HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2

This is not one of those normal posts where I tell a story of my Life and make you Laugh.
Not today.
If you want a funny birthday story read happy birthday

Its my Birthday and i’ll try and sound very deep like aristotle.
There are so many reasons to be happy on your birthday.
You just succeeded in adding one more year to your Life despite your Haters wanting to bring you down, that is if you have haters o, or despite your village people always doing meeting for you in the village square. People keep asking me what is it with me and village people and I tell them that if it’s you that big mosquitoes and many other wicked creatures are lurking around in bushes to bite and somebody else is in another place not thinking about any of these things, living the life, taking selfies and turning up, it will just be natural for you to beef them.

Growing up makes you realise plenty things. As a child you know that mummy and daddy gave birth to you. What they did to give birth to you, you don’t know or why it is that mummy’s tommy is big again and she said is daddy that did it is also unknown to you. But when you grow up and realise how exactly to make a mummy’s stomach big, you can’t look at your daddy the same way and prefer not to even think the events that must have taken place.

Or is it how parents tell you that all the money visitors usually give you, that you gave to them, they used it to buy pants and socks for you.you later grow up and realise that pants and socks dont cost that much. Please mum if you read this, I have calculated it you owe me about N50,000

Childhood innocence also makes you believe so many things which when you grow up, you can’t believe you fell for such. How many of you were told that when your biscuit falls on the ground, devil has eaten it. I know how many times in my mind I wondered why devil won’t just buy his own biscuits. And everytime my “okin” biscuit fell on the ground, my imagination just immediately brought a hand out of the ground and I saw it taking my biscuit and pulling it inwards.hence I concluded that such an entity that specialised in collecting little children’s biscuit must be wicked as they say in sunday school. Years Later,I refused to be fooled anymore, if the hand one dey comot for ground, I dey match the hand collect my biscuit for ground. Devil no know Iya Wasiu shop? He should go and buy his own joor.

Growing up, you also realise that you can no longer bath outside under the rain with sandra, Shola and Hafisat because their mummy told them that they should not allow boys to see or touch that boil growing on their chest.

You also wake up one morning and realise that your voice has broken and you now sound more like daddy but without the plenty hairs on his chin. (If as a guy your voice hasn’t broken till now, this is surely your village people. Find hammer and break it yourself. ). I Know how many times while growing up, I was forced to rub spirit under my chin so I can grow beards which until now that I write this, I have only about 26.63 strands of beards under my chin. I fully intend to find a church holding a crusade titled “you evil people, Let my beard Grow” because thankfully these churches these days are holding crusades targeted at a particular cause or enemy like this ones below.

ewrah

Time passes very quickly. All of a sudden you wake up in the morning and realise that your Oga down below now stands at attention every morning, saluting the unseen NSCDC oga. I remember explaining this particular problem to my mother and all she told me is that “my son this is even easier to live with than what girls your age go through”. When I found out what girls my age go through at that stage, my brother, anyday I wake up and Jnr no wake up with me I go know say wahala don burst.

Then a time comes when babes begin to cause reactions in your body you never imagined where possible. I remember in JSS3 when we went for an excursion and the bus spoilt. They crammed all of us into one bus and I was sitting down. I politely offered **name withdrawn for security reasons** my laps to sit on instead of her standing. When she sat down comfortably and was moving her behind comfortably on my leg like say she dey ontop water bed na him gbege wan burst. Everybody dey bus dey gist I just dey look bush to deviate my attention from the biological reaction that was occuring on my lap. If you see the way I concentrate dey look bush like say I be horticulturist eh, yet e no work. Becuase like they say, you cannot cheat nature. Till today I know she must have felt something like biro chooking her but I guess her motto was better a chooking biro, than a girl standing for five hours.

