The Chicken feather

Welcome to Ajegunle.
Famous all over Nigeria
both for breeding talents, and as a place where the people
with the highest survival instincts, reside.

For Most of u who have never been there,
I guess u imagine its one wicked ghetto
with like 5million people living in one compound and all
I assure you its not that bad.
its populated agreed
but not like as seen in movies

And No!!! I don’t live there
before some people will be like ehen!!! I knew it
shatap there
knew what???

I just used to visit from time to time,
Whenever I get tired of staying in lekki where I was raised (**looks around for bad belle dem**)
wetin??
dem no fit raise me for lekki ni?
Ahn ahn

Anyways, whenever I got tired I just went there
stayed with my aunt and cousins. She owned a big bar and restaurant there and I liked staying there cos it helped me see the world from a whole different angle.

one fateful holiday as usual,
I packed my things and went over there to stay for like 3weeks before school resumed
my aunt welcomed me as usual
not just cause she loved seeing me
but I would be an extra helping hand in her business.
And she always liked that.

There I was,
Day three of ma visit there, enjoying helping her, together with my other cousins in the restaurant, serving drinks and food to various characters.
Some of them funny, some sinister, and some just outrageous.
When,
This pretty girl and her friends walked in for kinda like I think a ladies hang out

yes o!!!!!!!!
Girl again ooooooooooooooooo
girl girl girl everytime some bad belle would say……
no homo mein ama write about boys soon.
but yes, girl again
c’mon na
ladies spice up this world
(pls girls berra don’t sing that who runs the world song eh.thanks)
imagine if it was just boys in this world,
then one gay mumu will now be loving me
no freakinnnnnnnnnnnn way in hell

So yes!! a girl stepped in joor as I was saying (before I stopped to answer bad belle dem)
am not going to go into details describing her.
All you should remember is that
1.if am talking about her then she’s pretty fine or fine compared to others who often came around
2.you know that punchline in movies where they say “hei what’s a girl like u doing in a place like this.” if used here it would be totally appropriate.

P setting had to be done sharperly.
even though my aunt who had mostly sons,discouraged us from doing this,
especially while on duty, we na bad guys,
like they say, we run things, things what? ____________ (correct joor. chop knuckle if u filled d blank space correctly)

I went to serve them,
beating my other cousins to the race
I was rather courteous with an accent that was as if they had come to Sheraton to eat.
and guess what,
they were fresh girls too… spoke well (not d normal pidgin english or fake queens english that was normal in these parts)
responded to every of my question,teasing. e.t.c….
they were just very good receptacles of the P I was setting
especially the belle I had my eyes on.

So I continued serving and talking to them,
while my aunt carefully observed me to ensure I was doing exactly and only what I was supposed to be doing.
And whenever she looked away,
I spent a longer time at their table hardening and solidifying the P I was setting
they knew I was not from around there
and sort of liked that fact…

After staying for a while and having a few drinks
wait first o.
like 4 bottles of smirnoff and star with pepper soup
is that a few? Hmmmmmmmmm (thinking)
okay ama stick with a few….
they were about leaving when the girl I had eyes for did something.

she put a paper in between the money they paid with and without wasting time, I put the paper in my pocket before my aunt came
and i handed over the money to her.
Then I retreated to the back, withdrew the paper from my pocket, and read the words

080321567XX CALL ME ASAP. NO DULL YOURSELF

ehn?
Me?
dull? For what na
am like so brightly colored that there is no space for dullness to exist.

My cousins hailed me…
you know how boys roll na
and with much encouragement and all
I called her later that night..

we continued speaking,
and after a while we decided to see at her house on the next friday evening.
since my aunts house was always crowded
and she was staying with friends

Relax na….no dey hot ur blood…
we needed privacy
not for anything evil.
she wanted me to teach her maths
and u know how maths is na…it needs a silent,quiet and lonely environment (**winks**)

Baale street in ajegunle,
thats where she stayed….
if your conversant with ajegunle (everybody now go deny Say dem no know there…smh)
This is like one of the most notorious street in the town.
Fraught with all kinda sorts
gangsters
rapists
murderers
assasins
psychopath
drug dealers
and of course since it had most of this,
it obviously had to have also,
the Jamaican Flag. (cos na only there dat kinda people go dey)

LOL

abeg e no reach like that but at least u get the general image
that street had in our peculiar Nigerian case, the highest amount of igbo sellers
Just in case ur a child and reading this,
igbo is actually a sweet that is wrapped in paper, that adults lick and it makes them happy and they get wings like angels and fly high.
But take my advice, when you grow up,
please
don’t lick it…..

