Bar-Jesus

This story is a religious story,
aimed at getting you to repent,
aimed at making you to turn your life around
aimed at……..

alright issokay don’t worry don’t runaway and stop reading, ama leave ma preaching for another day.

Gather round,
closer closer, form a big circle…..like my mothers cooking pot (yea!! she has really big pots)
now hold hands….

STORY STORY!!!! (hope u shouted story!!!)
for benefit of doubt for all you stubborn ones

STORY STORY!!! (holds ear to listen)
good response all of you
and before I continue
hei you there!!! Jnr …..stop touching her, I said hold hands only……
Jnr: Am sorry Uncle Stephen
all right your forgiven….

The gist is as follows…….

Where you ever in that class that just always used to commit….
That class where if you don’t get flogged in a day, its just abnormal
and sometimes when that happens,
you just take a cane and flog yourself so your day can be complete ( I swear we used to feel like that sometimes)

Welcome to ss2d
our motto was don’t panic stand firm
and it was engraved right there on the board, for all to see and meditate on (LOL, na so)
Our crimes ranged from noise making (normal na)
to organizing a garri carnival and littering the entire class
to organizing valentine party at a friends house after school.
And top of our mischievous list,
giving the most despised girl in the class (cos she was the snitch) lacasera.

How is that bad you say,
well it was actually urine
and the long throat girl had gulped a lot of it before she even realized wassap (ewwwww!!!!)

Well it was fun all in all.
getting flogged, “chesting” the cane for some (slangs sef, what does it mean to chest cane)
laughing at those who cried.
and all in all telling the school to bring it on….cos no teachers cane scared us anymore.

In spartan-like voice,
we where shouting
“is there no one else” “is there no one else” [lol]

And as the devil wanted to punish us….
someone else came

We had this English teacher, fine sexy, and greatly endowed woman.
who we where always happy when she was writing on the board.
cos though she taught English, we were understanding biology as she was moving around the board ( u get the idea shey, **winks** naughty you).

Miss Cecelia was her name how can I forget na, plus I think she had a crush on me
she was always asking me questions and particular about me doing well in English.
abegi, crush ko, smash ni
it was secondary school na, as much as the girl writing on your notebook was enough to send some of us to upendi….

Anyways there she was,
doing her job and writing for us to copy
and there we where admiring how well she did her job….. (from behind…lol)

When
All of a sudden, someone who would have done a better job if she was a teacher passed the class…
mein…
the shift of attention was sudden and noticeable.
and it was like she knew what was happening cos she was walking slowly,
like when your playing a movie in slow motion

Damn!!!
This Girl was fine….
I think she was a new student or something
and boy was she endowed…..
if there was like a school of endowment
our English teacher who we would have been a professor was automatically demoted
and this girl was so so up there in the ranks of either guru or I don’t know mein!!!
the girl carry abeg…….

Boys will be Boys You know….
someone couldn’t take it anymore and he whistled
and another seconded his motion by shouting “blood of God”….
and we all ruptured in laughter…
leaving the teacher wondering why her topic, stress pattern was now amusing…
“what is funny” she demanded…..
and it just helped to fire our laughter…..

“who whistled and shouted blood of God in this class” she continued her inquiry
some of us were already rolling on the ground in laughter
she could not take it anymore and she stormed out of the class.
We knew what was coming…
but na today?

Minutes Later,
Principal was in class…..
“This stubborn class, we will deal with you today”
normal threat who had not heard it before….. abeg gaan park joor….
They bundled us downstairs,
Under the sun,
we knelt down
and they went to the house of canes
and brought out their finest canes ready to deal with us.

but
most of us where past redemption. canes from all these teachers
was now like the gentle touch of a professional masseuse
bring it on…. we all seemed to say with our expressions.

And then
GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN [action time again….]

The school’s gate opened
and a man walked in.
sporting a black suit, white shirt and dark abacha-like shades

We all instantly recognized him

“BAR JESUS”

The name slipped from out mouths.

U see, my school had five branches spread all over Lagos and this man was known all over the five branches for his flogging prowess.
Those who had experienced it warned those who had not to stay away.

In short he was so good, that one of our sister schools had too many mischievous students,
and he was sent in…like say na FBI agent…to sanitize the place…
and in months he had done so effectively…..

None of us had ever had cause to partake of his canes but it seemed today the Devil had punished us and since we where shouting is there no one else
Bar Jesus was the someone else…….

I saw my principal smile as he entered
“welcome Mr ???” he said [ well no one knew his name cos whatever he was called was substituted with bar Jesus in our heads]
“who are these ones kneeling down”
see question?? what was he expecting to hear sef
maybe something like
“ o these are the best students in the school we just wanted them to kneel down for a while”
Mtchewwww nonsense!!!
Forgive my sarcasm, I cant forgive that man till date……

our sins were listed……
my school took the shape of a successful church,
cos
everybody was just rushing to give a testimony of our, in these case “EVIL DEEDS”
and the man listened intently…..
as everybody including the gate-man “baba” had something to say.
as he turned to look at us,
I saw Death in his eyes……

He took of His suit….
Removed His wrist watch,
Removed his shades,
Rolled up his sleeves…..
Folded up his trousers
Removed his shoes
Asked for slippers.

