The Toasting

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CURTAIN OPENS

Some of us take our humble beginnings for granted. We become so proficient at doing something after years of trying and failing, that we seem to forget how it all started for us.

I remember the first time I asked a girl out. (Omo scratch that, the first time I toasted a girl… it’s oyibo people that ask girls out). This was way back in secondary school.

Peer Pressure is a terrible thing.
I was concentrating on being studious and getting good grades but my brothers and sisters, everyone was busy having a girlfriend.
Even one dude whom we nicknamed Rattus rattus, which is the zoological name for rat, had a girlfriend Kehinde…by the way, he got the nickname because during one of the biology practicals we were asked to bring rats, the rat wey this boy carry come ehn, fit born rabbit

What it is that he told Kehinde to make her his girlfriend, still baffles us till date. But omo Last Last, he had a girlfriend and I didn’t.

I tried to console myself with all these motivational “Slow and steady wins the race”, “the race is not to the swift”, “It is not of him that runneth but of him that the Lord showeth mercy” talk…but no be my village people again, they won’t let that mercy touch me.

Whenever the bell for Short break, Long break or Closing time rang, you could tell who and who had found young love. Their holding of hands, sharing of zobo, strong buns, and the well beloved iya biliki’s ‘babadudu’ as well as buying of ice-cream (better known as Wacol for we real niggas) for each other were obvious signs.

As for me, my own true love at that time was far away in Ghana, in the person of Osei Yaw Ababio, the famous author of the widely used chemistry textbook for secondary schools in my day.

I used to think it was because I was a junior student and maybe the shorts I was wearing was what was hindering my progress but omo this was ss2 na and still no show .

You won’t believe it but one of my friends, even had the audacity to have like 3 babes in all the scarcity, while Ababio was busy telling me about covalent bonding that was not coming to light in my Life.

Don’t sha get me wrong.
I could talk to a girl normally. Teach her any subject she wanted but to open mouth begin yan her the koko eh! That’s when my Chinese ancestors manifest and begin speaking “chin chan cho” via my mouth.

I remember vividly, whenever Mass got to private intentions, which happens after prayer of the faithful, my private intentions were simple and succinct

not like die die sha

Notice how the program is two days after vals day

At a point, I was thinking maybe this whole thing was hereditary and maybe my father had done something to annoy one girl when he was a lot younger and she don swear naked for him first son . Or maybe someone in my family had swindled all these chinko people coming into the country, hence causing Chinese to become my native language when I got to the “yarning the koko” part.

But alas, I was proven wrong by an event.

It was just a normal saturday. My parents had gone for their normal Igbo people meeting, when I heard the doorbell ring.

*tadam*
**tadam tadam tadam**

In my mind I’m like, who be dis one wey no play with toy wen e small. Na my doorbell e wan come use?

I stood up and opened the curtain to see who it was.

Blood of Vic O!!!

I couldn’t believe my eyes.
(In d’banj’s voice) Kokolets, 1, 2 at my door.

My Good Lord had finally done it.
What I was looking for afar had come nigh.
Poof! Like magic, Angels appeared before me, singing and dancing, blowing trumpets and saxophones, to the highest of heavens. Shouting, ‘hosanna! hosanna!!’, while I knelt down and worshipped His name.
I adored Him for his goodness and mercies. I glorifed, praised and exalted. He was the Lord that never failed. The provider for the needy. The Reverend father in church, had preached that the year wouldn’t end without my miracle, and here it was.

Chai!
I flew into my room quickly to change.
Real niggas know that when you are inside your house you should be wearing just boxers and singlet, it helps for cross-ventilation.
Beht real niggas also know that when a lady is coming to the house you need to be well arranged also.

With Immediate alacrity, I put on one of my Christmas shorts. These angels deserved something I reserved only for heavenly beings like them. Entered popsi’s room and sprayed small perfume.
All within 3 seconds. (Yes, if you believe it you can achieve it! Halleluyah somebody!)

I prayed once more not to speak Chinese as I opened the door.
Immediately they saw me, they greeted “Good afternoon, broda!”

In Nigeria our beloved country, “brother” and “brodaaa” are two different things.
This was the first indication that shit was about to hit the fan. If they had broda-zoned me, then problem dey.

I tried to escape quickly
“Hello, fine girls, how are you?”
“Fine SIR” one replied.
This wouldn’t be easy, I told myself.

As if trying to zone me wasn’t enough, the other one said the words that saddened me and broke the camel’s back.

“Please, we are looking for BB”

Now the Million Dollar Question…
Who is BB?
Honestly, if BB was, say, my neighbor upstairs, I would have been Happy. Even if BB was my own popsi say maybe e don tell d girls, “don’t call me daddy Stephen, call me BB baby” I for even happy sef.
But this was just the height.

BB was…
Hmmmmm
E Pain me gaaaan
In short, let’s end this Story here.
This is too embarrassing.
THE END.

Okay let me pity y’all,

You wouldn’t believe it, BB was my younger brother.

Imagine!
My female teacher never even find me come from school even if it’s to tell my parents about my stellar performance in all subjects, make e be say dem count am say woman don come find me.

Imagine my own younger brother!
Small Boy!
Not one, but two mogbono feli feli babes. The colour drained from my face.

I cancelled the hereditary theorem from the cause of my problems. I opened the door for the young ladies, watched as they came in, in all their young sexiness and sat on my father’s seats bought with his hard earned money.

“BB, some girls are looking for you” I said in the sternest of voice I could muster, to convey my unhappiness at this occurrence.

“Oh! Okay broda Stephen, that’s J-girl and Barbie! (“Kai! See umu nwa names!” I said in my heart with my big-brother stern face still on) they are my friends”

“Before? Will they be your mechanics?” I wanted to say. But I quietly contained my ‘Painment’ and walked towards my room.

Another Sight caught my attention.
If you see the big bear hug these girls gave my brother eh! Jesu christi mimo!
If I add all the hugs I have gotten right from when when I was a child- from various loving aunties and Uncles- till now e no go still reach wetin I see.
Kai! I was dead.

 

They say curiosity killed the cat.

It also killed Uncle Stephen that very day…I tried as best as I could to remain within the confines of my room, but alas I just couldn’t.

A voice kept telling me to pass the living room and go to the kitchen to drink water. After minutes of what I would like to assume was resistance, I conceded. As I entered the Sitting Room, I was greeted with loud laughter. The girls were really really laughing and I couldn’t help but notice how their faces had, “I’m really enjoying this BB boy” written over it.

Mogbe!
See, the small boy even bought them malt which they had barely touched because his gist was too interesting to take a break and drink malt.

Pouring that water into the cup must be one of the most painful tasks I have accomplished all my Life. Their voices rose louder and louder in laughter, punctuated with “really?” “like seriously?” and all the other lingo common to ladies at this age. The one that pained me the most was when one of the girls said loudly “Ah! This boy you can whine girls eh!”. The only thing I could whine, was my waist and at that point, I tried to whine it and it felt very stiff.

I went back to my room and tried to lie down and think about the true meaning of life, but somehow I found myself at the sitting room again. As I walked in, the girls were standing up. It seemed they were ready to leave. “We are leaving Uncle, Goodbye brodaaaa” they both chorused as I stepped in. Iyalaya e!!! Is your brother’s Girlfriend that they will call uncle, I cursed in my mind but responded, “Oh! Wonderful, hope you had a nice time?”. “Yes we did” they both replied.
I watched them leave through the curtains in my room and saw them turn by turn, give him that glorious hug again and Ababio appeared on my shoulder to point out that, “Charlie! Dex is wat de be calen covalent bonding”

The “worstest” part of it all was that my younger brother carried on like “izz nothing”. On digging deeper later, I found out that he was the lady’s man in his school while I was Oga at the Top of Lastma in mine.

That night, I even stole the phone popsi bought him last term as a result of making straight A’s in all his subjects to see his text messages. I had aforehand not been interested but after what played out before me today, my interest was piqued. As I went into the toilet and locked the door so I could peruse the content of the phone very well, a text message entered and the phone displayed brightly

MEMORY FULL PLEASE DELETE SOME MESSAGES.

Chineke nna!
The text messages where from different babes o. No kind name I no see there. Jane, Temitope, my angel, Mine, Sweetheart, Chocolate, Baby, Landlord’s daughter.

The most recent messages were from J-girl and Barbie. Individually indicating how much they liked Him and how they enjoyed spending time with him.

To which he replied the same thing to both of them…

“Nothing can feel more heavenly, than spending time with You my Angel. Thanks for coming today”

Even as a guy and his brother, I felt that Line.
(Abi u no feel am too)
And as I looked at other text messages on his phone, I slowly felt my body, being adorned with the LASTma cap, shirt and trousers, and last but not the least an aboki-polished Black shoe.

THAT NIGHT I CHARGED (**INSERT INCREDIBLE HULK SCREAM HERE**)

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

I couldn’t continue like this…
I knew I needed external help and I knew where to get it…..

THE END
WATCH OUT FOR PART TWO
(yes! I know its painful. I’m sorry it’s not you, it’s me)

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The Jazz II

After so Much threats from you Guys…
Here is the sequel to “The Jazz” Read, Laugh n share of course

Read the part 1 here. The Jazz

**Light Dims,Curtain opens,Music plays**

…..I had almost fallen asleep when I was jolted awake by my Phone’s ring tone. It was mummy maths…(lol, no na, I didn’t save her name with mummy). She said she had sent me a picture. That something terrible had happened.
I quickly opened my blackberry messenger, scrolled to her contact and saw the picture she had sent.
I couldn’t believe it!!!

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

It was a picture of her hand.
The same one she had slapped the student with…

IT WAS SWOLLEN…

Whatever molecule of sleep left in my eyes immediately evaporated.
I looked closely to be sure that what I was seeing was real and not a figment of my imaginative head.
On closer observation, it was her hand surely. Her red painted nails, and a mark close to her wrists where she had been injured in one of those little children incidents whilst growing up, were more than enough to lend credence to the fact that this was real.

The pings accompanying the picture were
“Steve! I am dead! just woke up now and saw my hand like this. It must be the jazz. Please, you guys should not go to that school tomorrow. This is real.”

Imagine!!!
Here was a young lady, who hours earlier was venting in the principals office, now humbled to the point of belief in jazz by her swollen hands.

