Bar-Jesus 2

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Closer closer
Uncle Stephen is back again….

Story story!!!!
Story story story!!!

This is anoda story about ss2d.
My notorious secondary school class…

Towards the end of third term,
We were planning a huge party,
We talked about it in class,
Set up a committee for it,
Had our venue set.
But just close to when we were going to pay for the venue,
The manager of d hotel,
Found out we where secondary school students,
And opted to give it out to another person,
Or something like that.
Cos this was d report the comittee brought back to us…

D date we had fixed was going to be d only
Feasible date by our calculations.
Cos most of us had lied to our parents
That we had a waec enlightenment seminar
To prepare us as we entered ss3.

And with the excitement radiating amongst us as the day was approaching,
It seemed most parents and guardians actually bought our story.
So we were ready to get it on….
We Just had to take care of dis little glitch in our plans…

Girls were worried,
Boys were troubled,
Me,I was sad….
How can dis parry not hold
Not after all these dreams…..

We had given up hopes when,


One of d girls in the class,
Told us that something came up
And her parents travelled,
So her house would be empty.
luckily for us,
Her house was located in a place without much neighbors,
Meaning, we could still run our parry….
Without any interference

This news was greeted and hugged with excitement.
Happiness gave birth to numerous children in d class,
And even the teachers noticed sumtin was up
But could not tell what it was.
cos our class was closely knitted 2geda.
We never spilled d beans no matter the odds.
And the last person who snitched on us,
was thoroughly dealt with….
So no one dared reveal our plans….

D deal day arrived people…..
As one of d organisers
I arrived d venue early
Made sure music and all was set,
And in time people started arriving.
I must add dat d girls were looking so hot dat day,
Dat we knew instantly.
Dat 2day,
Must be a great day….

Pastors voice: turn 2 ur neighbor,hold his/her hand and say today must b a great day in ur life…

Look at them eye ball to eye ball and Say neighbour….today must be great in ur Life…

Forgive me, but
I almost forgot to add,
Dat we also invited some gals from d oda class.
D coded ones sha….
So der would be balance.
Not one of doz gay parties
Where like 4boys will form sign of the cross around one girl.
One in front,behind,left and right….
No way dat was gon happen in our party

Without time wasting,
Party started.
The setting P,
The rocking,
The pinning,
The **coughs**
Sorry bt d cough sumfin just entered ma mouth now..

Sha sha
We were dancing to hit tracks dat were invogue den like “hips don’t lie” by shakira,
In d heat of d party,
Wen e don dey hot like freshly cooked stew,
Dey red….
Music stopped….

“Een?” We shouted who b dat fooo…….
I could not complete saying d fool, cos I turned and saw who it was


It was BAR-JESUS!!!!!

This wicked god of flogging…how did he get here….
Now dis was impossible,
But here he was
In flesh and blood.
I cannot count how many times I wiped my eyes,
To make sure it was a trick
But once he opened his mouth to speak
I knew dis was no hallucination…

Now before I continue here are a few tings to note,
Bar jesus,does not talk often
And when he does, he has this deep,bass-sounding,bossy way of talking,
with a slight stammer,
A total combination which buried fear into u.

There was also a rumour,that he used to be in d military hence his flogging prowess,and vulgarity sometimes when he talked.

And today was one of those vulgar days

“U basssssss…..tarrrds” he said wit d slight stammer (note that the ellipsis indicates a pause when he talks)
“I see….. u hav not….. learnt ur lesson”
“To to to to today…I will fuck u all…. from behind….”

“Ahhhhh” we shouted
“Shutup” he screamed……
And silence came upon the once noisy house

“Now pick a partner.” He said.

We were still confused and really slow about obeying his command until he hit d boy closest to him with his hands.

And quickly we partnered up.
And somehow somehow,
My partner was a girl,I had a slight crush on.
she was one of d girls we invited from the other class.

“Good” he continued….
“I have seen…… that no form…. of punishment from anybody….. can make u change…
Today….. u will all…. PUNish urself…by urselves”…

“Now we r go go go gogogo going to
Do a simple…… exercise!!!!”

“Now I want u to give ur partner
And wen wen wen I say….. dirty….
I want it dirty…..”
Any fucking….one of u….who gives a clean slap…will have me to talk to”

Two best friends were first,
Austin and Chima,
They were busy caressing each others face and calling it slap,
When bar-jesus pulled one of them aside,

“You son of a housegirl, I said dirty slap and you are doing thrash, now lemme show u”
He gave it to him….“Tozaiiiiiiiii”
And told him to repeat the same on his friend.
By the time he recovered,
every kindness he had,Vanished.
And by the time he slapped his friend..
Omo I felt the slap…from where I was
And in a minute they were brutally slapping each other,
Like full blown enemies
Taiiiiiii towaiiiiii tazaiiiiiiii
With the magnitude increasing,
With each slap.

“Dats better he said….”

“Now d rest of u before I come and do it maself…take turns and slap…slap…slap
Now let’s go”

Towaiiiiii “Ahhhhhh mummy”
Tozaiiiiiii. “jesus!!!!”
Taiiiiiii. “Daddy!!!!”
Kpaiiiiiiii. “Yepa”

This and many more,
Were d sounds that had replaced d music,
That was in dis room,some minutes back.

Some of d slapping partners,
Had almost turned it to a fight
Cos when ur partner give u better hot slap,
U’ll want to revenge with an even hotter one.

But I had a big problem.
my partner was a girl.
Though wen I looked at the room,
And saw others who were partnered wit gals,
they had thrown manners to the wind,
and were Giving dem some serious slaps.

