because of complaints on some quarters,
I rily tried to see if I could write a story that would not have a girl involved in it.
I remembered one,
and I had started penning down my thoughts,
wen something appeared to me.
Till now I don’t really know what it is
it was shiny, with a soft voice
and it said to me
“Stephen, are you writing about boys?” (in British accent )
“yes” I replied
and it asked me “nigga you GAYbriel?” (in American accent)
“no” I answered
and it slapped me, knocked me, tore my paper,
and then gave me a fresh one to write on
Thus this story, cos I could not bear being knocked again
you see all dat story up there
you know why its there shey?
Its just the closest I could come up with to justify my writing another story related to girls
so forgive me if I have sinned
(brings out handkerchief while sobbing)
I just cant hold it……. (breaks into tears) I love girls!!!!!!
heres the koko
I usually advice people against watching Nollywood movies..
cos sometimes they just never depict the real thing.
when I was in secondary school,
all the movies I saw that were set in the university,
all portrayed the pictures of a place,
that was a beehive of girls
or that was like a successful “nne owerri” restaurant
with the girls as the catfish,
and u just came like a customer, in this case with ur money, style and swag,
pointed a fish and it was killed.
so with this picture my people,
I studied hard for my post ume,
scored 310 (yes o you can say what u want dat was my score)
and poof!! I was offered admission.
Into the Federal University of Technology,Owerri.
No delays at all.
My first Disappointment came
when I realized that in my class alone,
we had 230boys and just
u won’t believe it
I took courage in believing it was not same for other departments,
but time cleared all my doubts.
and I soon realised that this was the norm everywhere
more homies than ladies
and as u can imagine, this just made life very hard.
P setting was damn difficult
u needed some serious game to keep a chick
cos immediately u left her alone
another bad sharp guy don fall in dey yan him own.
Forming amongst girls increased astronomically.
even some not so fine ones sef
wen boys say make dem just dey manage sef.
go follow dey give excuses ranging from “i’m busy”, to the height,
where one of ma friends was put on a trial period of 9weeks,
before the wowo girl o (seriously she no too try like dat) could agree….
Boys will be boys
quickly we found a solution to our problems.
We realised that all other schools close to ours had a case,that was the reverse of ours.
Plus the fact that we heard that once u went there,
and they found out u were from our school,
they would lay red carpet for you,
line up and start clapping for you as u made your way,
to the one among them you had finally chosen
I felt some of these things were just fake stories,
concocted by boys to feel fly.
but in time when I saw the kind of fishes,
ranging from fresh titus, to some really sexy sharks,
that were being dragged in by boys who had gone to cast their net on foreign waters,
omo me sef decided that one day
I too must travel and be a great man like udeme in d guiness advert (yeah I know udeme was a pilot not a girl fisherman duh!!!!)
My chance came in 3rd year,
When one of my really pretty cousins
who easily made friends gained admission to
Abia state University.
after a while, she invited me for a party there.
while over hyping me amongst her friends,
and telling me to come with a large net
that would catch various sizes of fishes….
“na wa for u o!!!!!!!!!!” I told her
As I packed my bag ready to go
I made sure to tell everyone
that I too, stephen the great one…..
was going to the land flowing with girls and more girls.
And even promised some boys that I would bring some numbers for them.
And they hailed and encouraged me
Like I was a warrior who had promised I wld go to the evil forest and come back alive.
I was there by about 6pm.
And my cousin came to the junction to pick me up and as we walked into her compound…
I knew it!!!!
it was my village people….
all those evil people….
that made me put my school in Jamb
why didn’t I just fill this school
cos it lived up to what I had expected
girls everywhere with just a few sprinklings of boys
Omo see eyes sizing me up
and I was prepared too na
I dressed d hell outta maself.
eeey!!!! me??? the great fisherman?? Igodo like me?
make I hear say I no set….
She took me into her room with more girls there too
Went out I guess to answer questions from d girls dat had seen me, came back and gave me some good news
that I should get ready for tonight…..
The following happened between 9pm – 11pm [ you go fear 24 now]
dem girls were trooping in
boys too were coming
but compared to the number of girls,
this seemed like a ladies night out….
and in between these I was getting introduced to some hot girls,
with the expected response of “o from FUTO?”
and some winking.
I noticed d difference instantly.
P setting here was by both parties
Not d one sided hardwork needed to be put in, in my school.
It also came to my attention,
that the girls here were wild,
So Omo no dulling
I also had to form bad guy na
Like I had seen and done it all.
And for some reason,girls seem to like d bad boy persona.
Cos a lot of dem were giggling away and enjoyin d washing,
Whilst I was stocking ma phone wit numbers
And pictures to prove I had a good outing,
For folks back @ home…
Note that I was not a bad boy
So it took a lot of effort and acting,
Which I’m good at
To look like a “playur”…(British accent pls)
But it did not stop there
This personality made sure that I drank
And accepted whatever was given to me.
The following occurred between 11pm – 1am
Or better still rocking
Where I came from,…we begged girls to dance
But omo here I cld hardly sit down
I kept bein passed around from babe to babe
Like offering basket and each of dem deposited something into me.