Instantly, the little cartoon-like angel and devil with fork my head curses me with in times like this, appeared beside me and their normal argument ensued thus :

“oh! Stephen, be not afraid, for thou hast the power to trample upon serpent and scorpions, no weapon fashioned against thee shall prosper” quipped the angel

“ogbeni! If u know what is good for you…..you will run for your life….look at your hand it is already swelling up. You want to now go to that school and go and now kill yourself…if you…..”

“listen not to the voice of the black one O my child” the angel interjected “i have not given you the spirit of fear…

“my guy fear and run for your life” the forked devil replied……. “ this is no time for ‘I can be your hero baby’….”

They kept going back and forth with their tantrums. On closer examination of my hand, e come be like say the fingers I use knock the boy come dey swell. From a different angle though, it seemed normal. Maybe this was just my mind playing tricks on me.

I looked at my friend sleeping on the bed oblivious to what was happening, arms stretched out like superman. Mouth wide open like he was being fed in the dream of which he occasionally chewed and swallowed to confirm my theory.
If this one wan begin swell….
na the entire body go swell be that na….because na everywhere him use flog that pikin yesterday.

Sleep eluded me. I constantly monitored my fingers for weight gain.
Every sound, every little movement had a supernatural quality to it.
I was willing myself not to believe it but that picture was too real to disregard.
It is on days like this you have longer nights, shorter days.
Morning refused to come, no matter how much I pleaded.
At last, I finally fell asleep some time close to dawn.

When I woke up, and the bright sunlight pouring into the room ushered me into the realization that it was morning, I couldn’t bring myself to look at my hand.
It certainly felt heavy as I weighed it in my mind….Only God know whether e never big like the Incredible hulk own.

I opened my eye rather slowly.
And guess what?
My hand was….
my hand was…
(in Frank Edoho’s voice)’

If you had said swollen you would have been….

you would have been…
ermm!

You would have been ……..

I say,
if you had chosen swollen

you were….

let’s take this commercial break first……..
(that guy is just mad, steadily giving people high blood pressure)

…Praise Jesus!
My hands were not swollen, plus I received a message from mummy maths that her hand had reduced almost to normal size. It was popular opinion that the swelling must have been as a result of the bite of a particular kind of insect. Anyways, she was going to see the Doctor just to make sure she was alright and would join us later in the day in school.

Whew!
That was a close one.
I felt downcast. I had let fear and stupidity get the better part of me. Abandoned logic and applied reasoning so quickly.

I spotted my NYSC shirt which was all I had to wear because the rain had drenched most of my clothes the previous night (wen fear no let me come outside come bring am inside) and set out for school with my friend, like any other day.

To be honest with you, during the assembly that morning, I was a little uneasy. My friend who was supposed to be most scared if anything was going to happen, was his normal happy self and was making little remarks about the events of that morning. After a while I eased up. I mean if anything was to happen, I guessed they had a change of heart. Even the principal although originally perturbed to see us in school, relaxed as time wore on.

Closing-bell rang and the day which was generally uneventful took a radical turn, a sudden twist, if you may…
We just noticed that most students were scampering in different directions away from an original source of disturbance. Even some of the teachers took retreating steps knowing what was to come.

As the dust cleared, I saw the student in question, who had not come to school all day, coming towards us with one of his brothers. Tall, dark, scruffy looking with enough red clothes and cowrie shells tied around his body to give him the look of a native doctor’s house….

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

Obviously he had been told by his brother, that a master corper had beaten him up the previous day and guess who was wearing corper uniform, with NYSC boldly crested all over my flat chest???
He charged towards me, pointing and saying “shey ohun niyen abi ”(that’s him right?) the only response that could come out of my mouth was a faint plea that I was not the real ohun.
“is not meeeee, am not the ohun” I cried faintly as I retreated away from the charging medicine man.

His brother pointed him in the right direction of my other corper friend, saying in Yoruba that both of us were involved but he was the main person. Before my friend had the time to even stand up for himself, the student brother’s hand had touched his chest, with a finger that had this weird looking ring on it, while exclaiming at the top of his voice, “e je koriko”
I might not have known what that meant but what I saw with my eyes was enough to explain…

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

First, my friend smiled.
You know that classic smile in Nigerian movies when you just ate love portion or when the madness wan start.
It was a wide satisfying smile. The same type I have when I eat ewa-agoyin, bread and cold coke…sorry! Grilled Chicken and Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice… I’m an Ikoyi boy remember?

Then he sat down on the football field and gave meaning to baba’s (herein after referred to as don jazzy, who I suspect is a jazz man by d way, if not why that name? ) earlier incantation.
He picked a handful of grass and shoved it into his mouth, and started chewing.
If na person tell me, I for no believe but seeing is believing.
The worst was that my real guy, my real realest guy, was looking like he was enjoying it.
He had this look on his face like
“oh my sweet grass, where have you been all my life, Thank God I finally found you”
He chewed, spat it out like gum that had lost its sugar, took an even Larger handful and masticated in deeper enjoyment of the act.
It’s hard to explain but my friend looked so happy and made grass look so nutritious, that I was almost tempted to bend down, take some for my self and chew too…
Omo! Who knows na, my brother, if e be say we dey miss since and these cows no want tell us….

Seeing as he had dealt with one of the targets he was here for, he started walking in my direction. But before he got to me, I had been surrounded by Kamoru and his boys.

In every public secondary school, there is always a kingpin. More like the capon if this were a cult. He was deeply feared in the school and also handled matters involving students of his school and others. He receives the letters from other schools’ capon in cases where an inter-school fight was going to happen. Which by the way, more often than not, happens because of a girl. In this school Kamoru was the alagbaara, the man in charge of defending this territory, as could be seen from some marks he had received over the years from fighting.

Their decision to defend me, was more of a territorial infringement thing to them. How could someone just come inside their school and just start threatening their people!

Heated words were exchanged in Yoruba but it did not seem like the ‘Don Jazzy’ was going to retreat. He had obviously come here to show me pepper and there was no going back.

Some teachers stepped in to beg the student’s brother and Kamoru retorted “ ma se be won, o ti poju fu won, won le se nka kan” (dont beg them, its too much for them. They can’t do anything)
In my mind I’m like; dis one haff mad oh! See my guy happily eating grass and you say they can’t do anything???

“You, Kamoru, you don’t fear me abi, because of the small medicine you have learnt abi? I will show u today!”‘Don Jazzy’ said in his Language

Through all their haggling, threats and counter threats, Only one thing was crossing my mind. Who send me come dis place eh! God. Who send me to knock this boy. E don make me join part of the “ohun” people. As I looked at my hand, the little imagined angel appeared on my shoulder and whispered “ if thine hand hath made thee to sin, cut it off”

Kamoru and his guys were in a kind of formation where you had to pass his three boys, then pass him before getting to me. But I did not feel any safer.

In an instant, the young baba charged at Kamoru’s boys and blew a powder in their faces, as he shouted “e sare”. My yoruba was good enough to know that meant “run!” and I was right because the three boys started running in a big circle around my friend, the grass eater.

It was a funny sight to watch but on remembering that I would soon join them maybe somersaulting or frog jumping round them in an even bigger circle, I lost any zeal to laugh.

Kamoru laughed…
Is this one mad? What is funny…
Now, the next act made me believe totally in all them jazz things.
I saw him clearly. I don’t use glasses so I’m sure of what I saw…
I saw him throw his ‘it-was-white’ handkerchief up and somewhere in mid-air, it changed into a knife.
Or for those of us who grew up in the tushed areas of the country what is popularly known as a “lebe”

Voom! He charged for the baba’s chest, before he had any chance to blow any more powder or whatever else he had in stock.
Clearly again, I saw the velocity and anger with which he rammed the lebe into the chest but on retracting, all it succeeded in doing was push the baba to the ground. He stood up, his cloth had been punctured with a little knife hole but there was no injury or any sorta blood flow.

I Died inside!

He stood up, wiped his chest and shouted “ko le woh” (it cant enter)

I saw Kamoru bring out a ring from his pocket while maintaining a focused look on the baba.
That one himself had his hands in his pocket and was muttering some incantations to himself…
Kamoru’s boys were still happily usain bolting around my grass-loving friend
while I the ohun master had hot piss in my bladder, and total belief in the existence of jazz!

As they charged towards each other, the principal materialized from nowhere, came in between them and touched them on their chest.

The next action dumbfounded me….
They both sat down on the ground, and started sucking their thumbs, with apt concentration like newly born kids. Hah!

I Realized there and then, that it was us who were working for the Real Don Baba J himself.
This same principal with almost 3million crucifix in his office and was talking the other day like he couldn’t hurt a fly, na him come jazz both don Jazzy and Kamoru!

Without Saying a word, he went to the running boys and gave them each 3 sapas. (if I have to explain what a sapa is to you, then you’re not a fresh kid at all)

A Sapa, is that kind of slap that they land on your ogo (u don’t know what ogo is too?, oh! dear! Me I can’t help u please(??? ). )

You know all those hot sapas that you have to blow your hand before giving? 3 of it landed on each boy and they regained consciousness.

Obviously my friend’s case was a lot worse because it took 8 sapa’s, 1 abara on his back and two slaps to bring him back to consciousness.

He said some words, as he gave both Kamoru and Don J his finger to kiss. They recovered, and looked momentarily humbled.

He went on to state how he had told them never to bring all their nonsense into his school compound and next time, he wouldn’t take it lightly with anyone who tried this kind of nonsense with him, before marching back to his office.

As he walked,
Don J and Kamoru had “this it’s not over until it is over” look… In my mind I’m like; if I dey here when una dey over the thing, make I die.

To be honest, I packed my bag that night. No be only daddy maths, na nephew economics.
Avoided as much as I could, any contact, with that my guy!
Abeg! No be me go come reach Abeokuta begin chop grass.
Prayed all through my Journey back home as I sat beside this very old man with long white beards who decided to wear a red shirt and promised myself never to come back there, if I made it Home safely…

I got home late at Night and as I walked in, on the roof of the next building was a black cat crying meow meow!
I now knew too much not to assume this was not that baba at my cousins place at orile.

I simply greeted the cat “good evening sir” to which it replied meow!
I went into my room and slept off, happy I had neither eaten grass nor, worse still, all the Understanding Mathematics textbooks in the school…

The End !!!!