Back to the story (OK pardon me this will be d last time I write that)

I had dressed for my evening frolicking with the girl and as I was passing the street
it was already getting dark,
one young man approached me with a bag
and said “hafa shey na d chicken feather u want?”
chicken feather ke?
“shey na chick,broiler abi layer feather u want”
I swear curiousity got the better part of me (by then I neva know wassap)
plus I liked the whole slang thing.
dis manner of marketing chicken na die, I had to find out ssup.
so to continue the conversation, I told him I wanted the broilers feather (long throat shey,)

Then he said
“ah!!! baba, broiler no dey here o. come make we enta d akute. e bokun for there”
“AKUTE”? I was enjoying the slangs, and for want of more I followed him to a corner and into a shop or so.

That was when I knew what chicken feather was,
omo mein, I had neva seen that amount of weed before in my life.
Curious again I asked (as he was tryna package broiler feather for me)
“but ehn y una dey call am chicken head”
“shuooooooooo” he replied “u no know?”
“no o” I said “na my bros say make I buy am come”
“ah” he replied “u dey kari twenty out of nineteen o”
he continued (with all d ajegunle accent)
“this thing eh if u reason am, u go dey light like chicken feather”
“e go help u dey reason like baba fela, e go dey cool u for hot weather”
“in short baba make I give u promo as na broiler u wan buy”

“take” and he handed me what I guess was a chicks feather
and as he was lookin for lighter so I could try it on

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN
(now seriously I dunno d music I should ask u to play in your head for this part. Just choose a song sha make it action packed anyways)

We heard someone shout from a distance “eke eke eke eke”
another slang again??
but this one obviously was not good cause I saw fear well up in
the poultry farmers eye(lol ehen na as e dey sell chicken feathers).
He quickly discarded and hid the weed and ran out
before I could ask questions, I looked around and saw the pandomonium
everyone was running
no time to ask question I started running too
but I obviously chose the wrong direction.
As I ran straight into the waiting hands of a police officer.

Dayuuuuuuum!!!!!

one two, I was in the bus,
with some other unfortunate 4 guys that had been caught
and we were held there
amidst some rather painful slaps and all.
taiiiii one slap was planted deep into the back of my head.
“Even smally like u too dey sell gbana”
“oga no o please am not one of them” I said in english
thinking that would exonerate me.
but I soon realised that the more I pleaded my innocence
the more the slaps got tougher and more painful
so I learnt the act of silence
and allowed myself to be driven to the station.

Some of us just pass a police station
and we are like yeah that’s a police station
I pray for you dat u neva have cause both to enter it
or sleep in a cell in Jesus Name (aya shout amen)

straight they bundled us in
took the other guys into anoda cell,
and for some reasons kept me at the counter first to write statement
maybe because they felt I would at least know how to write
and I took the pen amidst some slaps too
wait a minute
I swear I think I got close to one million slaps that day.
different hands
different levels of vex
and of particular notice was one officer. Who all through my writing kept saying
“see as him eye sef red, this wan go be their leader”
and another agreed “yes very red eye”
seriously my people
those who know me
I know sometimes I open my eyes too wide
but they are freakin white
plus the light there was poor so how come d red eye talk na
I got some “sapas” (dats d slang for those slaps to the back of your head)
for red eyes
another round was given to me too for writing that I did not do anything
“So ur saying d nigerian police is lying shey?” D officer said
ehen!!! now I remember why it was really painful.
I just barbed my hair before going to see d girl.
Wrong move stephen I continally told myself.

Shirt off
singlet off
watch off
belt off
trouser off (some sapas for delaying as I did that)
shoes off too
and straight they took me into the cell
in only my very clean boxers (Lol, I been dey go parole before na)
I roughly counted with my eyes, 22 million people in the cell.
I guess dat might not be correct
but after taking the number of slaps I had taken,
you would be surprised at how even your name would escape you…

Then I was in the cell
free at last with comrades I thought.
Away from the wicked officers.

I was brought back to reality as I was staring through the bars,
with a thunderous slap and a voice saying to me
“u dey madt, you no go hail capon ni”

choi that slap entered
as I turned around
it became foggy and misty, and in my befuddled mind,
I began seeing chicken feathers floating down, to the ground.
another slap and poof!!!! the chicken feather littered mist,cleared up.
and I saw the capon’s face with his servants.
Two guys just standing and fanning him
like he was the oba of benin.

wait
I almost forgot to describe the cell
sincerely think of your room now
with like 4 times the capacity it can take.
That’s how many we were there
It was seriously oozing (cos there was a corner there dedicated to urine from inmates)
plus sweat, body odor and of course.
giant size mosquitoes who used fork and knife first, to tear your skin
before eventually bringing out their lead pipes to suck out a serious amount of blood from you.
Amazingly also they were adept at evading being killed which seemed like they had training classes for this during the day,
before coming out at night,to do the practicals of the day’s lectures.

“sorry sir” I said “ I dint mean to do that”
The capon looked around and said “na me im stand dey follow talk,” angel he shouted “sensitize this boy for me”
see me mumu,
thinking someone would come and talk to me
I soon realised that here, their synonym for being slapped was “sensitization”
and two sensitization lectures were given to me. Tai!! tai!!!

