Happy Birthday

Yay!
Coincidentally, today(27th april), is also my birthday, another awesome year in my awesome existence. So I’ve decided to give something back for all the love y’all been showing me so far.

Here’s a story that happened on one of my birthdays back in school

Ermm, before the light fades do grab a popcorn, sit back relax and enjoy.

Barely a week after the babe in my previous story, MY Oga Down Below , Nearly put me into wahala, I got into trouble again.

I know some of you frequent readers are like; Yes! Mr. Trouble, ashewo! Women would kill you.

I no go kuku argue with una But seriously this time as you read on, you’ll realize it was not close to my fault in anyway at all.

Na where I say make I help friends na em I enter wahala

We had this mad party a week earlier in school, which was an avenue for most of my school boys who, unfortunately with their own hands, wrote Jamb, made high scores and got into a school with a ratio of 7boys to every one girl.

 (I hear the ratio has vastly improved and I just remembered I still have to come back and collect my original certificate and also encourage the ladies in engineering to put in their best **winks**)

Most of my school boys came prepared, especially because the party was to have an overwhelming influx of external chicks.
Boys were obviously ready to collect enough contacts mayne no dulling at all at all.
At the end of the party, the number of contacts each guy acquired, was too much for him, I’m sure. At least if u try all of them, one must work except that baba in your village has said NO.

Of particular interest was one of my guys. The boy don dey skool 400L no babe to show for it. So on dat party day, e no wan hear story say chicken mama born 6pikin 15 die.
He amassed close to 20 phone numbers and even dear old 2go ID’s

Even if na to collect REG no, blood group and any other helpful info, my man dey ready as he came with paper and pen tucked into his back pocket.
Graduating babe-less was a crime punishable by death for him.

one week later,

It was my birthday. I did not really have so much planned out myself. Just rest, sleep, keep receiving happy birthday phone calls and sms till evening, then go out and hang out with my guys and some ladies
This was one year I was so popular that if I tried having a full blown party, I must wreck!
So I just kept it lowkey sufri sufri

Whilst walking home after a stroll, I received a phone call from my man, the one with the phone numbers of all the girls that came for that party, asking for my whereabouts.

“oboy stevo, where you dey? I need your help now now now, I dey your lodge”

HIAN!!!! Help again? “nawa o” i thought

“I dey road, I dey come” I replied
“abeg come sharp sharp sharp only u fit do this thing for me”

**raised eyebrow smiley**
 

This kind of phone call scares the shit outta me. Because I go begin think plenty plenty things
And I have quite a far reaching imagination. “I Hope this is something that makes sense o” I wondered continuously

Dis kain “thing” wen dese boys want make I do for dem! Na wa o!

After about 15mins I got home

una plan am?
See all the Akpo people asking me “What took you that long?”

I trekked na!

Wait First! I had cash on me!
Just felt like stretching my legs ni jare
Don’t tell me you don’t feel like that sometimes too.

Abeg worefa!  (rolling eyes)

As I was saying!
I got home and discovered two of my guys waiting outside my room
Like say I dey owe dem money!
I tried to extract what the problem was
But like all those village elders in Nigerian film, they refused telling me.
Until we were seated in my room and I had brought them fresh palm wine and kolanut.

Of course I dint have kolanut and wine (where i wan see am from na) so they cleared their throats and told me that Tradition forbids that….. ermm!!! Sorry! What am I saying sef…

Mtchewwww ehen! Iyaff remembered

I was deeply worried until they told me what was up

Smh! (Please shake your head too, its worth it)

The way they came e go be like person die
But the issue was something flimsy
Guess what it was?

a)      They wanted to borrow money from me

b)      As Elders, they needed someone to go to the evil forest for them

c)       They wanted a girl’s phone number from me

d)      They wanted us to go hangout somewhere

And as I must have rightly assumed

Most of u picked A or C

Funny enough the answer is E none of the above (and yes! I can do that, I own this blog)
So option E which if you had looked closely you would have seen

THEY CAME TO BORROW CLOTHES N SHOES

The question is, so why the urgency abi?
Why make it look like someone almost died
Another mumu reason!

Dem boys had a date…

It so happened that the two boys had been setting P with some babes they met on that party day
And the babes were giving them suggestive responses.

At long last, my men had gotten an invite to the girls’ house and they wanted to go there looking so fresh and clean.
One needed my black shoe, and the other needed one of my t-shirts to complete their planned fabulous look
and ensure the babes were totally dazzled.

As a real guy is supposed to sometimes, i offered them the chance to wade into my wardrobe, so the boys were busy selecting when one of them got a phone call.