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The Jazz

It’s not my fault if I don’t believe in jazz…
I mean for all we freshly raised kids, where would we get the opportunity to see all those kinds of things???
Is it in the alleys, avenues and boulevards of Ikoyi where I was raised that someone would just stay and change to goat?
Those things only happen in all those poor poor areas and y’all know I’m too fresh to have grown up there, right? (I hear some of you saying, ” Uncle u can lie oh!!!”…shut up my friend, that’s what uncles are for)

I spent most of my holidays at Orile with my cousins and there was one “Baba” in the next compound, who they so strongly believed was the black cat we always saw on the kpan (by the way, only we Ikoyi kids will know that this means zinc) of the next compound constantly crying ‘meow meow’ at night.

My argument in this matter was simple:
Firstly,
If you really possessed the ability to change into an animal, please for heaven’s sake, why not change into a Lion or another wicked animal for that matter? Why must it always be snake, cat, goat or worse still, like we see in some movies, a full grown man will decide to change into a tortoise…(kai! Nollywood kwenu!)

Secondly, why the old baba will refuse to sleep and decide that he will use all night to be jumping from roof to roof shouting ‘meow meow’ beats me…

But I love this Country!
I had already resigned to the fact that I would only be a believer any day I experienced this whole jazz thing first hand… and VOOM! My prayers were answered!

I was fortunate to have served in Ogun state, Abeokuta (the state capital) to be precise.
And need I say it was the best year of my life?
Not necessarily because I was posted to a polytechnic where the HOD decided I would lecture some of the introductory computer courses to a class of 650 with over 400 of them being Ladies.

…Some of you are shouting,” HEI !!! ” Why must u always have a corrupt mind eh! Why?
Cant u just lecture and LECture and LECTUre (licks lips) until everyone has been fully LECTURED ??? Can I get an amen somebody…..

This story though is not about my experience while lecturing there…don’t be disappointed, I’ll give you that gist another time.
It was sha tough… awon obinrin will be busy cutting eye and giving you this ‘do you want some of this’ look and sometimes they took it the extra mile by licking their lips.
Agbaya like me, who is supposed to be teaching Introductory computing, will find myself saying something like
“when u want to lick the mouse….sorry! Ermm click the mouse”

The yeye girl will now give a knowing smile like “Ehen! I don catch am!”
At a point if I come class na only one place I dey face before I talk another rubbish and undermine my reputation…

As would be the case, without the intervention of ASUU or ASUP, after months of lecturing the school finally closed for the semester. Students went home and the town became very boring…
Most of my other colleagues worked in secondary schools as moral instruction teachers…. I kid you not…moral instruction oh!… That’s what they gave to one of my very immoral guy at the primary school he was finally able to get as PPA, even with all his afro and freshness.

So, out of boredom, I decided to travel and visit some other parts of the state. I definitely wasn’t going back to Lagos.
After pinging my available friends I went to the park and boarded a bus.

IJEBU-ODE HERE I COME……

Contrary to what you might have heard,
it is a very lovely town
The second Largest after the state capital. I, who was thinking of how deep a village it was going to be, was actually surprised at what I saw when I alighted from the bus at the park. A mini city far from all the underdevelopment associated with villages:
Good roads, street lights in some areas, well built houses… I was like; wow!!! Until I looked at the address I had been sent and realized I had not yet arrived at my destination.

The ping I got stated that I should flag down a bike and it should take me to a place, where I should get another bike to take me to another place, then enter canoe to another place after which I will then take a scooter to another place…gotcha, right? LOOOOL

na me, stephen, dem go send address wey contain enter water I go come carry my big head dey go…
hian!

Anyway…
I took the first bike, and as we progressed inwards, the entire city landscape was swallowed slowly by trees and shrubbery giving birth to a more ‘village like’ ambiance.

I for say! No be NYSC again?
How village go dey and dem go post you go town?
Na their way…

When I eventually arrived at my friend’s house,it was very hard to believe that some kilometers from this place was a thriving town.

I was regaled once more with tales of jazz…They showed me a tree with very ripe mango fruit and a red cloth tied to the middle, claiming that anyone who dared pluck from it would hang there permanently and even my stern belief that all these things where not real, was shaken a little when I saw a goat with a shell tied around its neck and legs giving it this eerie look.

Abegi!
I refused to believe!
but not for long…

I decided to join my guys in going to the public secondary school they had been posted to instead of sitting at home and awaiting their arrival from work. Once in a while, I assisted one of the female corper there, with permission from the principal, in Lecturing mathematics.
As a consequence, in less than three days I earned the name ‘Daddy Maths’.

I realized it was the norm in these western secondary schools…
As a guy you are called Master like, my other friends who taught here, or Mummy if you were female.
I guess I became ‘Daddy’ since I was helping a ‘Mummy’ out with her class.

For those of you questioning why I decided to help her out,
Isn’t it obvious?
I’m a well trained child and I grew up helping my mummy out with stuff!!! (serious face)

Sincerely, teaching in a secondary school is hard. Its like some children swear before the gods of the land in the morning before coming to school, that no matter what you teach and how many times you explain, the gods should help them in making sure that they don’t understand.

I now understand why my mathematics teacher never smiled whenever he taught us. Popular opinion held that it must have been because of his fat wife but I know better now.

Then, there are those little ss2 and ss3 girls that think their class boys are not mature, and so will always want to come to your office for you to explain something that we all know they won’t understand. Meanwhile the boy who was loving them will be getting red-faced with anger whenever they were around you.

I was told one of the corper guys in the school actually got a letter that read :

Dear Master Corper,
plix master corper leaf my kafaya for me…. is me that love her fess before you now come…don’t come and come and now chance me. She say she did not want to do again now but am loved her very much. So I beg u leaf her for me because my heart have break finish. If is you, will you be happy if dey breaking your heart?. Every night. I am seeing her in my dream and I am crying and my mummy is asking me kilonshele? I really really love her and I beg u to leaf her and follow awon mummy corpers.
Tenx in adfans master corper.

Yours Sincerely,
ifemi (that is what she use to call me before you now come and now scatter it)

Obviously, it took about three of the best heads in the school to write the letter for the lover boy, and since they had been told by the mummy corper who took English, that formal letters which are serious letters were ended wit ‘Yours Sincerely’, they obeyed as much to convey the seriousness of their plight.

Every Story has two sides anyways…
There will definitely be the students who dislike you because they think their boo has suddenly reduced the attention they used to get as a result of your arrival. On the other hand, there are those who just naturally adore you and take that whole thing we know about westerners and respect to the next level, by prostrating to greet you wherever they see you outside the school.

Even if dem dey cross main road… dem no mind lie down for centre of the road to greet you… It really felt good to see such respect especially when they see you after school hours and introduce you to their parents who will also look at you with reverence in their eyes… wonderful feeling I tell you. Teaching is indeed a noble profession!

The students generally respect corpers, but as you know, there must be some stubborn ones sent to make life hard for you.
Its like they are sent to repay you for all those times in your own days when you were rude to a teacher… and it can so pain eh!
To see one tiny thing like that disrespecting you. Almost feels like you should remove the blackboard and just flog his head with it… But of course no one would do such a thing. The corpers in the school only resorted to occasional flogging and the ones who did were usually warned by the main teachers themselves to be careful as no one knows who is who…

nonsense!
‘Flog his head out with my left hand!’ was my motto, until e hook me..
.

Mummy maths had decided to take a class and I was left to escort my Guy, to his geography class, instead of sitting in the staff room and moping.
My friend was to teach, ss2d whilst mummy maths was in ss2a handling them on trigonometry.

We were casually passing by ss2a on our way to ss2d, when we noticed something in the class mummy maths was teaching.

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

One of the students at the front had a cane pointed to her backside while she was busy writing on the board.
He was holding the cane from his seat in front and making faces at the rest of the class, as if he was teaching mathematics using her backside as his board.
Every time she turned to face the class, all she saw were the faces of students who were almost exploding with laughter, and the cane in the same position she had kept it.
…We watched from our vantage position the ongoing ridicule, without any of the class members knowing we were observing what was happening…

After a while, we walked into the class and asked the boy to stand up and explain to mummy maths what he had been doing. She was livid after hearing it and gave him a slap, then my friend who already had previous beef with the boy in question for disrupting one of his classes, pounced on him with the cane.

Fia! Fia! Fia! The cane ripped through his body while he was shouting… “ah! master ti kpa mi oh! Ah master ti kpa mi oh!
Ah! Daddy ebami beh master! Ah! Master ma kpa mi oh!
Ah! mummy plixxxxx I did not did it!…I did not did anything…”

Saying he did not do anything, just aggravated my friend the more as he landed more strokes on his body and almost began to punch and slap the boy.
I had to calm him down a little and just as we were about to leave the class together with mummy maths, the boy uttered some words which I translated in the little yoruba I understood to mean “ I will show you people”

Mummy maths and my friend did not understand yoruba. I refused translating it to them because na kill them go just kill am. I went back and gave him a knock on his head and that just increased the volume of his cries amidst some curses he muttered under his breath.

MINUTES LATER

We were summoned to the principal’s office…
The gloomy face he wore almost suggested that maybe the boy had died as a result of the beating.
He asked us to sit down and inquired about what happened…
We all explained the story in as little detail as possible, to make it obvious he had it coming and the class was very very notorious for disrespecting corp members who had dedicated one year of their life to ensure the growth of this children educationally. (**yawns** story!)

To our greatest surprise, the principal was not at all bothered about the fact that we had flogged a student instead he was rather perplexed about who it was that we had flogged.

He explained to us how the boy came from a family of notorious brothers who had also passed through the walls of the same school and had wreaked havoc both physically and via fetish means. In short, it was his opinion that we all stayed away from school the next day or two, till he could resolve the problem for us.

Quoting him verbatim, “ kin sofu e awon omo corpers yi(let me tell you, these corpers), these people have a lot of jazz, and people fear them around here. Their father is a former babalawo and even though he has converted, his children still carry on with his medicine and this their brother is the only one that has made it up to ss2 without dropping out. He is their last hope. I will go and see what I can do about it tomorrow so they don’t jazz you. That is why we usually encourage you corpers to be careful. This is not the city. Things are different here”

HIAN!!!
This jazz talk again?

The principal sounded so convincing… His office had a lot of Jesus posters and christian signs and symbols around it. Yet here he was talking so certainly about jazz.
He deeply believed in these things as evidenced by the look in his eyes.

My Liver been wan dey shake sha until mummy maths was like “Sir! I’m a corper. Government property for that matter. I will not run away from this school because of some silly boy and his tout brothers. You better tell them, that if they try to hurt me by any means they will know who I am. Its not because someone came here to serve that they will be treating us with impunity…nonsense!”