[am sure a lot of you are like, what??? don’t mind me he stopped at rolling up his sleeves]

As he performed this ritual rather slowly
I was in my head writing my will.
and then I realized I didn’t even have much to leave behind.
so God this is how I finally died I said.
In the hands of bar Jesus.

Word had already spread round the school
that bar Jesus was about to deal with ss2d
see everybody outside and watching…
This was going to be interesting they thought.
and amongst the people watching,
sadly enough was my girlfriend surrounded by her friends.
all watching to see if her “HERO” was going to cry…..
Jesus!!!! save me I said as I prayed within me…

shey u know in a class,
theres usually that person that never cries no matter how hard they are flogged…
the king chester….
or in our case the queen chester.
her name was kehinde….
she never winced, shook or anything no matter how hard d cane was.
as he (bar Jesus) asked us to line up for the holy communion,
she took the lead of the line with me somewhere in the middle
cos being at the back na falling hand
and no matter how hard I knew my girlfriend was watching,
I no try be first….for what na? Na me love pass
but wait a minute….back then na me love pass sha….

He drew a box on d ground.
I expected him to next bring out cowries and start consulting the gods of flogging.
but no!!!, the box was a barrier, if while flogging you, you left the box
he started counting from beginning again.
He had just six strokes to give us…just six yay!!! shey? But omo none of us was smiling that day.

Towaaaaaaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!
The first hit landed on kehinde’s hand, since no flogging behind for girls…..(na boys own good to flog na smh)
That’s when we knew this one was a different day…
cos there were already signs of shaking….

Ta ta ta taiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!!!!
the second hit landed
and she put back her hands and rubbed it…..no na!!! dat’s not normal

When the third hit landed,
she had almost run beserk, and I saw what I had never seen before, tears and red eyes…

by the time the fifth and sixth had landed omo mein she was crying!!!!!

een?!!!!!!

To cut story short,
This was a different day
some people literally ran mad
some left confused, walking towards the staff room rather than our class…
Rattus rattus one of the guys in class ran towards the gate till some teachers caught Him.
one of ma friends even fainted
and slowly the line was getting shorter bringing me closer to ma own communion.
ma butt was already hot and removing smoke even before one stroke had touched me…
then it was my turn.
and as I took my stand in the box,
and looked up to see my girlfriend blowing me kisses to strengthen me for the cause ahead,
and I think telling her friends “you’ll see my hero won’t cry”

someone just shouted
“even you too stephen class captain for that matter”
eh!!!
Bar Jesus heard it and kept me aside
in his words
“so you are their Leader”
I Fainted….
or I thought I fainted, cos as I stepped aside, the ground became plastic, everything around me dreamy and slanting slightly.

He finished flogging everybody
I looked around and saw the disaster
people crying,
some lying on the ground,
some dead (no o , na joke but anyways u get the picture)
even kehinde sef had not recovered.
I looked up again and saw my sweetheart looking at me as if to say
“honey prove them wrong and don’t cry”

I stepped into the box (u go fear penalty)

first stroke……. taiiiiiiiii!!!!
It entered gaan…
with roots spreading speedily all over my buttocks.
my buttock temperature plummeted immediately to that of boiling water. 100 degrees on the dot.

2nd stroke……….. Tiya twaiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!!
the atoms and molecules seemed to disintegrate.
At this point am sure my fair butt must have changed to deep red or something worse
but I held on

3rd stroke Tishaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!
I almost ran out
but a voice said to me “look up”
and I saw my hearbeat blow me another kiss…encouraging me to hold on for her
my morale heightened again.
and I stood still
3 more to go…. I can manage na……

4th stroke … tazaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii tatatatataatata twaiiiiiiiii !!!!
one of ma leg almost left the box and I suspended it in the air, and it was with utmost effort that I returned it to place.
my eyes were already red
10 wraps of marijuana would not make them any more red.

5th stroke…..tatataaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
omo no more…
I could not hold on, I covered my hands with my eyes as the tears seemed to fall….
my buttocks by now must have become really large
as large as those women that sell food to us
as large as those of the girl that caused the whistle I thought.
and of course,
as red as fresh tomato…..

last stroke
I dint want it …
God I was dying here
but she was looking at me na……
shey love endures na
cos I swear that was what I was doing like mad here.
if I was in the bible
I would be called endurance or better still Long suffering.

The final stroke landed
with my eyes still tightly covered with my hands.
I swear, as I opened them
I half expected to see an angel…
telling me “welcome to heaven stephen, u are dead”
but as I opened them
I was still alive
praise the Lord!!!!!
I walked
legs heavy
with seemingly borrowed bums (cause they did not feel like mine)
also with everybody’s admiration
that I had taken the cane without flinching like the rest…..
I got to my seat in class
and it was vibrating, cos I just could not seat still. I just vibrated from end to end…..
I was in serious pains and the tears were coming but I was sniffing them away.
The class was silent
teachers came and watched us crying and sniffing and they were happy
if given the chance they would have snapped us and put in the next schools magazine.