“hei! Vikky” and pointed to me while mouthing “na the babe o”

“we are at a friends place, stevo! The guy that was MC that night!”

(pause)

“yes he is here”

(pause)

“oh okay”  passing the phone to me he said “stevo she wan follow you talk”.

Not to bore you with details of the convo,  she said her and a couple of friends were having an inside room get together and wouldn’t mind meeting me again
after my performance at the show the previous week, they would be very happy if I could come with my friends to town.

Mentioning that today was my birthday, did not help matters, as I spoke to 3 other girls over the phone, all wishing me to come with their torturous sexy voices to come around.

I tried every single excuse i could bring up but at a point she almost made it look like if i was not coming my guys should forget it and of course my guys themselves were looking at me with this pussycat face that was saying “stevo abeg na, do am for us”

hmmmmmmmmm

And I agreed, reluctantly! (please note that)

We dressed up
Sprayed the different perfumes and body sprays we had in different quantities and order to give us unique scents ( its a precision science few people know how to do it..LOL)

One of my guys totally abandoned his own clothes and was wearing my shirt and Jeans, while the other guy, just went for ma shoes!
All in all, on closer examination, as we stepped out of the lodge,
Everybody know say na external babe waka! And some of ma lodge men don dey hail me! Dey remind me of deir beer tonight And my caretaker, Onyeoma, specifically left me with the words;

“Enyi no come bak here without beer for me or u go sleep outside, woman go kee u! D one wen happen last……..”
I quickly cut in before he exposes me

“onyem! Relax! I go full beer for bucket use am baff u” and a smile spread across his face!

We stepped out, got a bus, and were headed for town!
We got another call Asking where we were!
Hian! Y dese babes dey ginger like dis na!

My imagination kicked in:
U sure say one baba neva tell dese babes to bring “one mc and hin 2friends” for rituals to make first class!
Abeg o!

In another 20 minutes, we were there.
Made a phone call to tell them we were downstairs at the gate. Anybody passing around obviously would know we where strangers.
15 minutes, d babe neva come down
Hian! Women sef! Just from upstairs to gate! Na wa . Na real wa.
At last she came out!

GHEN GHEN

First things first:

See bobby everywhere!
Wat hapin?????

She was wearing one of those things that made it look like the boobies would leave her chest and just jump on you! I was certain those twin goodies had a life of its own and immediately my imaginative brain worked magic giving the monstrous wonders eyes and a smiley face with the phrase “want some?” under it.

To make matters worse, it was as if her parents knew her future from beginning, because she  had been named “Ihuoma” which translated literally means “GOOD FRONT”

She came forth smiling and hugged us well, Beta 360 hug!
No wait let’s make that 360×2=720 degrees because of wetin she kari!    My own hug lasted longer, with a peck and a happy birthday whisper in my ear which made it tingle.

She then led us upstairs, into a room, with a plethora of girls.
Roughly counting with my eyes there were about 12 girls, was not too sure of the number because they kept walking in and out.
I thought that was it, but some of them were making phone calls asking the whereabouts of some more babes!

Kai! I nearly slapped myself! So na wetin my village people nearly make me miss be dis! Chai! Wicked people!

Before u know
Shayo don dey flow
Music don dey blow
Network come be glo! (Lol, can’t a nigga try and rhyme again?)

I looked around we were roughly 12 babes and 6 boys. We were 8 before but 2 of them left, I guess they were not getting enough attention or something because the babes preferred we the foreigners, kinda.

In lightening speed, word got around that today was my birthday, immediately these babes ordered me to the center and Ihuoma instructed every girl there to give me lap dance, all 12 of them sexy, bum short-wearing babes!
This put me in a seriously difficult situation i tell you.
Because in this kind of predicament its difficult for Resurrection not to try and occur. To prevent this I simply thought of what would happen if the trumpet sounded now and there was a girl on my laps and I was transported like that straight to heaven, wetin I wan explain! Say I dey do!

But that did not work completely sha…
I managed to get through the lap dancing with minimally noticed event.
I just took my time before standing up, after the last girl was done. And even when I did, my hands were in my pockets!
U niggas know wat am talkin about na right?

Next, was Truth or Dare. And we had the fun of our life…
No shyness, no paying of money, everybody was just ready to obey.
Choi! It was until I got a phone call that I realized it was almost 8pm, we had to leave.

I still had some people to buy beer for back in school!
I signaled my men! And they reluctantly stood up especially my girlfriend-searching friend, because his “setting P” was going rather nicely.

We said our good bye’s
Hugged them. Collected numbers (before?)
And promised to return again soonest!

You need to see how we were smiling as we passed the gate and headed for the junction were we would catch a keke that would take us home, as it was too late to get a taxi or bus.