She walked out
Kai See Morale!

I was tempted to make a statement too about who I was and make one of those dramatic exits, when the little angel that usually appears on my shoulder at times like this reminded me that “thou stephen art no one”
I mellowed down and calmly walked out while my other warri friend was gingering about how as a warri boy “one small boy go come make me no come dis school? As as y ? where that one dey happen? Oga mi I dey this school live tomorrow… I cant fit to run”

He rounded off by saying
“No be today nyash begin dey back”
Kai! That exit line make sense last last oh!

On getting home, the argument split two ways; those who believed in these things and advised us not to go to school the next day and the others who actually convinced us to go to school with the mantra being “taaah! Nothing dey happen”

We went in to sleep, and almost from nowhere it started raining with serious thunder just like it happens in Nigerian movies when something bad is about to happen. But omo I shunned it joor.
Must be my mind playing tricks on me. Rain no fit fall again?

I had almost fallen asleep when I was jolted awake by my Phone’s ringtone.
It was mummy maths…
She said she had sent me a picture. That something terrible had happened.
I quickly opened my blackberry, scrolled to her contact and saw the picture she had sent.
I couldn’t believe it…

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

THE END

No Jokes, that’s actually the end.
Wash awt for Part 2, in a few hours though.
Yes! This is the first time I’m doing this. You can tell me how much you Love me in the comments section. 😀

Read the part two here The Jazz 2

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Your Favorite
Uncle Stephen
@itsUncleStephen
BBM PIN: 7B749FD0

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The Flight

The problem with doing something for the first time is that….
Most people,instead of asking questions and getting directions, prefer to form….

Sometimes, its a far better approach, Cos when u ask, niggas end up making u look like an idiot!

For instance,
U meet someone on the road and you are Like “bros, pls which way is so so and so close,”
And he’s like “wen u go front u take the first left….. Not the right o, the first left..u will see one first bank there, abi u know first bank?”
In my mind am Like,No I don’t know first bank… I know 3rd bank…. Nonsense!

I experienced something similar, when I eventually got a Job, and dey decided to take me abroad for training…..
Wooohooooooo!!!!!!! Right?
I pray….
Me wen neva enter plane before…..
My first time come b international flight…
How I wan use do?

Worse still was that, I knew NADA about wat happens in an airport.
I pass by it regularly,but wetin wan kari me go der.. Wen d Young shall grow motors still dey?
N2500 to owerri……
N4000 to abuja…

To make it even “worster” if derz sumfin like dat!
D people preparing me for the Journey just assumed dat as a bad guy! I sabi every..
I could not start falling their hand by asking ’em some foolish questions like
“Bros! How e dey be if d plane wan move…”

The day drew closer with dread and excitement for me….
I mean who no go happy to go abroad?
My parents prayed for me eh!
Rubbed me enuff olive oil, whilst Casting,binding and tearing any evil wen wan stop their pikin from reachin away…
Thank God I don’t barb gorimakpa!
D effect plus d olive oil fit make dem turn me back for airport for “overshining of head”.

The protocol guys took me to the airport, showed me where to check in pointed out to me where I was going to be searched before being allowed to go through, as most asian countries had a death penalty for anyone caught with drugs in their country…

Death ke?
Omo abeg I asked if paracetamol was part of drugs, cos I had a sachet stuffed in my suit pocket!
Yes dats right!!!!! I wore a suit (??? ) ….with jeans sha!
Na wa for u oh!
I gast look like “no be today we don dey travel out na?”
**in american accent**
I been to the states,
Last week I was in the local government, nigga please we do dis shii errytime.

Omo, U need see ma face when dem dey search my bags.
I fear cos I mean, my face no good to show for crime fighters na…
I was hugely relieved when they asked for the next person and I locked ma box!

Walked straight to check-in like say no be today!
Got ma tickets like say no be today!
Walked to the place where the immigration people were like say no be today too..

One woman, looking at me, and deeming me learned in airport activities, even stopped me to ask me for directions somewhere and I directed her like say no be today cos one of the protocol guys had mentioned the place to me earlier….

As I scaled all the immigration brouhaha
And all their “fine boy,na so u wan leave us for this country go? Find us something na, give us some dollars.”
Dollars ke? I just dey go ni

I arrived at the waiting Lounge for departure,
I must note here that Nigerians can form…
My Gad!!!!
Especially babes…
D kind of things dey wear if dem wan travel, for doz of us who it was our first time, u’ll almost think mid way in the air, the pilot will announce “Legoooooo its time for parrie!!!!!!, and all d plane seats will fold backwards giving us space to rock d life outta ourselves”
Guess dat only happens on soul plane abi?

From d miniest of gowns to the make-up omo mehn! At a point even wif all ma suiting up, I felt like they would be angry and either throw me off the plane or make me start serving tea…

A voice came over the p.a and made an announcement…
All of a sudden everyone was getting on their feet and lining up…
Na me 1 carry last?
Nna I lined up too….

It was actually time to board d plane…

See eh!
Even when I was walking to the plane
If person tell u say na ma first time u no go gree…
But as I approached d plane? I saw the air hostesses looking at a particular paper each passenger had and directing them somewhere!
It was when I was almost close I realised they would check ur ticket and motion u in the direction your seat would be.
I quickly retrieved mine.

when the Oyibo hostess looked at my ticket and said “wghygvuyreaspotginthvnedt dis way mr stephen, enjoy ur flight” indicated d direction I was to go to, only God saved me from saying eh!?
Na there I for use fall ma hand cos behind me wia two cuties who must have landed str8 from heaven for d flight

I got to my seat.
They usually keep an earphone with which u can watch movies on d screen, right in front of you, together with a blanket, just incase you get too cold during the journey! Sorry joor flight! Na local be Journey!

I arranged maself.
I came onboard d flight with Just a school bag,containing my Lappy! I stowed it on top of me and settled in my seat!

That’s when I noticed,
Dat all around me, der wasn’t a single black person on the flight…
I mean white people everywhere
I saw some black people pass but none of them settled in any seat around me..
Like say dem say make all d black people go back!
I come dey wonder whether I neva sitdon d wrong place
Now d question na who I go ask?
How I go use ask?
“Sorry, ehm excuse am I supposed to be seating here?”
Chai!

The devil with his little fork and the angel in all his whiteness appeared on ma shoulder like dey usually do In times like dis

“Stevoooooo” d devil said “na so dem go take comot u for dis plane? Afta all man for ur area don hear say u dey travel? My guy jejeje dey go back”

“Stephen, my son, dis seat thou seatest on is thine divine inheritance, from time immemorial, it has been ordained unto thee,be not quick to let it go!”. The angel replied!

To make matters worse,
One oyibo guy came near ma seat and was lookin at it like guy stand up? But den continued on…..
Being a christian,plus all d olive oil dem rub me for house, I decided the seat was my divine inheritance (??? )

I noticed then, dat airplanes had seat belts
I mean, I see it in the movies but real life seat belt,
Everyone was fixing theirs in place
U had to put it round u instead of across u like in cars
And put it inside somewhere and drag it…

Omo! I have never watched people do something more carefully like dat in my life!
Then I picked it up
Crossed it around me waist
And as I was about to put it in I heard

“Mumu no be like dat”

Azzin Oyibo wen dey speak pidgin?

But of course it wasn’t
Twas d stupid devil voice in my head!

“Thou art on the right path” replied the angel!
I wondered why he spoke in KJV na wa….

By now most of the people sitting around me had noticed, I was just holding the seat belt and waiting, omo no time! I took a leap of faith lifted something up and put the other end in… And I heard it click!

**Praiiseeeeeeeee Ye Jesus!
The lord hath redeemed me from all shame
He casteth my enemies away!
He hath uplifted me
He fallest not mine hands in the midst of my enemies!**

I thank God we don’t talk dis way aswear!
Cos niggas would be like
“I solomon son of david son of nathan son of joachim sayest unto thee… Thou art truly a fair maiden”
just to say baby ur fine….bleeeeh!

Back to the matter…
Don’t open and close anythin, attempt to touch ur toes or worse still open dat cavity!

Everyone was turning the screen in front of them on.
I did the same…
It was touch screen with a remote control affixed to the underside of the screen
I mean who doesn’t know how to operate a touch screen right?
The answer to that question dat day was me!

I turned It on,
It showed various options information,communication,entertainment hence d name ICE…
God knows I pressed the big E on the screen indicating entertainment..
Nothing happened…
I looked at my seat partner a white young woman, probably french or so, as she pressed the same E? And it showed her various options!

I pressed it again…NO SHOW
I began to think maybe no be really my seat be dis oh!
Pressed it again! … The E seemed to get bigger and shine brighter like “my guy, bone I no dey show anything”

The lady beside me seeing me in distress,
Stretched her hand and pressed dat same E, d same way I was pressing it, with the same finger I was using and it changed….

I turned, smiled at her dat kain smile when u know say u don fall ur hand.. Am sure I was lookin like a FOOL and said “thanks”
To which she replied “OUI monsieur”
In my mind am like ur father oui! Nonsense (??? ) but I kept smiling nevertheless

Abi the thing don change,
Now na to press am again select the movie I want!
I prayed d Lord’s prayer as I slowly stretched my finger to Life of PI whose trailer was on the screen!

No time to attempt scrolling the list of movies on the side…
To press never work na scrollin wan work?
As I outstretched my finger, it seemed everyone in the plane stopped breathing…
I closed my eyes as my hands impacted the screen…
After like 5seconds or eternity I can’t remember now, I opened my eyes and the movie had started playin!


?(?^?)? (?^?)/ ?(???)? ?(???)?. ?(???)? (~’,’)~

*in Gino’s voice* No be God?

I woke up from my sleep!
Someone had tapped me,

But no fear,
I was still on the plane…
I personally,made sure it was no dream! Because I for too vex for who wake me.
if na wen winsh dey pursue person
Nobody go come wake u!
But anytime u dey dream better ting
Awon werey go come wake person!

My french friend had woken me up
They were about serving food,
Correct!
I remembered seeing a paper that contained what they would be serving inflight!
You could have any drinks you wanted, except champagne which you had to pay for.
I looked at the menu
I was lost!

My brothers n sisters,
Nothing der was close to what we usually had @home… No eba and soup,even d rice der had some funny names beside it! I began doubting if it was another food spelt the same way or it was d same rice I knew!

