HOW I BECAME THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE

                              

You read this title and you were like,” this boy has come again”..[ In Terminator’s voice ] AM BACK!!!

What else gives me more joy than adding a spark to your day or night (depending on when you are reading this)…

The fastest man in the world Usain Bolt, runs 100m in just 9.78 seconds that cannot be so difficult  right?(na wash). Sincerely, in the situation I was placed in, I had to beat that record as you’ll see…

It all happened many years ago…when the tortoise was (eh!!?)

Tortoise ko tortoise ni…This ain’t tales by moonlight jor.

This story starts with a girl (yes ooo… another girl, and trust me this is unlike the previous one. No trekking in this story).

Well, I went to an eatery in town and I saw her…

Cute lil thing.

She set like mathset.

And you know that paw-paw nursery rhyme right???

If you don’t, it goes:

Pawpaw is a kind of fruit (2x)

…This is where the girl comes into the rhyme…

She was,

“sweet like sugar”

“yellow like Fanta

“everybody has to like dis girl” (rephrased)

If you went to a good primary school,

This is the part where all the children shout…

“Pawpaw!!!” or in my case “fine girl!!!”

Plus she had dimples….OMG!!! That thing gets to me like mad.

She uses glasses (weird thing, I also like girls that wear glasses)

There she was. Just sitting there, busy being beautiful and charming… choi!!!

STEP ONE: EYE CONTACT (for those boys without game,better start writing down ooo…lol)

I just injured her with looks. Coded looks sha (for those of you writing this down)not staring at her with your mouth open and have that internal  igbo voice calling you “mumu”.

Just codedly. Every 2 minutes, maintain 5seconds eye contact and look away (LOL…. see training)

With this tactic, I noticed she was the shy type. Cos whenever she caught me looking, she just smiled timidly and looked away.

So I was encouraged…

Unlike some wicked ones,whose retorting looks will not only tear your shirt but also your singlet and leave some serious marks on your body.

Thank God she dint do that cos I bruise easily (LOL….dats so not manly right? Disregard that please)

STEP TWO: THE APPROACH

For all my students following my step by step guide, this is the next step:

…Go to da shawty

Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt.After all whats d worst that can happen?

1.The Shirt Destroying Look

2.A subtle insult

3.Or in some cases where the girl was angry before you approached her,a really hot slap….

none of these 3 scenarios are bad…right? [if I hear]

Well in ma case luckily, there was a fourth scenario.

4.the good option,where we talked and  I got the number that makes boys happy

The ELEVEN NUMBERS.

Well,we got talking

became phone pals,

like really close

fell in love…..

And she broke ma heart!!!

That’s d end of my story.

I ran this time instead of trekking like ma first heartbreak…

Duh!!!!

This the real gist abegi…

We talked,
Became good phone pals,
we got really close,
and then decided to know each other’s house……

This is where the Devil punished me.

You know the wicked thing about the devil is that, like those brutal secondary school seniors ,the punishment does not just involve kneeling down, closing your eyes and raising your hand. In my case I had to also open my mouth….

The Deal Day

[in pastors voice] someone out there turn to his/her neighbor and say “neighbor!!! The deal day”

[in pastors voice] I can’t hear you. Shout it loud ! Say , “neighbor, the deal day”

Boys just gast to impress na aint it brova?

So I ironed hell out of my shirt,complemented it with some cool skinny’s,stole my brothers shoes too [ please don’t do holier than thou. We all do it…yes even u]

…and to crown it all, I sprayed my father’s perfume [ well he was not around and before he returns the smell would have gone out of the house….leave am, I dey calculate well.]

As I stepped out into the streets,

see heads turning,

people stopping,

girls tripping,

car accidents happening,

airplanes crashing [nb: this was not d same day as Dana plane crash please…thank you]

Yes!!!! I was on point!

The girl just gast believe that like a saviour, I was sent to take her away from sadness, into everlasting love…

Stephen 3:16 [New Nigerian translation bible]

Just like you expect in Lagos,
There might be traffic and I might get there late

Plus, this cannot  be the  kinda day to enter  danfo,molue or keke for that matter.Before I sit near one woman selling fish and she replaces this my calculated scent,that made me an olfactory delight wherever I passed,
with titus and kpanla smell….. [somebody reject it for me…thank you bro/sis for that rejection]

abeg okada stop!!!!!!