We were walking and gisting about our escapades, that we did not notice how deserted the area was. We had almost reached the junction when…

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (now play those slow Nigerian flute tunes they play whenever action iyav want to happen)

I noticed some figures kind of circling us and I instantly knew we where in trouble. The other idiots wey i dey follow waka no even know say anything dey happen. They were just walking and laughing and gisting.
Before we realized what was happening, we had been circled by like 5 guys

e get one inside dem wen be say only him chest big pass 2 of my head…
We were in deep shit!

“hey wey u park there” One of them said in a harsh shrill tone that instantly piped a load of fear into your system.

but we gast form say nothing, but God knows i instantly felt like urinating.

One of my mumu friends upon say e see chest one form hard guy, and he replied ” who una be? to park us”

Jisox!!! See this fool! I wanted to slap him myself.

“you wan know who we be abi? panda!!!! open the book of revelation for these jews”

I swear in my stupid head I expected panda to step forward with a bible and read a passage to us. But when the panda (who by the way looks nothing like a panda) stepped out from the cover of darkness, I knew nothing of that sort was going to happen.

He just walked with calculated steps towards us, and simply lifted his shirt up.

Under that shirt, there was enough to scare you… the knife scars and two guns were enough to put fear in me.

I was almost thinking maybe na even fake guns, when as if to answer my question he brought it out and cocked it!

“Now, accelerate!” he told us!
There’s this funny way guns just sharpen your hearing and understanding. We did not want to be told what that meant.

My “I can be your hero” friend was noticeably very quiet now, and led the pack as we were taken to a kind of bushy area near the junction!

When we got there, we were asked to kneel down.
You need to see the speed with which we obeyed their every command now. One of my guys was forming over obedient and laid down flat, overwhelmed by fear but another of the guys, called “Stone”, gave him a slap I can really refer to as dirty and he realized it was kneel down not lie down!

Their Oga spoke again ” so na una, jew men, come all the way from yonder, to come collect our glory for this kaban”

“hmmmmmm” the others responded. Like we had committed an abomination.

I looked at my guys to see if they understood any of the above

“So, Meat when we dey observe to see if we go chew am… una come, chew am, swallow am, collect our toothpick use clean mouth….kai!!! una don fuck up”

“Absolute fuckup” stone said
“Mega fuckup” Elder added in a higher pitch
“Hyper fuckup” Panda summarized in his shrill lower tone!

One of my guys looked at me and his eyes seemed to add “over f*ckup” as he was shaking visibly!

As he spoke, one of the guys who had earlier left the party surfaced and it became clear to us that we had obviously encroached on their territory and even maybe flirted with one or two girls that they had eyes for… and the fact we came from another school just made it worse.

“panda, Stone, Elder, these men don fuck up pra pra, dem must collect”

“i say dem must collect” he yelled in an even higher pitch than before….

“Collection must be theirs” the others replied in unison

The urine in my bladder became noticeably hotter, I no want collect anything na!

“oya make una empty una pocket”

See speed
Wallet
Phones
Watches
Paper with phone number on it!
Chewing gum in one of the guys pocket!

As we carried out these actions, we were hastened with some serious slaps from all angles!
it seemed as if, this men were trained in the act of slapping properly.

cos wen dem sound u, e go be like secondary school long break bell and the ringing never stops

One of my guys was very chubby and they enjoyed slapping him just for the fun of it and the sounds it made…

Begging and pleading just worsened the whole thing. At a point I kept quiet, and concentrated on making sure I received less of the random slaps.

“stop” the oga screamed
“Adamise these jews”

In a few minutes!
We were stripped down to our boxers!
One of ma guys was wearing those gay pinkish boxers and we all looked at him like oboy wetin be d plan!

Guess he didn’t expect to be naked in front of boys! Sorry for him

Lie down flat! They commanded
And piam! We were on the grass face flat!
To make matters worse I started feeling something like ant climbing my Leg! But them no born me well to check!

“Elder” bring the holy water! Make we baptize these Jews!”
Another slang? I hope they really meant water! this time.
One spirit told me to look up and I saw elder approaching us with this really flat big stick or pako! As we real niggas call it!

I released one drop of piss mein!

The other guy at the extreme did not know what was up until

Poah! It came down
“Mummy!!!!!” He shouted, I nearly laff! See dis one wen dey form Hero before! Mummy ke?
We all got 8 strokes of that!
Frog jumped!
Received slaps and were told to roll over!
Eventually when we were ordered to stand up, one of the guys could not and fell down flat!
But after a few slaps! His knees received strength and he stood firmly! (Somebody shout halleluyah!)