On looking closely,I realised it was just appetiser first! Looked like tea or something!

The air hostess kept rollin the platform containing the food, stopping seat by seat, inquiring what they wanted.
As they came closer to my seat, my heart began beating faster,and I zoned out.

I was brought back to reality by a voice,
Sonorous voice I must say,
If dem beg u sometin wit dis kind voice u can’t say No
I opened my eyes! They wia beside me
“Tea or Coffee sir?” She inquired
Don’t know why but my first response was coffee!
Thinking it would end there, the next question almost floored me,
“Black or white?”
I hear them ask dis questions in movies but I’ve never bothered to find out which was which
“Black” I responded
“Yes” d devil shouted gleefully!
Oya put d black one for cup na! Make I drink sleep she asked!
“Cream or No cream!”

In my Imagination, I saw her opening a bottle of pears baby Lotion or even revlon lotion and pouring inside, so I abruptly blurted out
No Cream biko!

“Sugar or No sugar!”
Easy right?
I still replied No sugar!
Smh!

They gave me d most bitter cup of liquid I had ever tasted! Even more bitter than the local agbo one of my neighbours oropo used to give me during service at abeokuta.

Na me wan carry last? I took a gulp
And did aaaaaah! Like when u drink cold coke!
The lady beside me asked “nice right?”
“Wonderful” I responded with that same smile from before….

After a time,
They started serving food!
After lookin through the menu and seeing only gibberish! I was wondering what I would do.
Excitement say I dey travel abroad no even gree me chop food for house before I move!

I Looked at that menu again!
Rice with God knows what sauce
Rassma rasmasa an indian special
Fried shit spiced with mess…dey could as well have put that (??? ) cos I no undastand wetin dem dey write there….

They came to my table,
The french woman picked hjedsuwtoppphdeyhnj with vegetables,
And d waitress smiled at her and said “excellent choice”.

The food is usually sealed in a foil
But around it u still have some other stuffs like a cup, some chocolates etc.

D waitress then turned to me and asked “what will you be having sir?”

Hian!
Na me no go make excellent choice?
Abeg gimme d same thing
Their father!!!!!!

She smiled at me.
I think they are taught to do dat now am tinking of it
Am sure if I had said “baba e!!!” in yoruba, Which means ur father,she would have also replied excellent choice!

My french neighbour decided to start with the chocolates….
Me wen hunger wan fire my life
No time I opened the food to reveal what was inside!

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN

Trust me it was rice… D problem was rice and what?
Inside the foil, I saw a whole lotta vegetables,grassy lookin things and one green looking kinda sauce with raw tomato, and a whole lotta things I had never seen before….
Shet!
Me wen dey sabi select food.
I dint even know wia to start from mehn!

I quietly and slowly poured and drank Juice trying to form deep interest in d movie I was watching, all in a bid to allow ma french friend start the eating make I see as them dey do am!

She finished,
And started eating hers
I could see obvious satisfaction on her face…
So me sef bone na!
Packed rice and a lot more grass and tomato and shii.
As it entered my mouth and I attempted chewing,
Instantly, my Imaginations endowed me with horns…
I could literally feel them protruding from the top of my head as I chewed all the grass….
At this point am sure if someone had attempted to insult me and call me a goat, if I tried responding all that would come out from my mouth would be
“Mmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” like a goat!

But I don start na, no be so
I shoved more grass,tomato and rice into my mouth, using the Juice to better the taste, whilst smiling like say I dey chop my favorite ewa-agoyin
The madam beside me, seeing my smile, assumed I was enjoying the meal as she asked “wonderful right?”
I was so pained. Eh! Na u put me for dis wahala indirectly dey ask me wonderful.
I dint know wen I responded “nna gi der”
“Eh?” She said
“Excellent” I replied like those phony air hostesses

I thought the worst was over,
Until few minutes to landing as the P.A announced, I heard a familiar rumbling in my stomach!

GHEN GHEN

My system obviously tailored over the years to understand our normal food was saying “Bros hafa na? wetin be dis wen u give us now, we no want again, abeg take am back”

The rumbling grew louder
I silently prayed no one else was hearing it.
The plane Landed, and I Hurried out although careful to break my fast steps with some slow ones make the thing no fall out

Sharperly Located the airport toilet,
And mehn! I made it Rain!
Varying sounds were emanating from me, simultaneously raising the temperature of the men’s room.
After some 10 mins or so
I breathed the sweet air of freedom (shatap! D toilet wasn’t smelling (??? ) )

Y’all know this feeling right?
Pure BLISS

I had an interconnecting flight to catch in 25 mins or so…
I tidied myself up
Stood up to flush when I encountered another problem…
Where to press to flush!

This Oyibo people
Make normal toilet dem no go gree.
I was left staring at a toilet I dint know where to touch to flush.

(A picture of this toilet is at the end of this post!)

It had an obvious lever to the right dat seemed like dat was it. But I tried it and it did not work.
I just stood there dumbfounded!

There were voiced in d mens room no doubt waiting to see the face of this person who had made so much noise in the toilet.
Not flushing seemed wrong.
Not in this beautiful city.

I stood there wondering what to do
I had resigned to fate and shame and as I closed the Lid, I heard dat familiar flushing sound!

**in testifying ibo woman’s voice**
BredLen join me and thank d rod! because he has savedu me from shame!
T’onu chineke! Eeeeeeee

I walked out to see all the faces looking at me like “oh bros na u?”
In my heart I was like ” he who hath not shitteth,messeth nor produced such sounds from thine hind place before,should cast the first stone”
Nonsense!

15mins later,
I checked into my next 6hours flight now like a pro
Boarded,
Settled into my seat.
Using that toilet had drained me so I just wanted to rest….
I closed my eyes to sleep
And I was awoken with a familiar voice
Another air hostess again
Asking me, sir what will you be having

“Abcdefgh with ijklmno and Juice

Or
Pqrstu with vwxyz and Juice”

In My mind am like You people again?
Once beaten twice shy
Aint having the abc or pqr whatever
No be my career una go kill
Cos if I chop anything again
Release inside this plane
Headline news straight

“Nigerian Humour writer,crashes plane with toxic fumes from his behind”

I looked at her,
“Nne biko give me water eh! Just water
Not black nor white, without cream and without sugar
God bless you!”

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the mystic toilet

the mystic toilet

Happy Birthday

Yay!
Coincidentally, today(27th april), is also my birthday, another awesome year in my awesome existence. So I’ve decided to give something back for all the love y’all been showing me so far.

Here’s a story that happened on one of my birthdays back in school

Ermm, before the light fades do grab a popcorn, sit back relax and enjoy.

Barely a week after the babe in my previous story, MY Oga Down Below , Nearly put me into wahala, I got into trouble again.

I know some of you frequent readers are like; Yes! Mr. Trouble, ashewo! Women would kill you.

I no go kuku argue with una But seriously this time as you read on, you’ll realize it was not close to my fault in anyway at all.

Na where I say make I help friends na em I enter wahala

We had this mad party a week earlier in school, which was an avenue for most of my school boys who, unfortunately with their own hands, wrote Jamb, made high scores and got into a school with a ratio of 7boys to every one girl.

 (I hear the ratio has vastly improved and I just remembered I still have to come back and collect my original certificate and also encourage the ladies in engineering to put in their best **winks**)

Most of my school boys came prepared, especially because the party was to have an overwhelming influx of external chicks.
Boys were obviously ready to collect enough contacts mayne no dulling at all at all.
At the end of the party, the number of contacts each guy acquired, was too much for him, I’m sure. At least if u try all of them, one must work except that baba in your village has said NO.

Of particular interest was one of my guys. The boy don dey skool 400L no babe to show for it. So on dat party day, e no wan hear story say chicken mama born 6pikin 15 die.
He amassed close to 20 phone numbers and even dear old 2go ID’s

Even if na to collect REG no, blood group and any other helpful info, my man dey ready as he came with paper and pen tucked into his back pocket.
Graduating babe-less was a crime punishable by death for him.

one week later,

It was my birthday. I did not really have so much planned out myself. Just rest, sleep, keep receiving happy birthday phone calls and sms till evening, then go out and hang out with my guys and some ladies
This was one year I was so popular that if I tried having a full blown party, I must wreck!
So I just kept it lowkey sufri sufri

Whilst walking home after a stroll, I received a phone call from my man, the one with the phone numbers of all the girls that came for that party, asking for my whereabouts.

“oboy stevo, where you dey? I need your help now now now, I dey your lodge”

HIAN!!!! Help again? “nawa o” i thought

“I dey road, I dey come” I replied
“abeg come sharp sharp sharp only u fit do this thing for me”

**raised eyebrow smiley**
 

This kind of phone call scares the shit outta me. Because I go begin think plenty plenty things
And I have quite a far reaching imagination. “I Hope this is something that makes sense o” I wondered continuously

Dis kain “thing” wen dese boys want make I do for dem! Na wa o!

After about 15mins I got home

una plan am?
See all the Akpo people asking me “What took you that long?”

I trekked na!

Wait First! I had cash on me!
Just felt like stretching my legs ni jare
Don’t tell me you don’t feel like that sometimes too.

Abeg worefa!  (rolling eyes)

As I was saying!
I got home and discovered two of my guys waiting outside my room
Like say I dey owe dem money!
I tried to extract what the problem was
But like all those village elders in Nigerian film, they refused telling me.
Until we were seated in my room and I had brought them fresh palm wine and kolanut.

Of course I dint have kolanut and wine (where i wan see am from na) so they cleared their throats and told me that Tradition forbids that….. ermm!!! Sorry! What am I saying sef…

Mtchewwww ehen! Iyaff remembered

I was deeply worried until they told me what was up

Smh! (Please shake your head too, its worth it)

The way they came e go be like person die
But the issue was something flimsy
Guess what it was?

a)      They wanted to borrow money from me

b)      As Elders, they needed someone to go to the evil forest for them

c)       They wanted a girl’s phone number from me

d)      They wanted us to go hangout somewhere

And as I must have rightly assumed

Most of u picked A or C

Funny enough the answer is E none of the above (and yes! I can do that, I own this blog)
So option E which if you had looked closely you would have seen

THEY CAME TO BORROW CLOTHES N SHOES

The question is, so why the urgency abi?
Why make it look like someone almost died
Another mumu reason!