The closing bell rang.
And she ran to me, gave me a hug called me her hero.
amidst the admiration of her friends….
telling her they liked her strong boyfriend…
I was just there nodding and trying not to cry….
I gave her an excuse not to walk her home.

I just hurried, took a bike
got home
undressed
looked at ma behind
really red, swollen, with lines and lines all around it
like where a little kid just finished playing
I could not hold it anymore
I could not
I let it go….
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! I cried loudly
and my wailing increased,
as I examined and touched various parts of my behind
cursing the man admist tears, and even the
girl sef….

morals of the story

1. Bar Jesus is still in my school, if you have a stubborn child, please send him there….dem no born am well he must change
2. Sometimes drastic measures have to be taken for things or people to change.

Damn!!! my butt was hurting as I was telling this story.

Curse you bar-jesus, curse you…

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Uncle Stephen
@itsUnclestephen
steveekeng@gmail.com
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Steveekeng@gmail.com

39 thoughts on “Bar-Jesus

  1. Hahahahahahahahahaha …. I Don Die !
    We had a Bar Jesus in my School Too ….Short black devilish teacher called Mr Takim ….he is the only teacher that Draws Blood wen he flogs …Chei ..secondary school is awesome …Best Time of Our lives …University brings too much responsibilty

    Nice one Stevo …i laffed from beginning to End

  2. I swear I nearly died laughin when bar-Jesus "rolled up his trousers… and asked for slippers"
    Choi! Stephen u no well!
    Some of my peeps still never laugh PORTUGUESE BEANS own finish!
    Bombs bruv… U drop BOMBS!
    Nice one!

  3. Lmao….. had a chemistry teacher who was like bar jesus my ass was green….. good one keep it up, i always refresh my mail looking out for your next piece…..

  4. I laughed sotey I cried!!!
    Stevo U go soon cause ‘MANSLAUGHTER‘ coz I nearly choked laughing…wat if i was eating?

  5. Funny story, lov ur ghen ghen action sequence.
    I remember one tcher who flogged d back of d neck.of course he culd miss ur neck&get ur head instead.
    Those days no funny o…….

  6. Woaw! So humourous. Any public school secondary student shud av encounter similar bizarre. Mehn! Am so luving this piece. Wish i knw u more guy. Get in touch (thru mail). Keep this up

  7. Nyc one steve…lwkmd..ders alwys a bar-jesus in every sec skool sha…I'v had a first-hand experience too..lol..keep it coming!*thumbs up!*

  8. "removed his shoes, asked for slippers!"
    rotflmao. That was hilarious. Thank God i was in my house when i read this else i wld have been on my way to Yaba-left.

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  10. So funny cheiiii. Wish i wtnessed such dai. Wished ? waz common den. But ooo hw wer u able 2 sit on de bike wif ur hell trashed bums? Love ur gists. Thumbs up bro. GGMUB

  11. Kai! LWDM! (laff wan disgrace me). I ws reading ds in d consulting room while a patient ws undergoin a test in a machine. I almost laffed out bt 2God be d glory, I ddnt. Stephen abeg no end my career oh. Lol!

  12. mein! Stev.O.M.G. U wil nat kee me oh. I was readin diz in ma auntz office wiv al doz post graduate student starin at me lyk…' so na so diz fyn gurl finali run madt'. Kip it up dude.

  13. Lmaoooooooooooooooooo! Imagine in the wee hours of the morning around 4:00am me shrieking with uncontrollable laughter at the sight of: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This guy is SICK (in a pleasant way). Mehn! I enjoyed every frigging line to the last.

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  15. A????? very interesting story,I have laffed out ??M????????? eyes here………….I also hd 1 bar jesus like dat I?????n????? ??M????????? second skool, J???????§???? dat he wz our govt teacher… So sori abt ur ass mehn

  16. Hahaha ! LWKMD ! There is notin as sweet as a secondary school experience ! You know, the bad tins u just wanna do 4 "bragging rights" while avoiding the hands of the Law….chai…na evry school (public) get Bar Jesus…

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  18. Stephen you're lucky I read this at home, it woulda been embarassing af. By the way I had to read the whole story for the family to explain why I was dying of laughter. Big ups bro!!

  19. mein dat was hilarious my peepz for house com dey ask if i inhale laughing gas ..as lwkmd.. bravo man keep it up..hope ur skul no be alvanna cos if na dat bar jesus dere i do suffer

  20. mein u seriously knw how to disgrace some1 wit laughter abeg no make me laugh for road oo b4 the say i don mad abeg keep in touch through my email..and for the records my sec skul bar jesus finish me for skul ..lol

  21. Guy, you are gooood! I have been laughing like crazy!!! Most esp @ "This was a different day
    some people literally ran mad
    some left confused, walking towards the staff room rather than our class…
    Rattus rattus one of the guys in class ran towards the gate till some teachers caught Him". You are good!

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