6th  avenue festac.

So when I  got there and called her phone,with this deep sexy voice of mine [ people who know me are screaming…liar!!! LOL]

“babe am on your street”

and she replied “am coming out now to get you”

see me as I position for the street ready to meet her….

Well, she had her own surprises too.
Gosh if you see the house!!!!.
Her people were obviously well to do.
Beautiful building, spacious and with a cool, calming and spirit lifting ambience.

I had to struggle to gain composure and  prevent myself from staring at the environt like a jjc(johnny just come) to Lagos, seeing  skyscrapers for the first time….

Inside the house,
she offered me juice and I declined [normal formings na…courtesy demands that…so I don’t look hungry]

She persisted and I accepted…

We were gisting random things and some minutes later, her kid brother came downstairs, saying he was taking a walk with 2 names I did not get and  did not care to listen to, to my own detriment as you will see later.

what’s my own?
it seemed like good luck for me after-all. That meant I and her, were going to be  alone in the house…

I talk a lot you ought to know that by now. So we gisted and gisted and I made her laugh and we had fun.

And it was time to go… [ and no!!! nothing happened. You dirty mind..]

We stepped outside. She locked the door since there was no one else at home…and did something I least expected.

she hugged me….
wow!!! (Titanic music plays)
plus she smelt nice too….
and then planted one small peck on my cheek [that in my head started growing fruits…LOL]
whilst telling me how I had made her day.
Glory Glory Glory!!!!!

Then

GHEN GHEN [lol action time again my brother/sister]

GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN [please in your head play all those Nigerian movie soundtrack so u can enjoy the story too…LWKMD4H]

The gate Opened…

and guess who walked in???

If u guessed her father, then you were wrong……

It was her younger brother….. [that aint scary you say]
with the two “people” he earlier said he  went to walk with whose names I did not listen to.

Lo and behold they were……
TWO Rottweiler dogs

The blood drained out of my face instantly. I dislike Dogs [or maybe I do cos of this experience].
The dogs wasted no time, like they knew this. Cos the chase began almost instantly….

On a normal day, am not  one bit athletic but on this fateful day,the docile sportsman in me,rose up to the challenge…Supported by  that igbo voice that  came again and said “my man, run!”.
so, I just chose a direction and ran like a mad man.

The dogs came in solidly behind me
and my friend’s younger brother was coming in at third position,whilst trying to shout the dogs down.

I chose the right direction because I was running towards the back of the house and it was really spacious…Giving me enough time to give Usain Bolt a run for his money.

As I ran,
I could hear d growling of the dogs
I could feel their eyes just looking at my juicy butt as they chased. I inexplicably could also feel their want, to sink their sharp canines in it.
I already was starting to feel the inexorable pain that would result if that happened.

But really I was fast that day abeg!!!
one, two, and I was trying to climb untop of kinda like a raised platform hoping to give myself height advantage…with the thought that the dogs would be unable to get there.
And though I was right, I did that slowly which gave enough time for the closer, faster and smaller dog to get a tug at my trouser.

I looked down to see it and was expecting the second to come on and  do justice to my butt cos I was getting dragged down by the first.

Luckily for me, the owner had managed to catch and calm the older  slower dog,leaving me battling for the ownership of  one of my own legs,with a dog that felt it wanted it more…..

So the battle continued until  my friend came and held it,trying to calm the smaller dog and giving me the time to come down from the platform.Heaving a sigh of relief,I started  towards the gate.

But……

The dog tore loose from my friends grip,Hell bent on biting me!!! I continued my race forward.

Boy o Boy… I ran abeg.
Covering what I thought was distance…yet the gate, where my salvation was, was getting no closer.

Sha, I gast continue to run na...[and my brother’s shoe really helped my sprint. Thank God I wore it].
Wetin I go tell my people if I reach house with half eaten butts… (No way!!!)

The thought of my father scolding me,was like power horse to my body
and I kept the movement mehn……
I reached the gate….it was open.
Obviously my friend’s brother had not had time to close it and this worked for my Good.

As I looked back and saw the dog gaining on me,I passed the gate, slammed it, continued to run…..

kept on running o….

no looking back

Forward Ever

Backward Never…..

and as I kept on running

This time also,

heads turned

people stopped

girls wondered….

motorists moved and  were amazed

At seeing a well dressed boy  running, looking terrified…

I got to the bustop

Okada o !!!!!!!!

where he asked?