Dem boys had a date…

It so happened that the two boys had been setting P with some babes they met on that party day
And the babes were giving them suggestive responses.

At long last, my men had gotten an invite to the girls’ house and they wanted to go there looking so fresh and clean.
One needed my black shoe, and the other needed one of my t-shirts to complete their planned fabulous look
and ensure the babes were totally dazzled.

As a real guy is supposed to sometimes, i offered them the chance to wade into my wardrobe, so the boys were busy selecting when one of them got a phone call.

“hei! Vikky” and pointed to me while mouthing “na the babe o”

“we are at a friends place, stevo! The guy that was MC that night!”

(pause)

“yes he is here”

(pause)

“oh okay”  passing the phone to me he said “stevo she wan follow you talk”.

Not to bore you with details of the convo,  she said her and a couple of friends were having an inside room get together and wouldn’t mind meeting me again
after my performance at the show the previous week, they would be very happy if I could come with my friends to town.

Mentioning that today was my birthday, did not help matters, as I spoke to 3 other girls over the phone, all wishing me to come with their torturous sexy voices to come around.

I tried every single excuse i could bring up but at a point she almost made it look like if i was not coming my guys should forget it and of course my guys themselves were looking at me with this pussycat face that was saying “stevo abeg na, do am for us”

hmmmmmmmmm

And I agreed, reluctantly! (please note that)

We dressed up
Sprayed the different perfumes and body sprays we had in different quantities and order to give us unique scents ( its a precision science few people know how to do it..LOL)

One of my guys totally abandoned his own clothes and was wearing my shirt and Jeans, while the other guy, just went for ma shoes!
All in all, on closer examination, as we stepped out of the lodge,
Everybody know say na external babe waka! And some of ma lodge men don dey hail me! Dey remind me of deir beer tonight And my caretaker, Onyeoma, specifically left me with the words;

“Enyi no come bak here without beer for me or u go sleep outside, woman go kee u! D one wen happen last……..”
I quickly cut in before he exposes me

“onyem! Relax! I go full beer for bucket use am baff u” and a smile spread across his face!

We stepped out, got a bus, and were headed for town!
We got another call Asking where we were!
Hian! Y dese babes dey ginger like dis na!

My imagination kicked in:
U sure say one baba neva tell dese babes to bring “one mc and hin 2friends” for rituals to make first class!
Abeg o!

In another 20 minutes, we were there.
Made a phone call to tell them we were downstairs at the gate. Anybody passing around obviously would know we where strangers.
15 minutes, d babe neva come down
Hian! Women sef! Just from upstairs to gate! Na wa . Na real wa.
At last she came out!

GHEN GHEN

First things first:

See bobby everywhere!
Wat hapin?????

She was wearing one of those things that made it look like the boobies would leave her chest and just jump on you! I was certain those twin goodies had a life of its own and immediately my imaginative brain worked magic giving the monstrous wonders eyes and a smiley face with the phrase “want some?” under it.

To make matters worse, it was as if her parents knew her future from beginning, because she  had been named “Ihuoma” which translated literally means “GOOD FRONT”

She came forth smiling and hugged us well, Beta 360 hug!
No wait let’s make that 360×2=720 degrees because of wetin she kari!    My own hug lasted longer, with a peck and a happy birthday whisper in my ear which made it tingle.

She then led us upstairs, into a room, with a plethora of girls.
Roughly counting with my eyes there were about 12 girls, was not too sure of the number because they kept walking in and out.
I thought that was it, but some of them were making phone calls asking the whereabouts of some more babes!

Kai! I nearly slapped myself! So na wetin my village people nearly make me miss be dis! Chai! Wicked people!

Before u know
Shayo don dey flow
Music don dey blow
Network come be glo! (Lol, can’t a nigga try and rhyme again?)

I looked around we were roughly 12 babes and 6 boys. We were 8 before but 2 of them left, I guess they were not getting enough attention or something because the babes preferred we the foreigners, kinda.

In lightening speed, word got around that today was my birthday, immediately these babes ordered me to the center and Ihuoma instructed every girl there to give me lap dance, all 12 of them sexy, bum short-wearing babes!
This put me in a seriously difficult situation i tell you.
Because in this kind of predicament its difficult for Resurrection not to try and occur. To prevent this I simply thought of what would happen if the trumpet sounded now and there was a girl on my laps and I was transported like that straight to heaven, wetin I wan explain! Say I dey do!

But that did not work completely sha…
I managed to get through the lap dancing with minimally noticed event.
I just took my time before standing up, after the last girl was done. And even when I did, my hands were in my pockets!
U niggas know wat am talkin about na right?

Next, was Truth or Dare. And we had the fun of our life…
No shyness, no paying of money, everybody was just ready to obey.
Choi! It was until I got a phone call that I realized it was almost 8pm, we had to leave.

I still had some people to buy beer for back in school!
I signaled my men! And they reluctantly stood up especially my girlfriend-searching friend, because his “setting P” was going rather nicely.

We said our good bye’s
Hugged them. Collected numbers (before?)
And promised to return again soonest!

You need to see how we were smiling as we passed the gate and headed for the junction were we would catch a keke that would take us home, as it was too late to get a taxi or bus.

We were walking and gisting about our escapades, that we did not notice how deserted the area was. We had almost reached the junction when…

GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (now play those slow Nigerian flute tunes they play whenever action iyav want to happen)

I noticed some figures kind of circling us and I instantly knew we where in trouble. The other idiots wey i dey follow waka no even know say anything dey happen. They were just walking and laughing and gisting.
Before we realized what was happening, we had been circled by like 5 guys

e get one inside dem wen be say only him chest big pass 2 of my head…
We were in deep shit!

“hey wey u park there” One of them said in a harsh shrill tone that instantly piped a load of fear into your system.

but we gast form say nothing, but God knows i instantly felt like urinating.

One of my mumu friends upon say e see chest one form hard guy, and he replied ” who una be? to park us”

Jisox!!! See this fool! I wanted to slap him myself.

“you wan know who we be abi? panda!!!! open the book of revelation for these jews”

I swear in my stupid head I expected panda to step forward with a bible and read a passage to us. But when the panda (who by the way looks nothing like a panda) stepped out from the cover of darkness, I knew nothing of that sort was going to happen.

He just walked with calculated steps towards us, and simply lifted his shirt up.

Under that shirt, there was enough to scare you… the knife scars and two guns were enough to put fear in me.

I was almost thinking maybe na even fake guns, when as if to answer my question he brought it out and cocked it!

“Now, accelerate!” he told us!
There’s this funny way guns just sharpen your hearing and understanding. We did not want to be told what that meant.

My “I can be your hero” friend was noticeably very quiet now, and led the pack as we were taken to a kind of bushy area near the junction!

When we got there, we were asked to kneel down.
You need to see the speed with which we obeyed their every command now. One of my guys was forming over obedient and laid down flat, overwhelmed by fear but another of the guys, called “Stone”, gave him a slap I can really refer to as dirty and he realized it was kneel down not lie down!

Their Oga spoke again ” so na una, jew men, come all the way from yonder, to come collect our glory for this kaban”

“hmmmmmm” the others responded. Like we had committed an abomination.

I looked at my guys to see if they understood any of the above

“So, Meat when we dey observe to see if we go chew am… una come, chew am, swallow am, collect our toothpick use clean mouth….kai!!! una don fuck up”

“Absolute fuckup” stone said
“Mega fuckup” Elder added in a higher pitch
“Hyper fuckup” Panda summarized in his shrill lower tone!

One of my guys looked at me and his eyes seemed to add “over f*ckup” as he was shaking visibly!

As he spoke, one of the guys who had earlier left the party surfaced and it became clear to us that we had obviously encroached on their territory and even maybe flirted with one or two girls that they had eyes for… and the fact we came from another school just made it worse.

“panda, Stone, Elder, these men don fuck up pra pra, dem must collect”

“i say dem must collect” he yelled in an even higher pitch than before….

“Collection must be theirs” the others replied in unison

The urine in my bladder became noticeably hotter, I no want collect anything na!

“oya make una empty una pocket”

See speed
Wallet
Phones
Watches
Paper with phone number on it!
Chewing gum in one of the guys pocket!

As we carried out these actions, we were hastened with some serious slaps from all angles!
it seemed as if, this men were trained in the act of slapping properly.

cos wen dem sound u, e go be like secondary school long break bell and the ringing never stops

One of my guys was very chubby and they enjoyed slapping him just for the fun of it and the sounds it made…

Begging and pleading just worsened the whole thing. At a point I kept quiet, and concentrated on making sure I received less of the random slaps.

“stop” the oga screamed
“Adamise these jews”

In a few minutes!
We were stripped down to our boxers!
One of ma guys was wearing those gay pinkish boxers and we all looked at him like oboy wetin be d plan!

Guess he didn’t expect to be naked in front of boys! Sorry for him

Lie down flat! They commanded
And piam! We were on the grass face flat!
To make matters worse I started feeling something like ant climbing my Leg! But them no born me well to check!

“Elder” bring the holy water! Make we baptize these Jews!”
Another slang? I hope they really meant water! this time.
One spirit told me to look up and I saw elder approaching us with this really flat big stick or pako! As we real niggas call it!

I released one drop of piss mein!

The other guy at the extreme did not know what was up until

Poah! It came down
“Mummy!!!!!” He shouted, I nearly laff! See dis one wen dey form Hero before! Mummy ke?
We all got 8 strokes of that!
Frog jumped!
Received slaps and were told to roll over!
Eventually when we were ordered to stand up, one of the guys could not and fell down flat!
But after a few slaps! His knees received strength and he stood firmly! (Somebody shout halleluyah!)

“Now u fingerlings! If I catch una near here again! I go castrate una”

Even if they wouldn’t castrate us
Wetin go kari me come here again!

“Now run away!”
With only boxers?
Ermmm our clothes nko?
I wanted to say, but with panda bringing out his gun
Omo we ran like mad!
And that’s how I lost all my clothes and shoes I gave these foolish boys!

As we came out of the bush!
One guy wey dey waka him own see 3 agile men they run towards am with boxers. I doubt if I was that guy, I would run faster! The guy tear mad race

So there we where, 3 naked men, with over 45mins Journey in front of us.
Every keke that saw us, Increased speed.
We stood there for like 35 minutes before one keke with strong mind stopped and we explained our story. He carried us. The cold that night was immense and to further worsen things, we were stuck in traffic a couple of times, which gave inquisitive Nigerians time to look into a keke with 3 naked young men and come up with theories as to what happened

We stopped by a car once!
With a child pointing to us and saying to his mummy ” see those uncles”

We got home, stopped by the other 2 guys, their place, one sneaked in got money and paid d keke man!
The keke man took me to the front of ma lodge
A distance away sha!
I had to make sure I got in without anyone, especially Onyeoma, seeing me!

