u can have d one ur with….
“Really?”
she asked
My mind was like “before nko I like ma life na”
Yes I replied “take it…its yours…in short…cancel my name…write ur name there…its a gift from me to u…am in d mood for doing some good dis exam period”
“Thank u”
she said
Her hand left ma shoulder
I breathed a small sigh of relief
Next thing…surprisingly,
She hugged me.
Omo eh!!! dat hug sef was hard….
“Ur a nice guy” she said “no one has ever given me anything in this school before “
“Mmmm” and “ahhhh” was all I could reply cos d hug had cut off all my air supply….
Finally she released me
Few seconds before I would av given up d ghost…
People were alredi looking as baptista hugged me
My friends did not understand how me who should be dead,
Was walking away with a hug

And as I walked towards them,
I heard her say “stephen”
In my mind
Am like chei!!! D juju has stopped working
I turned and expected like a slap or punch
But she looked at me and said “I don’t do dis but I think I kinda like u….are u like gon be free afta exams so we can hook up and talk ?”

Hook up?
Was dat a trick question.
I tried to shake off the feeling
But I felt like she would actually hook ma neck
Or something worse

Was dis a request or command
I wondered to maself
And to be on the safe side….
Omo mein I said yes
“Cool” she said “I’ll call u” and walked abi na bounced off to her hostel

And as I walked back to ma hostel…
I kept looking at any signboard or noticeboard
I could find
So dat I can choose….
Which 3day academic revival program I would eventually attend for dat course…

I learnt from dis event

1. To avoid procrastination and do things when I’m supposed to do them..if I had studied from d beginning shey I for no dash my textbook out..

2. Never to understimate anyone at all…especially because d person is a woman..

3. Omo mein…given d chance, some girls can run dis world…

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Love y’all (nohomo guys)
Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
@ItsUncleStephen
BBM: 561EBDA8
Steveekeng@gmail.com

31 thoughts on “LILY-BAPTISTA

  1. Nice one stephen, got me laughing from my sick bed!!! I'll b expecting lily baptista 2, cus only by divine intercession cud u hv escaped or survived dat date.

  2. ??媕?媕?�=D ??媕?媕?�= i so wished de gal pounched u on de face. So u cud feel hw a womans strength can be esp if shez a bloq. Dis is indeed serious, funny nd inspiring. Nyce one Ajasco

  3. Nice one. But U didn't teLL us whether U finaLLy dated and how it ended. Whether U were moLested or sexuaLLy abused by the Sugar Daddy (LiLy Baptista). So did U eventuaLLy pass the course in question?
    ? =)) ?°?HAHAHAHA ?°?CHO? .
    __

    Stephen, U no go kiLL moi !!!

  4. So u fit fear like this sha….e sure me say d girl rape u join….chai!!! U be disgrace to manhood! *spits*….lwkmd…keep it up dude…

  5. Oh mehn!!! Me sef wey be girl no gree for dis one oh..why girl go de beat boy..very funny one.. Got ma imagination running.. Nice one Uncle Stephen

  6. Hahaha, you got me laffing (now you know, women can/do rule the world). I love all your stories, please keep them coming.

  7. Awesome work, bestest (if english wil permit me to say) piece of work yet. More grease to ur already greasy elbows

  8. Pingback: Lily-Baptista 2 « Funny Stories from a Friend to His Many Friends

  9. Pingback: LILY-BAPTISTA « eksuparrot's Blog

  10. Jesus! U have got real talent…I just can't stop laughing. Please dear, can u send all ur stories 2 my email. A friend(outside d country)is anxious 2 read. Xpecting a reply. U ar genius joor

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