Then University comes and goes with tons of crazy experiences depending on the type of friends you kept. You call your parents and add ontop of the school fees. They laugh and still send you the money and you feel like you have scammed them. But it depends on the kind of parents oh! Some parents dey binu. Be like one of my guy don do the thing too much the papa go meet HOD straight ask am how much be school fees. This nigga had been adding almost 100k on it. Well safe to say the HOD became almost like his guardian and the father was sending both feeding money straight to HOD and my guy go go discuss in not more than five sentences with the HOD why he needed money to eat.

But all in all, Growing up means a lot of responsibilities, Life takes a whole new meaning. Now your father is asking “son, what do you want to do with your life” when aforehand no body cared what you did with your life. You realise that money is not an easy thing to get, and you hail your parents who took care of you from cradle to the point where you are at now. Especially when I and my friends during NYSC wanted to buy baby food as gift for our neighbor who just gave birth. When we enter the store come price baby food eh! .Blood of **insert the blood you like best here**. We were shocked. So as a young man when you remember how much it costs to buy baby food, and take care of a woman you’ll understand the inspiration behind 2face singing “Young man, be careful and think it twice. Before you choose to use(2x) to use your device” notice the emphasis on device usage by the 2baba. My man don buy cerelac and Huggies tire e gast warn others.

And to think that one day,time will also pass and I will become a very old man. Not be able to barb a hairstyle of my choice because I might have been saddled with bald hair, not being able to walk without assistance from someone else or a walking stick . Not be able to remember what day of the week it is, or which of my grand Children exactly is sitting on my Laps. Not be able to see all the beautiful women that the Good Lord has put on the earth because of my failing eyesight. Not be able to drink anymore because am sure the doctors will say its bad for my health. And most importantly not be able to perform because all the linings on my waist must have worn out, I choose to live a good life, put as much Laughter on the faces of people, as much as I can and ensure that like my Grandfather once told me, when I asked him why he always sat alone,staring into space and smiling “son I have made sure that in my Life I have created more good memories to balance the bad ones that life throws on me. Make sure you do the same”

So on this day that the Lord has added another year to my Life, I thank Him cos no be by my power. Also special thanks go to my village people, you guys give me reasons to continue pushing on and staying strong. To my family whose prayers have continually sustained me, una too much. To my boo, chai! I love you too much. And finally to all of you who continually read this blog and even without knowing me in person, have continually with your kind words, and continuous sharing of my stories, turned something which I started out of boredom into one of the biggest and best things to have happened to me, just kneel down let me pray for you.
“your village people, shall never catch you, in Jesus name” AMEN

Included below are some funny old pictures I found of myself online. Looking back at them now, I still dont understand what I was thinking when I posted them online. But you know this village people they will use their mirror log into your account on facebook and be posting embarassing pictures….

Thanks for the Birthday wishes, DP’s,Emails, sadly once again I didn’t get calls this year for reasons beyond my control.

Read other funny stories here all stories

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
Steveekeng@Gmail.com
@itsunclestephen
BBM: 7B749FD0

After a particularly bad exam back in school. i kept wondering which way nigeria.

After a particularly bad exam back in school. i kept wondering which way nigeria.

This was me, slimming down so i can act as a somalian terrorist in Captain Phillips

This was me, slimming down so i can act as a somalian terrorist in Captain Phillips

Forget the dressing. There i was in the middle like the ladies man i was way back in secondary school

Forget the dressing. There i was in the middle like the ladies man i was way back in secondary school

cant remember if i was High or not.... but i had to snap too biko

cant remember if i was High or not…. but i had to snap too biko

one show i went for and they refused to pay me. i couln't smile abeg

one show i went for and they refused to pay me. i couln’t smile abeg

13 thoughts on “HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2

  1. I wish u can write in my native language (Kalabari, Rivers State) as I can laugh my village people in that accent. Keep it up bro. Abk indirect-related!

  2. Its like you said in the beginning. Humour served really deep. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes from growing older. And a certain sadness too. Happy birthday, Oga Stephen.

  3. It is quite interesting that Nigeria is now leading the whole of Africa in internet usage. The interest of Nigerians in internet technology has led to the emergence of a unique blog like this one. Well done creator!

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