I opened d gates, peaked through, made my way past Onyeoma’s room. The lodge was awfully quiet and dark even with the fact there was power!
Got to my room which was the last room on the last floor of my lodge.
Located my spare key, opened my gate, I just wanted to go in, lie down and brood over the events of the day. As I entered the room, took off ma boxers. Turned on the light

I Heard a Loud

“Happy Birthday”

My guys and some babes and even Onyeoma, had actually planned a surprise party for me!
And there I was with just boxers (because I quickly pulled it back up!)
Sandy hair
Red back!
Lost clothes and shoes!
And a foolish expression on my face!

I decided there and then, never to follow the crowd in any decision I make.
And to hate pandas with all I have!

Hope y’all enjoyed this
There’s more here! ALL STORIES

Thanks for the awesome Love on my birthday.
Love you all(Nohomo guys)

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
Steveekeng@Gmail.com
@itsunclestephen
BBM: 7B749FD0
Like me on Facebook here uncle stephen

Share on BBM, Twitter, and Facebook!

My Oga Down Below

I have actually not written in a while not of my own making,
But NYSC is over and I’ve been trekking the streets of Lagos,
Submitting my C.V everywhere possible,
I can bet that even that office where you work has a copy of my CV.
Please, if you come across it,
Kindly inform your Oga at the Top to please
Help your man out.
Thanks and God bless

Anyways as usual my story goes way back
(Nollywood classic olden days flute begins to play)
To a time in the university, when I was popularly known as MC Stevo, and ma phone always used to ring with calls to anchor shows.

I had gotten a phone call from an upcoming crew in school,to anchor their clothing line Launch party.
The party was making headlines in the entire school,Cos the concept and mouth wen the boys put inside the thing plenty gaan.
Very Few red carpet parties where holding in school, and this was going to be the first of its kind,
With the Glitz and glamour of paparazzi and models.

They even went through a hellova time selecting the red carpet anchors.
Me sef, wen go anchor the main event, dem book hotel room for me
And even gave me their custom T-shirts, that I would have to wear that day.
Nice….

Mobilization and publicity, na die.
I got phone calls from female friends in neighboring schools,
Who told me they had been invited and would be around for the party.
Omo mein, all in all this was going to be a blast. I had to be on my best.

No time the D-Day reached.
Rain started falling
Rain fall fall fall fall ooooooooooooooooooooo
We begin fear.
Party wen suppose start by 6pm
Delay till about 8pm
But I like young people.
That rain was on its own
The general mindset was one of:
If thunder like make e dey strike inside the party venue
E go dey fire us as we dey rock.
We must dey there…..
As they still trooped in, in their numbers

If you see crowd eh! Jisox!!!
My Horny school boys can’t fit to dull
When dem don hear say convoy of babes dey come from all the neighboring schools
And with 1:7 Girl Boy ratio in my school,
This was that sea of babes,
A lot of boys had been praying would flow through the school
So they could cast their Setting P nets to catch their kote, Titus, Croker or whatever kind of fishes the Sea goddess would bless them with today.

The babes,
Both the Internal and External ones….them no gree at all
The designers of all this their millimini gowns eh! Only god go judge them
Ahn ahn!
Den they wee now wear all these tops with bra’s wen go come package the bobby like can coke
Choi!!!!!!
Men go dey look mineral dem no fit drink…. #sad.

But all in all you get the general idea,
The Red carpet started in earnest and all of a sudden,
It Seemed everybody just returned from jand, see accent everywhere.
(nodding)Dat one sef dey.

In an hour it was my turn to coordinate things
I was introduced to the crowd,
Amidst cheers and girls tearing their shirt and throwing undies at me
And begging me to sign in hinterland places on their bodies (“stevo sign here sign here please”)
Yeah!! I know bad belle! Na lie! Mtchewwww
But trust me people shout sha

I got on stage,
Looked at the crowd,
Choi! See babes everywhere….. I mean there were boys there too but c’mon na
Na the babes a straight nigga like me go see na

I gave the best Performance of my Life that Night
Cracked all the joke for this life
One babe fell down from her seat and was clutching her stomach
And for my mind am like “correct!!!! Market dey move”.
The event was going well
But you know boys na
Anything wen dey happen for party no be their concern
Only one section concerns them

DANCE DANCE DANCE

I kept the atmosphere alive, buoyed and prepped the girls
For the defining moment of the party
Even taunted them, that they could not handle the boys here….
All the taunting suppose be play o
Until I see babes they shift seats go side dey clear space for dance dance dance
Chineke!!!!!

Sharperly Dance Dance dance started
Choi!!
The babes were on fire
Very minimal forming, and since they greatly outnumbered the boys and were from another school.
I guess they travelled down to just give it hot to my school boys
See rocking everywhere….

Normally,
I have a system, a principle of sort.
Whenever I anchor an event like this and it goes very well
I usually just sit at a corner and watch the dance dance happen
Whilst sipping something, since it is a personal rule for me not to drink on the job
But omo today, that principle na for my pocket
These girls carry me
“ehen! Mc make I rock u small” na wetin u go hear
And before u know, person wen say e wan rock me “small”
don hook me for wall, dey grind me like fresh pepper….
And like say na wrestling, before 5mins another one wearing a far shorter gown
Than whoever I was dancing with before go shake the other one hand, enter the grinding ring.

E no easy o
When you’re under such enormous amount of rocking induced duress,
It’s difficult to tell your Oga down below not to react
It all of a sudden starts pointing upwards
And if the source is not removed quickly everyone would see it happen.

One babe wan rock my soul sotay
Reaction bin wan start
I had to be thinking of our savior.
How he was flooged, how he was crucified, how he cried, how he took my sins away
Even dey hum sober Christian music for my head if it will allow my oga to remain at his normal place.
And seriously it works. Tested and trusted. You can try it.

At a point I could not take it anymore I wrested myself off the hands of the current grinding machine and made towards the door slowly,
Blending in with the crowd and hoping no one would catch me again
I needed to rest mein, I was exhausted and needed a drink
I don almost reach the door
When I heard “steve are you leaving, we’ve not danced na”
I wanted to turn and rudely reject the dance offer
When I turned back and saw

Jisox!!!!!!!
The girl set abeg
Mapoyakakak talalala mfrinto ( yes! E reach to speak in tongues)
Her eyes were just out of this world

Very pretty young lady like this, clad in of course a microMINI gown
Nice curves, and just forget mein the girl make sense
How me, wen bin wan vex before begin smile, I still cant fathom
But I managed to explain to her that I wanted to go for a drink
And that she should join me.
She put her hands inside my own and as we dey waka e dey like I win world cup

To cut Long story short
I was flirting with the girl
And she was flirting back
We did not return inside the party hall
Dis one wen I dey for outside here pass whatever I could get in there.

1-2 buckle my shoe d babe don dey my Lap
We just dey talk funny, dey laugh, drink don dey enta eye….

Normally, I don’t pick up girls too from a show based on principle
But this particular night, I was like omo mein let me just go with the flow and
Before I know, we don dey waka go the room wen doz organizer boys book for me
And as I put my hand inside my pocket to bring out the keys
I couldn’t find it
I cursed out Loud because I knew what had happened

During all the grinding one of the organizer boys asked for my key under the guise that
He wanted to safeguard something in my room
And me wen dem don collect all ma sense with rocking
I just free the sharp guy key
Now he was in there, blocking dis my paroles
Guess tonight was not my night.

So na so we dey o,
Entered inside for some small rocking
Came out went to one corner of the venue and sat there
Sha sha I stole some kisses
And since we could not proceed any further we exchanged phone no’s
In the hope of continuing in a much more conducive atmosphere **winks**

I had the feeling all that happened that night could be blamed on the alcohol
But with the way we continued flowing over the phone, and with a promise that
She would visit the next weekend….
I sha was hopeful…..

Friday The next week: The Deal Day
She arrived safely in the evening….
We went to eismann fries to hang out with my guys
Amidst them teasing me about how this night na die
“Stevo the man for the job”
“Stevo the great fisherman”
“Stevo, Mr. all night Long”
“Stevo the Oga at the top”
(lol they did not say that obviously…..)
Give or take in a few hours…
We were prepared to go home
I noticed she did not drink much that night sha…..
But anyway na way…….

We got home….

(GHEN GHEN)

Na me first enter go baff
Cleanse maself in preparation for the ceremony ahead
Came out looking all fresh and clean
By then too she had unloaded all those their bags them dey kari come….
Entered the bathroom too to have her bath
Me just lie down for bed as a gentleman turn face the other side
Make e no dey like I dey rush sha…….lol!