Oga please anywhere I almost screamed……

as he moved, I looked back and the dog was still chasing me…..

Nah!!!! it was ma imagination doing its job and mocking me……

When I got home,

I fell on the bed

closed my eyes….

and holding my butt, I prayed and thanked God for returning in one piece……

and for helping me break a world record in the 100m sprint [lol, cause i swear i must have]

Ps: The girl did not even call me to find out whether I was alive or dead

Morals of the story…..

1. Check for these  signs before entering any house ….

   or this

2. When life throws at you difficult situations, just be determined to make it to the gate of success..

3. We all need that little pressure to be at our best sometimes…

4. If she insists that the venue must be her house,don’t forget to carry bone!! Or scooby snacks. That might work…

5. If you can,make it your house or a fast-food where you are sure there are no DOGS…

Any other morals from the story my friends?
Feel free to comment and tell me…..

check out my last story “My First Heartbreak…LOL” interesting also

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Do come back for more…

Thanks and God bless you for reading

Hope you were entertained and taught

your favourite,
uncle Stephen
bbm; 561EBDA8
twitter; @itsunclestephen
steveekeng@gmail.com

 

50 thoughts on “HOW I BECAME THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE

  1. Wow i reali love dis storie jx d kinda tin 2 spice up ma day. Wel writen. U shld try nd get ur butt biten uncle steve dat wil gve u a beta perspektive on wah 2 write. Lwkmd. I advice pple neva 2 read diz whyl eatin coz d konsikwence wil b…

  2. Looool!!!! Completely hilarious!!! I feel u my broda! Dats wat dey call osondu!!! Bt my sis wsnt so lucky o..4 dogs chawed her butt! She cnt stand dem til date!

  3. Chineke! I read this first thing in the morning, believe me, it made my day. I laugh soteyyyyyyyy I cry, come choke join inside.
    Stevo my broda, I di very good. Aka m di n‘elu.

  4. Uncle. U don try oo. ?? ground i D?y
    Nw, D?y
    Cry o . Job well done. Thumbs up bro. Next tym i mak sure i don read. Ur. Link wen am eaten

  5. Infact stephen U????? 'r blessed. I actually woke up nd saw d link,although at first I thought it was a prank buh when I got started….I couldn't stop laughing.I get bored easily buh dis……I read every single word nd after sending dis,I'll go back again(lol) cos its honest nd I can fit it in2 our Nija scene(GOD bless Naija). Keep it up aii!!!!! I look forward 2 more funny stuff nd pls mister……..buy ur own stuff cos GOD forbid say dat shoe commot 4 ur leg(*smh*) ur bro 4 kill U????? ooo…. Lol….Gdluck

  6. Hahahahahahahahaha. Our Father Steven…..Nice One! I thought I wasn't gonna laugh but your play with words painted the picture appropriately and made me laugh…nice one! Still expecting you in owerri for the ConferenceHOPE!

  7. daddie wen dis one happen ooooo………..lwtmbrotflmao….insyd cybercafe for dat matter……gud one mehn

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  9. Abeg dnt do wah ai just did…reading dis story whilst in church…d person sitting close tu yu myt nt undastand yur amusement…stevo yu r gud

  10. VeWi funny….u might as well represent nigeria in dis 2012 olympics..lol..u write rily nyc stories..keep it up..

  11. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha till my bele bust
    Omo eea, dat ya bab?????? wicked, she no even lyk u well good 4 u, hahahahah

  12. You have just made me embarrass myself in the Bus. I just can't stop laughing. Very good one mehn, very good one.

  13. Lwkmd… Uncle Steve, u're Fun 2b with.since yestaday,'ve bin lafin all alone as a result of funni gists lyk diz,now ma Mum thinks am nt normal..lolz.. U ve rili spiced ma mawnin.#WINKS#

  14. Lwkmd… Uncle steve,U re fun 2b with…c me lafin lyk craze,now ma mum thinks am not normal cuz i'v bin lafin since yestaday at funi gists of ma fwnds.. U spiced ma mawnin though.

  15. Gosh!! I almost had head ache laughing!! Looool sorry o! Maybe she dint call u cus to her,u were nt 'man' enof to face her dogs.
    Lwkmd!!

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