Food is Ready

Been a while aint it?….
Yes I missed u too….
And u….
Yes!! All of u….

Let’s get to business……
(Light dims, curtain opens)

It all starts with one of ma friends
He had spent almost two semesters,
Chasing and hunting down dis particular girl,
But no service mein!!!!
She just felt my friend was not good enough for her or maybe something else, because any move he was making was yielding no results….

He took it from all d modern known means,
Down to ancient methods.
writing perfumed letters,folded in a heart shape….
Sending flowers with notes,
Bribing her friends to keep chocolates and various other goodies under her pillow…
Wetin remain sef
Na to stand for her room window for night,
Throw stone…den when she come outside
He begins singing with a romantic band he must have put together
Which of course will be comprised of me and some other junkies….

But as e be say
We no sabi sing and all,
We made sure he stuck to all he had been doing…abeg!! We no want wahala…

Beht Girls eh!!!!
Dat my guy suffer ahn!! Ahn!!.
Phone calls….
Text messages
Recharge cards…which d gal neva accepted instead sef on one ocassion she send am back plus extra ontop….check out na…
Even me sef follow dey compose poems give am.
Inshort let’s just say that it was a collective effort by all of us…
To make sure say….she dey mad?…she must gree joor!!!!

But I must say….
D girl fine sha…
If you see shape eh….choi!!!
She set pass mathset…..
Her English na die….
Few people live after hearing it
Walking step na mental….
Fit put u for yabaLeft….
Smile na heiiiiiiiiiiii smh(shake my head)
Eyes na hypertension
staring @it na @owners risk…
And she come know say she fine…
So d shakara na highest…

Beht eh After months of toasting
Incessant fasting…(cos d idiot don spend most of him money finish…and our money too…)
And Countless praying….
The Lord answered his/our prayer….

Igbo woman’s voice: Umu chineke eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The Lorttt is gooooooodtttt…….
I say the Lordtttt isi gooooodttt ooooo….

She agreed….
And we also found out that she had long been liking him.
She just wanted to make a brova sweat.
Y girls??? Y do y’all do dis??? Just tell me y?

I remember d day our man brought d news
We went to eismann(a prominent bar in school,) to celebrate
Popped drinks,poured on him
People wen see us go think say dem don award us contract…
Smh shey? Yeah we know.

The dating started
My friend was of bestest(allow me pls) behaviour.
Him no wan hear story Say bird born four children nine come die.
And we understood his plight.

His ranking in school also increased…
As per dater of arguably d prettiest gal in skool.

D gal sef she sabi grab attention.
She Holds his hands in school.
gives him pda(public display of affection)
we were so all happy for them
It was all so romantic **brings out handkerchief**
So touching **sniffs**
Now am gettin all emotional and I wanna cry
My man was in love **bursts into tears**


Omo I must mention that d pda dey reach us too.
So yeah!!!! We were happy for him…..
Like really really happy….

Then at last….
She decides to come n spend d night…

Omo mein!!!!
If u see preparation…

Environmental sanitation for d room like say na last saturday of the month…

air freshner: check!!!
Washed white toilets(lmao): check!!
Full generator tank incase nepa misbehave: double check!!!
Ehhmmm lemme see anything else?
U know every na…let’s just say
Our room was ready to receive princess diana

D bike stopped…
She started entering the compound
My friend went out to receive her
See eyes from our lodge people.
And d babe sha sabi handle attention
She first give my man better hug and peck 1st
When she came inside d house, she gave us our own hug too sha without peck though…
But **nodding** dat was over okay for us..

And there we where….
Watching film away and bidding time before we exile…(**winks** u knw hw it works shey? Naughty u )
From nowhere…
an unexpected question came up…
She was like “guys have u eaten”
We first look our man to know whether dis na d exit question
And he was like yes but …..
She cut in and said she wanted to cook…
I think to impress my guy
Cos he was a huge fan of girls that could cook.

Girl fine like dis
Come sabi cook….
No tell me…u tell me…is it not d Lord’s doing?
I was almost tempted to ask her if she had a sister…

She stood up
Went to our stocked up kitchen (we prepare wella for dat side too mein nothing must be left to chance)
And started bringing stuffs out ready to cook…

“One more thing guys pls leave d room I want to surprise y’all”

Her rating in my books was leaving hundred
And entering about 2million….
We all left including our man….

Baba oooooo!!!

All these and more we were hailing d boy
I was lying flat on the ground
Another guy was fanning him
And d last guy was touching his head with our guy’s hand and shouting “master bless me…teach thy servant thy ways that I mayest prosper”
“That withersoever I goest….I shall be a fisher of women…pretty women such as thou art with ….bless me…I pray thee.. o thou great king”

We were sha catching fun….
Laughing and teasing our man
Dancing round him
And salivating already from the aroma of the food we were perceiving
Today na today….

Knock knock
“Guys food is ready”….