The capon said again “mafi give this boy 6 plates of isiewu before we begin give am welcome package”
u know somewhere in my head, I was tinkin i would get large plates of isiewu and maybe one or two cold bottles of drink.
U can’t blame a broda for hoping na
As mafi stood up that thought vanished.
cos I realised that isiewu was actually canes.
Mafi read me my rights I swear…. “you have a right to be silent or we go start from begining again”
sorry. I meant to say my rephrased right.
Mafi’s cane was as bad as bar Jesus but I had heard my rights so no talking mein….

“so fine boy like you dey sell chicken too” no sir I said
“so how u take reach here”, I explained and told dem how my aunt sent me on an errand and they caught me….(lies shey, I figured tellin them abt d girl or my curiousity wldn’t help)
they knew my aunty’s shop
ah “dat woman dey play better music na”
“oya dance for us”
dance ke?
Mafi’s cane and some sensitization was all I needed to start.

choi
see me rocking mein
moving to absolutely no music
very energetically for that matter.
winding my waist too (cos someone sensitized me and told me to do that)
while they were laughing and encouraging me with threats.

Galala, suo, makossa,break dance e.t.c wetin I no dance dat day.
all I did was dance as they demanded the dance style,
I either imagined awilo or the prominent artist in that genre was singing to me
and I moved to the imagined sounds.

u won’t believe it sha but for like 2hrs
I was still dancing.
just letting the invisible girl I was dancing with grind me like pepper (yes dat imagination also aided the dance and reduced the slaps)

I did so many things dat night
all part of the “welcome party” for new intakes.
frog jump
I rode bicycle (lawd I hate dt stuff)
did dat sucking ur thumb over ur leg punishment,
fanned the capon for a while too.

as I was doing this,
he shouted stop!!!!!
“oya count one two three”….
“oga abeg sorry na I no be criminal abeg na mistake I take come here”
wrong choice of word. A sensitization scheme and 4 “mafi”nification of my butt.
Propelled me and I started my count

all I know is I was counting till morining
whilst the mosquitoes were killing me and adding rhythm to my numbering with the music they produced as they whizzed past my ear.
and anytime I tried to stop, someone was awake to sensitize me afresh.

Just when I was allowed to stop counting.
After I had counted to about 193,151
and I was zoned to the pissing area of the cell,
I heard an officer, come to the cell and shout “who is stephen”

Hei
Jesus!!!
why me I said in my mind
please father
please
forgive me
i’m your son

I continued praying till the officer came to our cell and I identified myself.
He took me to the counter.
Where I was expecting another round of the madness to continue
but to God be the Glory
My aunty was there with my cousins.
Obviously to bail me.

As I was given my clothes
as I put them on rather painfully
whilst examining the holes mosquitoes had created in my body,
and bumps sensitization had left all over me,

As we were walking to the taxi with my aunty telling me sorry,

two policemen ran towards us shouting “hei bring that boy back”

ok sorry that was what I was imagining would happen as we were leaving.
But no it did not.

After that experience, I understood the saying that curiousity kills d cat
I learnt that some places should just be avoided especially at night
That weed is bad fullstop
And most  importantly after what those inmates did to me that

THE POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND.

Ps: its been a while I went to ajegunle since that incident, and somehow now I hate chickens cos I somehow blame them for my pains that day

Hope this was an interesting read and you Learnt something

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Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
@itsUnclestephen
steveekeng@gmail.com
BBM PIN: 561EBDA8

28 thoughts on “The Chicken feather

  1. Lol….stevo don start again.bt come stevo,u de made 2use my hood? And as if dat wasn't enof a street close by 2?
    And wat s dat i read?….rapist,muderers,thieves,drug dealers…blah blah blah…..UR HEAD DEY SHAKE STEPHEN CHICKEN …lmao

  2. Steve, nice article. You strong sha to survive all that "sensitization" and "mafi-nification" I no envy you bros. Wait first, hope say u still complete ur task unt d babe levels cos na real messup if you no achieve ur aim. Keep it up bro. "Thumbs up"

  3. Uncle steven,sorry o,but na lose if you no enter the girl o.lol Nice article bro.keep it coming,u headn 4 d top.

  4. shiverliciously hilarious. I love diz piece lyk madt. Nd plz uncle steve i nid 2 lick dat sweet coz i want 2 b hai nd lite lyk chikin feda. Dix 1daful

  5. Lmao @ two policemen ran towards us shouting “hei
    bring that boy back”

    Na God save ya behind…….nicely written….twas unpredictable

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  7. Buh for real stephen,?'re so funny L???O????????(=)))????O?????L??.,dis iz d first time in ma life am actually reading ur article,????? ? got ?? laffing ma ass out, ? almost did tho, ? laffd ????? polluted at d same time,d laff come result to cry o,pple come D???????????????? fear,na ucause am o steph.buh sowi sha for d whole slap,its to make ? strong na ????? ready to face more in future lol

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