Receiving some serious grinding like fresh pepper.
Ocassionally getting pinned and almost pasted to the wall like crusade poster.
While I was struggling deeply to ensure
that “jnr” stayed down ( down jnr down I said in my head)
Somewhere in between,
They stopped and started truth or dare
And I was always gettin picked
I had alredi decided dat once I got back
I wld apply for a transcript and move to dis skool
This was to be d night of my life till…
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (action time again)
The following happened between 1am and I don’t know sincerly
While d dancing continued,
A really hot and cute girl walked up to me and offered me,
Just incase u did not read ma last story..lemme save u d stress
Weed,igbo,ganja( any other names?)
Instantly I remembered
My last ordeal wit it
And I almost declined, when I noticed it was
Like d whole room had stopped to watch
If d futo bad boy/playur
Would decline d offer…
I guess I could have said no
But stupid me
I did not
I took it and took a drag….
And it seemed every1 continued dancing
She was impressed and continued flirting wit me
While she took a drag
And I took a drag
And mind u dis was my first time….
I thought d effect would be instant
But as I no see anyting
I tot to maself….wtf!!!
She started getting closer
Planted a kiss somewhere beside ma neck
Everyting was gettin dreamy…
she finally kissed me softly
And said I shld take some time and follow her
I allowed her go out
And planned to leave in like 10mins.
To avoid suspicions, I sat down in a chair
watching d party n bidding my time,
My eyes were getting heavier
I closed dem for a few seconds or so I thought.
And I opened dem immediately….
But what I saw was different
I was in an open ground…
Wit lots of people drinking and shouting
And der was a stage….
And a voice announced
“People r u ready!!!!!”
“Yes!!!!!” Dey screamed
And the compere(biko dats mc) continued “bringing on stage
Dis rastaman all d way from naijayria (in jamaican accent)
Put una hands 2geda as we make wielcome…
Steve d rasta!!!!….”
D screaming increased…..I was confused until
I saw myself on stage
Wit some serious rastaman dada…
Dressed in all their clothing….
Holding one seriously huge “chicken feather”
“Poooyaka pooyaka” I heard d rasta me say
“Make I see yaw Raise ya hands inna d air if ya lof reggae musiq”
No bomboclark gon stop us from lighting our ganja
smoke it up high till ya feel ire..
Poomshakalaka to all d evil ones”
Gimme d beats lemme make dem buoys hapi
Wit some musiq…raaaah!!!!
And I heard d beats start
In d regular sequence raggea takes
it was sumfin like,
Nyaka nyaka (just continue dis sequence in ur head n add d regular raggea drumbeats)
And I heard maself sing “ayagayagayagaye”
I did not notice before but der were two backup singers who responded “yagaye yagaye yagaye yagayeyeye”
They were my cousin n d girl who gave me d chicken feather…
“Mama mama no no no no”
And got the same reply from dem gals
I took a drag
Hit ma head wit ma hand
Rolled my dada and scattered it wit my hand
All these wit d crowd screaming “go rasta go rasta”
And den d verse 1 started
“Nuff riespekt to all dem absu geee elz
Dema make a rasta man feel like him wanna fla eye.”
“Yeyeye”( d girls responded)
“O jah I lav dis chiecken fieda…
Just a likkle of it. And I man feel so raaite ye
Nuff riespect 2 all d chiekens
Rasta man lav u
Rasta man need u”
Back to the chorus I continued
“Ayaga yaga yaga ye
And d cheering continued…
D background girls responding to all ma lyrics,
And me singing what I don’t know
I remember somewhere along the line
The cheering got so much
I tore my shirt…
Amidst “go rasta go rasta” screams
Took another drag….
Tore my singlet
Removed my belt
Took another long drag..
“Aaaaahhhh” d scream was defeaning
Unbuttoned my trouser
And let it slide down slowly slowly
Till I took it off.
“How many of y’all like what ya see” I asked
And I started a stupid dance
Was shaking ma booty
While dem girls where tryna touch it…
Whilst jumping around in rasta fashion
This continued for a while,
And den I fell down
Closed my eyes
And when I opened dem
I was wearing only my boxers
And heard a voice over my face say
“Go rasta” and she laughed…
It was morning already.
The room was empty save for ma sister and d chicken feather girl…
“What happened?” I asked
And dey recounted how I made d party rock
With ma weed inspired rasta performance
Why dint u stop me I asked..
“It was too funny we could not resist”… they continued laughing.
As I wiped my eyes.
And as I left the compound later
Amidst shout of pooyaka and go rasta..
That we should Shun peer pressure it gets us into a lot of trouble….
Please please please avoid weed…no good can eva come out of it
Maybe I just might make it in raggae if I tried
(In jamaican accent as I round up)
Hope y’all enjoyed dis likkle piece
And had yaself nuff laffs
God bless naijayria
Rasta man steve love y’all
Pls make sure unu drop me a komment
And share to ya friendz on fiercebook, twitter
And black bierry messienja…
Follow d blog for more inter-riesting stories
And make sure ya check out oda storez on d blag here
Peace out bomboclarke!!!…
Ps;d girl nd I did not just work out..for obvious reasons