I wondered if I could do d same.
I was not scared sha…
My partner was on d small side.
So bad as e bad the slap no go too hard
Beht eh,
When I set face and d first slap land eh,

My eye closed.
The pain travelled d entire length of ma body,
Hitting ma brain like I sniffed snuff
And setting fire to my face,
Worst of all, as I opened my eyes,
Everybody seemed to have doubled.
2 barjesus’s
2 of d girl
2 of everybody in d room
Making d slapping ceremony, look like tag team wrestling.

With time though,
Me eyes cleared
Every thing singularized,
Except me,
There were 3 of me….
Normal Me,
angel me with wings and
devil me with a tail and fork,
Like seen in d cartoons…

Devil me: “choi!!!! Dat one entered o, make sure u give it to her exactly dat way”
Angel me: “no my son, she’s a girl don’t do that, be a gentleman”

So I opted for a slap that seemed like it was heavy,
But landed lightly
I felt she’d take a cue from dat…
But omo wen her second slap. landed,
I knew that she dint get the message,
And this was a no love situation

Devil me kept pressuring me to make d slap harder,while d good me begged me to keep it low and bear it like a man

Like a man I tried,
Beht eh… fear small girls
D slaps emanating from her hands
Compared to her size,
had no correlation.

Towaiiiii dat was d fifth one….
Tears filled my eyes….
Everybody in d room was now permanently doubled.
There were 2 bar-jesus’s walking round d room
Ensuring we were doing as he asked…
And I was still der listening to the angel me
Pleading me to be a gentleman…

Beht eh,
by d time d 6th slap landed
No way mein,
I said in my mind with tears running down my face…
No way
Lai lai
No no no
No freakin way,
Ah ah na…..
C person wen I dey pity
Don make my face fat with slap…
No nah….
I must slap dis geh
I just must
I just gast gif am to am…..

She readied her face,
In anticipation of one of my soft slaps

Beht dis time….
The devil me switching 2 pidgin said: “boy u dey fuck up…shuoooo!!!…..sand dis geh make her eye clear….how she go dey do like dis….u no get sense?….u dey form gentle…she dey slap ur soul away…u wan die?…u be fool???…sound am joor…make e ring”

Next ting d devil me broke into a fela song while dancing around me…
he sang “I no be gentleman at all….I no b gentleman ataliiooo…me ano be gentleman atall”

“My pikin no do like dat” this was d angel me (and by the way,angel me is really cute too) “how u go slap am now,better man no dey beat woman”

And d angel to broke into his own song…
He sang….“If u slap her, no more kingdom…oooo oooo oooo oooo…no more kingdom…o o o…no more kingdom waiting for u”

Next ting dey were talking at the same time saying….

Devil: Slap am
Angel: No slap am
Devil: Sand am
Angel: No sand am
Devil: Ring am
Angel:No ring
Devil: dial am make e Ring eeeeeeeee
dis was last ting I heard
I was so confused….

And I released my hand like d smooth stone from david’s catalpult
And when it landed….
And I heard d sound,and d response of
Jesus my eye!!!!!
I knew dis was different and not what I intended to do…
Cos she was on the ground,
And I went to tell her sorry….
She said “lemme alone don’t talk to me ever again in ur life”

And I heard bar jesus say to us….
“This is the beginning
2mao 9am I want to see everyone of u in skool
And come wit 3canes each…..
We’ll repeat this exercise there…..”

And he walked out….

What started as a party,
Was filled with tears,
people who deeply hated each other,
And also wished the ground would just open up and swallow them….
Cos we could not bear to think of what,
Awaited us on the morrow….

I kept apologizing to the gírl
Beht she kept weeping and waving me off.
She neva talked to me again,
Till we almost left school sha…
No matter how hard I tried to reconcile.
And by then it was already late for any parole, to hold between us….

From this event I Learnt,

1. In every 12 derz always a judas,so watch out very well who u tell when ur makin plans,

2. That if we could pull this off as little as we were,then we future parents need to both be close to our kids and pray for them

3. Most importantly,
“Better Man no dey Beat Woman”

Ps: Till date we still don’t know who d snitch was…

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Bar Jesus 1

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21 thoughts on “Bar-Jesus 2

  1. !!!! WOW !!!!…What an Interesting SLAP FESTIVAL…….¤¤¤ Festival Of Abundant Slaps¤¤¤ hahahahahaha **stevo, U won't kill me o *** More Kero To Ur Fuel tank…..Kudos Bro

  2. Guess u aint such a gentleman afterall for letting d "devil you" win. Nice story. Turns out someone wasn't so scared about d retribution of spilling on u guys.

  3. L???O????????(=)))????O?????L??.,na wa o
    ? wan kill ?? for here steph,laff wan kill ?? o,LMAO,pele shoti gbo,dat slap gud o,in be like say ? don receive plenty many skapz chai sowi k,no cry much,?? kwa go give ? mine na,L???O????????(=)))????O?????L??.,keep it up joor, ? D???????????????? feel ? wella jawe

  4. Omo bros ! Dis una Bar Jesus suppose be "Bar Devil" oo ! ChooOoiiiiii !!! But d girl na korrect karashika na…she show u deve "sanding"…lol ! I like the way you always pass a lesson or 2 after every story…

  5. Omo oga Stevo, gentleman no de dey dis kyn thngs O! U see afta she don sand craze commot 4 ya head nd u pity her, she kom dey 4m vex ontop. Me get only 1 lesson 4u O:
    1. Be a gentleman bt rememba say na condition make crayfish bend o