“Now u fingerlings! If I catch una near here again! I go castrate una”

Even if they wouldn’t castrate us
Wetin go kari me come here again!

“Now run away!”
With only boxers?
Ermmm our clothes nko?
I wanted to say, but with panda bringing out his gun
Omo we ran like mad!
And that’s how I lost all my clothes and shoes I gave these foolish boys!

As we came out of the bush!
One guy wey dey waka him own see 3 agile men they run towards am with boxers. I doubt if I was that guy, I would run faster! The guy tear mad race

So there we where, 3 naked men, with over 45mins Journey in front of us.
Every keke that saw us, Increased speed.
We stood there for like 35 minutes before one keke with strong mind stopped and we explained our story. He carried us. The cold that night was immense and to further worsen things, we were stuck in traffic a couple of times, which gave inquisitive Nigerians time to look into a keke with 3 naked young men and come up with theories as to what happened

We stopped by a car once!
With a child pointing to us and saying to his mummy ” see those uncles”

We got home, stopped by the other 2 guys, their place, one sneaked in got money and paid d keke man!
The keke man took me to the front of ma lodge
A distance away sha!
I had to make sure I got in without anyone, especially Onyeoma, seeing me!

I opened d gates, peaked through, made my way past Onyeoma’s room. The lodge was awfully quiet and dark even with the fact there was power!
Got to my room which was the last room on the last floor of my lodge.
Located my spare key, opened my gate, I just wanted to go in, lie down and brood over the events of the day. As I entered the room, took off ma boxers. Turned on the light

I Heard a Loud

“Happy Birthday”

My guys and some babes and even Onyeoma, had actually planned a surprise party for me!
And there I was with just boxers (because I quickly pulled it back up!)
Sandy hair
Red back!
Lost clothes and shoes!
And a foolish expression on my face!

I decided there and then, never to follow the crowd in any decision I make.
And to hate pandas with all I have!

Hope y’all enjoyed this
There’s more here! ALL STORIES

Thanks for the awesome Love on my birthday.
Love you all(Nohomo guys)

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
Steveekeng@Gmail.com
@itsunclestephen
BBM: 7B749FD0
Like me on Facebook here uncle stephen

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38 thoughts on “Happy Birthday

  1. Omo, Stevo!!!! U no go kill me with laugh.. Habba!!! Panda and his book of revelations?? Habba… Hahahahahah … Nice one brother.. Truly one of our greatest MC. Happy birthday bro.. Cheers!!

  2. Kai! This really got me laughing so hard, my face is wet with tears. Uncle Steve, u no go kill me with laffta today oh, Ha! Good one. Happy birthday, may your pen never run out of ink.

  3. I almost rolled out of d chair laughing…always on point.more ink to ur pen.happy birthday,God make u bigger this new year

  4. I am sure Onyeoma is tired of seeing you naked at this point….lol! I was reading this wiv plenty beef (you probably know why) and I wanted to yimu @ the end and say 'it wasnt even funny sef' but you have made that impossible…nice one

  5. *rolling to congo* lmao!!! This is so hilarious..you have done a great job puttn this piece together and i must admit you have ur way with words..really niece piece!*thumbs up* Happy belated birthday bro!

  6. Nice one bro, U're a gifted writer. I tink u should channel dis talent n energy into a project" like writing a novel.. And one more tin, in ur nxt life, dn't tink of being a jew in skool. *wink*

  7. OMG!!!! Stevo you're just a character! See me laughing like a crazy man in d office….especially at your friend in d pink boxers…..seriously wetin be d plan??? lmao!!!! Awesome one Stevo, you know where your future lies, I hope….Cheers! And Happy Birthday!

  8. Breathtakingly hilarious!!! That Panda dude suppose leave those Revelation brothers, go Nollywood, he go must make am. Nice piece bro! Keep it up! Cheers

  9. Stevo…u b fool o! U wan kee pesin wit laf abi? Book of revelation…new one, wil try it out in skul…and d MUMMY!!! part, dats sumtin else…u gat me hyper laffin! U good jor….kudos!

  10. I just came across this and Oh MY!!! I certainly can't wish you a Happy birthday cause its far gone! Who Are You!!?!!! Been a while I laughed so hard!

  11. panda, Stone, Elder, these men don fuck up pra pra, dem must collect”

    “i say dem must collect” he yelled in an even higher pitch than before….

    “Collection must be theirs” the others replied in unison

    The urine in my bladder became noticeably hotter, I no want collect anything na!

    Lmao! I don use laugh disturb †?? whole neighbourhood.

  12. Pingback: HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 | 100% Nigerian Humor

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