She was about to serve the food
But there was not enough drinking water…
And so I ran downstairs to buy some.
Before the woman closed
How many she asked…
Madam gimme 10packs I said….
I reach upstairs back….
Handed over the water
Sat down,comot shirt….sniffed d air….
Dis food go be die

The aroma na die
The arrangement of the food highest…
She served us in trays…
Egusi soup and better hot eba….

I took my time and prayed….
Thanked God for a day like dis
Appreciated him for d food
While rememberin that some can eat but have no food…
Blessed d union of our friends
All d while breathing and taking in the smell of the food….

Oya na leggooooo
I put hand,
Cut the eba….
Roll am to my size…
Rub am for the soup
Then put am for mouth…..

(c’mon na…for uncle stephen story, na em action no go dey?? No nah…)

Something was wrong
My mouth was on fire….
“Uhmmmmmm” I screamed….
“Wetin” d oda of ma friend asked “u neva chop sweet food before stevo? No dey shout like fool”
“Nothing o no vex u chop na…before I finish d sweet food”

Thief boy
Cut very big eba…rub am well well inside d soup
And as e dey hot like dat e put am 4 mouth

“Eiiiiiiii!!!” He screamed…..
“Wetin dey chop na, u sef neva chop sweet food”
“What is it”
d girl asked…
“Nothing o sista nothing” we both chorused
While drinking…a sizeable amout of water..

Omo eh!!!
Everything was wrong with that food
It just did not taste right…
And worst of all e come be like say she karri all d pepper for dis life put inside…
Omo we wia done for…

So there we were
Setting fire to our mouth
Killing our taste buds
Drinking water like mad
And yet hailing the girl for her wonderful culinary skills…

Uhmmmm!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
“How is d food” she would ask
“Fantastic,inshort av neva tasted anything like dis in my life before”
And she was blushing…
I dint understand how a food dat smelt so good ended up like dis…

But we continued eating
Tears filled ma eyes
D girl was laughing and telling her boyfriend how much of a tremendous actór I was
Cos she was interpreting them as tears of joy
Each swallow
Was hard and tough…
D water don dey finish…
So we had to manage it seriously…

Omo mein e wasn’t easy…
Even peppersoup would not have asmuch pepper as dat food dat day
We don manage dey finish am…
And she was like “lemme get u guys more”

Who she wan kill….
I was tempted to lie down on the rug and beg her that it was okay
Dat in whatever way we had wronged her
She should forgive us
Dis was a wrong way to die….

Then it was turn for my friend to eat….
Omo mein…
And him sef neva sabi wassap….
We just had to F him up
And we suggested she feed him…..
Unto romantic things and all….
Mumu boy sef as d gal go kitchen go bring him own
Dey hail us say our sugeestion make sense…
Just a few minutes and dat would change.

Food set…
She wash hand
Cut eba….rub am well for d soup
Mumu open mouth wide….
Dem put am inside
And d reaction was instant….

Uhmmmm!!! Uhmmmm!! Uhmmmm!!!!
“O boy see say ur babe dey cook” I asked,
“Honey dis is wonderful….kai gimme more more please” He replied
Encouraged by this…
She increased the frequency of feeding as well as the size of the balls…..

Each swallow was accompanied with
A praise for d food or “baby gimme more I like how ya feeding me”,
A smile hiding the real feeling.
It was a classic case of fela’s suffering and smiling
Omo my guy eye dey red
And water don almost dey finish
I swear small thing him for don dey cry
And e be like say d eba no dey finish…

We were there enjoying the scene
With our own mouth open…to allow air in and reduce the effect of our peppered lips….

At last d eba finished
And of course na more was not an option…
He just escorted us outside
While d chick cleared up…..
My guy reach d other room lie down for ground
Drink better water….den carry big handfan wan blow him lips comot….

The other of my friend was so pained that he attacked him….
“Shebi u see ur life u for talk say we no want,now see wetin u done do us”
“Shatap der u for talk no”

And it was fire for fire
While I was laffin wit my sour mouth as usual.
Till my friend slowly and sadly went back to other room….

We just lie down,
Open mouth sleep….
Under fan for that matter
Ehn if mosquito like enta our mouth no p
But how we were feeling
Kai…even as I’m writing now my lips and mouth don dey hot….

The next morning
Our mouth pain don reduce
Only for d door to open and we heard her voice saying

“Food is ready guys…u’ll love it”

No way mein…
I had to have an impromptu test that morning
The other guy had to go and see someone important too
And d last guy was really full from the sumptous meal of yesterday…that he would eat later
Leaving our man….
To enjoy the food alone…
No time for risks again……

This taught me that….

1. Sometimes not all that glitters is Gold

2.The way most times to a man’s heart is 2ru his stomach…

3. Most importantly from what ma friend did dat day I realised dat when u really really love someone ur ready to go 2ru pains for that person…. Like eating peppery food and asking for more LoL

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