I Had entered the bathroom after Stephen had got out
I peeped through a hole in the bathroom door
There he was on the bed
All smiles, and spread out in anticipation of a great night ahead
I still had not decided if to fufill his dreams or just outrightly dull him.
I took my time to undress
Showered for what seemed ages until I knew he would start getting uneasy
With the amount of drinks and dancing tonight
It would be expected that fatigue would get to him with all this my time wasting in the bathroom
But once more I looked through the door
And he was eyes were wide opened like those lions in NATGEOWILD wating for their prey.
At a point he could not bear it anymore and he called “honey are u okay, in there”
I just reeled in laughter….kai! boys eh!
I must suffer him a little……

Which kain dirty baff dis girl dey baff sef
She dey wash trailer?
Make she do come outside na……..
Hope she’s sha not dead
“Honey are u okay in there” I asked
And her lovely voice responded “all correct sir”

SHE STEPPED OUT!!!!
Lets first start from the fragrance dat filled the air
Gave my room this kind of dreamy feel, like I was in a fantasy
And then on to the nightie
No need to describe am my people, just know that It was intended to cause maximum brain injury
It took me a lot to comport myself aswear
Cause at a point my mouth was open

U need to See how he was looking at me with open mouth
I had achieved my intentions
Tempt the hell out of this boy
Stars, where beginning to build up in his eyes, different fantasies of the would-be tonight
I had my own plans for him too though
So I quietly went to the bed
Laid down beside him and faced him encouraging him to say
The exact words I knew he would say

“wow your beautiful” I said to her
And she smiled with those her beautiful eyes dimming a little
In acknowledgment of the compliment
“thanks” she said, “but did you really think so before now?”
Ehen! Babes, dey can like dis thing eh! See question
I had to pick my words carefully,
I had to combine the right amount of water and bimbo detergent to ensure the washing was successful
“of course, I have always known so, but you see it seems like the perfect thing to say this moment.
looking you in your sparkling and enchanting eyes and having you this close to me,Just makes me want to say it over and over again all night long”

Shebi u sef feel that line na…….. (hi five joor, she dey craze drycleaner like me? She never see washing)

“Wait so this is the pefect time? Or is it just because I’m lying on your bed in a nightie?”
if you see the big spit wen I swallow, am sure she noticed, dis girl wan make life hard sha.. WTF mehn!
“ I actually think it’s the perfect time cos dat day at the show my tots wia not so organized and stuff
But now I’m beholding you again, I just had to voice it out, that’s what make this time a perfect time
(I say make I switch topic sharperly) and about the nightie
I really really like it, it’s really cute on you”

Wen I think say e don finish she cleared her throat and was like
“oh! So it’s the nightie you like not me eh?”
Now this was just outrightly annoying
I go begin write jamb again after I don get admission?
But all week over the phone before coming here
Na she dey ginger my spirit since, so why this kind of dulling all of a sudden
Anyways this is the drill I just gast follow through

“c’mon now honey, the only reason I even remotely like the nightie is because you are wearing it
Am sure it would be far less admirable if someone else not as beautiful as you are did wear it, I like you a lot
, plenty, much,numerously,uncountably, you’ve been at the center of my thoughts all week and every single day has been counting down to
This day when I’ll eventually see you. I’m happy you are here, so I can get to know you better and understand why I’m falling
For you the way I am.”

(abeg try clap for me, abeg! I suppose open church see preaching…. If that one no work
Then obviously my village people are at work again, or what do u think…abi?)

She went silent and just kept looking at me for about 5mins and I was wondering what she was thinking
The washing work abi e no work…………

Stephen, very funny boy
I could see the rising frustration on his face with each of my questions
Am sure if not for God he would have maybe broken my head…..LOL
But he was just a gentleman, responding to every single one of my questions
In that sweet way that makes a girl feel like the entire 9planets revolve around her…
I saw the way his eyes looked longingly at my nightie
I had chosen this one out especially…cos of its tantalizing effect
After his response to my nightie question, with that long poetic line
I kept a straight face and just kept looking straight at him….
LWKMD4H
He struggled to maintain a straight face, but I could obviously see the
“abeg wetin dis girl dey think sef” thought showing occasionally on his face….
This was a true test of patience……
I wanted to see how far he could go.
After about 5mins I smiled…..

5mins later she smiled
And said “that was just so sweet”
I took the cue to mean that was a go ahead…..
I moved a little closer and continued saying plenty other sweet sweet things
Abi na sweet things she want…… she must get diabetes this night…
She kept up with the smile…..
And I kept inching closer aiming for that kiss….**winks**

Small small
D distance between the lips don dey reduce
Den I angled my face a little ready to dive into the kiss….
And just as my lips landed on her face
she moved back a little and said
“steve your rushing things, slow down a little,like you said, tonight lets get to know each other better at least before anything happens”

S M. H

“I know most boys are football fans, so what is your favourite club?”

No way!
No no no
This was a deliberate attempt….this girl know wetin she dey do….
She wan frustrate my life…… but Tufia! Dat aint happening
Long story short I was a nice guy
No rushing for this life
My middle name na patience
I kept answering her….. “ I like Chelsea and u?” (although no be with my mind I ansa dat question oh..LOL)

Favourite Club?
Wia did I think of that sef…..but dat was enough to test his patience
D boy don tire for me by now
But he kept answering questions……
Although with obvious frustration sha
I decided to end his suffering temporarily sha!
I held his face and gave him a kiss at the point he was answering what his best food was…..

Well I don’t really have a best food my best food is………….
Omo see kiss!! Chileke! I wanted to pause and wonder for a minute why the kiss was comin now
But mein no time to check time
I mean, I can wonder very very well when we are done with every….
The girl lips soft abeg
Slowly I carry my hand go back, while opening one of my eyes to see if she go wan move back
But she held me tighter……choi! See Jackpot oh!
My hand began to move places
Begin dey grab, dey touch things, dey kiss things, dey turn up and down
One minute I dey up
Next one I dey down
I just dey everywhere….east, west, north and especially south…….
Nightie don dey short more more……..
With no single resistance from her own end……
Nightie off, my boxers in an unknown location in the room, given the force I flung It away with
When the thing don dey wan turn obstruction to my happiness…lol
So in a few minutes….. na adam and eve na him dey d room
Everything was heading towards **coughs**
When all of a sudden……

The real….
GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (ACTION time must dey my story na!!! I dey mad?)

BAD BOY, Stephen
he was in full control of the situation and I was merely at his mercy enjoying every bit of it
turning me left and right
probing and prying delicate areas of my body
letting throes of passionate sounds escape my mouth.

it Was all goin well till I was losing my breath a little
I tried to adjust myself a little but still…..
I could not breathe properly…..
I think I knew what was happening……
After almost months of it not surfacing?
I was having another asthma attack

She started coughing, and wheezing,
The devil in me was like abi dis girl don start again
C’mon na not at this point wen my oga don ready to log in into the nscdc website
But on closer examination of her face….
I saw the genuine and intense struggle to take in air……
Her breathing became faster and more labored
Panic struck me as I quickly realized this was an asthma attack…

Whatever medical knowledge I had in me was coming to light
Cos if this girl die here…….
Newspaper will read

“student kills student with nothing but love making”

Nobody go hear say, we neva even start anything……
So my priority here was to ensure she stayed alive
I quickly opened all my windows and doors to ensure there was enough air in the room
And I proceeded to search her bag for an inhaler…..
But as I was doin that, the labored look on her face told me the obvious
Which was that she did not have one as she had not expected it to happen

KAI I DON DIE…..so dis is how I went to prison finally…..
Because of rubbish
My oga below dropped instantly
Panic seized me, she was now seriously gasping for air
And in all my adamic nature, I was confused as to what to do next
When I remembered that the caretaker of our lodge…. ONYEOMA…

He Was a go to person…. He lived in- house…at the lowest floor while I lived at the topmost floor
Of the lodge…… he just had this funny way of having whatever you needed at hand.
Boys in d lodge used to tease him dat if someone wanted a human head….onyeoma must have
And so I was just convinced he would have an inhaler….
So with my ordinary nyash because I was too confused to even find my boxers
And my lodgemates seein me naked as against a dying girl…. My choice was obvious
I dashed out, flying steps in a bid to get to onyeoma’s room before the girl died….

I don comot say make I piss!….. na y i no dey like to drink star…piss piss every minute….
Even for this midnight….. I know knw d fool wen still dey play dis kain loud music
Abi if I go there now go talk….dem go say ONYEOMA wahala too much…..
As I comot for my door…. I hear person dey run come from upstairs…..
All dis foolish boys for dis lodge only God know wia dem dey run dey go…..
I waka go near the step say make I see who be that….wen I see one naked mad man dey run wan come catch me….
Chileke!
I tear race……… dey run go my room
As I dey run, the mad man dey call my name…..dey talk say onyeoma onyeoma no fear na me…..
Na you who? No time to ask, na make I reach my room carry my cutlass, scatter him head be my own
As I enter my room…… wan go where my cutlass dey…d mad man dive me come hold ma hand…..
Heiiiiiiii!!!! I shout

As I got close to the step I saw onyeoma and he took off
Wouldn’t blame him, much , with darkness and a young naked man running towards you,
We would all have the same general reflex response
I chased him immediately towards his room
Flew at him, grabbed his hands and managed to muffle the scream he was about to let out….plus whoever was playing the loud music also helped my case!
I calmed him down….. and managed to explain my predicament to him……
He could not stop Laughing… after he realized what had happened….
So you wan use dis ting he said pointing towards my down below kee d girl abi…..
“onyeoma abeg we go laugh later….just give me inhaler abeg or follow me go upstairs”

Just like I thought…..
He had an inhaler
What he was keeping one for I still don’t know
But long and short of it,
We both went upstairs, the babe was almost immobile when we got there
Or so she looked because I was panic stricken…..
Onyeoma took over from there…..
His eyes widened as he looked at her body, he turned and looked at me too as if to say “kai so na wetin u wan enjoy b4 devil punish u be dis? “
He started Applying the inhaler, and generally helping her recover
He was so good at it….
I just sat at one corner……. Watching the proceedings and praying that she recovered

After some minutes,
She slept off….
Onyeoma left me with the inhaler, some good laughs, and a promise not to tell anyone….
Even while she was sleeping
My mind no dey at rest at all
Once in a while during the night because I could not sleep
I go still go check her body, see whether she dey breathe….
Morning no gree come…
We come get longer night shorter day……

When she woke up,
The next morning
She was looking better and as if nothing happened
But omo mein….once beaten hundred times shy….
I managed to convince her to go home and see a doctor
Since she said it had not happened in a while……….
The girl no wan go sha
Dey form she wanna spend time with me………
The devil is a liar…abi una know……

She left……
I laid on my bed….
Thinking of what would have been
Thinking of how I would have been an ex-convict
Thinking of how na so all my engineering pursuit for end…..
Thanking God for saving my life
For his goodness and mercies
Promising myself never to bring a girl home again ( eh! I know say na wash….but relax na part of the thinking process)
Whew!
Close shave
And while I was thinking of all this things
An sms entered my phone, it was from her
It read

“Stephen, am really sorry, about how things went yesterday night, your a really cool guy and I like you a lot,
Your funny and wonderful to be with…its just unfortunate things went the way they went last night….. I promise
Next weekend I’ll come over and I’ll make it up to you….cross my heart…..TCCIC xoXO”

Hian
see me see wahala o
We dey talk d one wen happen d babe dey cross heart say she go do another one…..
This my village people sef eh! They were hell bent on ruining me…..
I kept looking at the phone
And all I could think of was “the devil is a liar” not again mein not again…..
Baby better uncross that your heart.
Cos if I try it again, the newspaper headline would be something like

“Student kills fellow student with his Oga Down Below”

Dazall

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Uncle Stephen
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