“Baby Boy, I am Pregnant”. The SMS was succinct, surreal and well timed to without doubt, deliver the shock the sender wanted me to have.
After three straight days of drinking Garri in school, my parents finally decided to send me something instead of their customary “Manage eh! Nna” which I always got whenever I requested for money. On receiving the Alert I proceeded to MAMA G restaurant to chop Life.
Rice 100, beans 30, spaghetti 30, 2 moi-moi, salad, three meat and one mortuary standard orobo Coke. Their daddies. I didn’t care about the exact mixture. My village people had made sure hunger played with my feelings for the last week, and all I wanted to do was shame them by eating to my fill no matter the cost and letting out that satisfying belch, which prevails, when cold coke passes through your throat and makes your stomach its final resting place.
The Funny thing is that the SMS didn’t come when I was about to order the food. It didn’t come when I was about to pay either. It didn’t come when I was eating the food. Rather it came, when I was about to eat the meat after finishing the food (as all properly brought up Nigerians should do…LOL). I read the SMS over and over again. Turned my phone over to be sure it was mine. (just in case one of this my village people that will be having sex up and down, don come change my phone) . Alas it was mine. My Nokia Xpress music became heavier the more I held and looked into the phone. I took a sip of the “ex-cold” coke to try and calm myself down and it tasted like the Devil’s Pee (or what I assume the devil’s pee would taste like)
The more i digested the contents of the SMS; the more vivid the memory of the exact day it must have happened came to my mind. Such was the kind of life I lived. my own was always different.What other people did effortlessly, I did and had problems. My friends would be like “Steve, go and take orange from that tree. we have been taking from it for the last two years without anyone seeing us and no problems”. The day I’ll decide to go there and take orange will be the day Police, army, navy, OPC and even issakaba will hold their once in twenty years Convention near the same orange tree and catch me.
And now it has happened again. I remembered the words of ONOS my friend. “Na help wen dem tell water make e help boil meat Na him e take turn to soup”
Everything that happened from the moment I received that SMS just kept pointing towards the raising of children.
As I was leaving Mama G’s restaurant, I bumped into one of my guys who for some inexplicable reason decided to start hailing me from far with “dadieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”. My own has finished I said to myself. So everyone knows. Why me oh Lord. To make it worse after shaking me he was like “see guy eh. You be father aswear…… azzin Father Father”. Wazzaldis. This can’t be coincidental. I was disconcerted until it became clear that all the adoration, glorification and exaltation, was for something different as he revealed by saying “that your show yesterday eh killed it my brother. You be murderer I swear. I dey always tell people for this school say once your hand dey any show or party na die.” Whew! At least no be say him know . He finally parted with the words “daddieeeeeee you’re good abeg and I sure say your babies dem for this school go just dey multiply dey mutltiply ah! Oshey baddest”. In my mind I was like
Got home that day, to the news that my caretaker’s wife had put to bed a bouncing baby boy. Onyeoma our caretaker was good to us and the guys had decided to contribute money to buy pampers and some baby food. Guess who dey delegated to go to the market and get it? Who else if not the daddieeeeee, the father father, me. Hot tears were streaming down the insides of my soul. Na when I reach the store I realize say this entire baby something no be childs. How much for cerelac and I heard N4,000. Wait what? Baby food??, Blood of dasuki. To make things worse, the attendant was trying to explain to me that some babies go through 3 tins in a week. N12,000 in a week N48000 approximately in a month. This is without factoring in Money for pampers, baby cloth and I don’t even know what else babies use o. It didn’t have to be a new day for it to dawn on me that I had screwed and I was screwed.once more, I remembered the words of ONOS my friend “pikin wen say e wan use agbada start guy, e go talk Wetin e go dey wear for old age ”
Wetin go kill you most times dey usually sweet my brother. Becky was from another planet I tell you. We were Adventurous and young the perfect recipe for disaster. Becky loved me, but inexplicably was not really ready for the commitment of a relationship. You know when you and someone are doing everything that people who date do but without the title. We had always used protection but on this particular night, we threw caution to the wind. Friends and alcohol are sometimes all you need. “see eh! Nothing like skin to skin my brother. E get as e dey sweet. E get as e go dey touch you for the back of your head” I remembered ONOS my Warri friend say while touching the sweet spot at the back of his head,for emphasis.
With alcohol in our system, there was nothing to rein us in. what about STD ? a voice said to me. But that Tom and Jerry devil with fork appeared on my shoulder and told me “all die na die my brother. Something must kill a man”. which I reinforced with another ONOS quote which says “whether nyash face east or west na still back e go dey “
Becky was from another planet. I know I’ve said it before but add the alcohol and the ice cream she had poured and licked off my entire body, nwanne I too had joined her in being from krypton. She just wanted to be bad and I was a vessel meet for the master’s use. We were on the same frequency because even when I tried to reach for protection, she waylaid me and the voice of the sage ONOS once more came to my head and I dived in. The feeling was different let’s not deceive ourselves. Like my ibo people will say “o n’ato pieces” or better still in Yoruba “odun gaan”. I was blown away, becky was blown away. Before you know baby girl don mount me like when merlin wan climb horse. Before you know It was my turn. Just dey fire dey go while she dey talk things wen go wan make a young man Dada burst.
You’re sweet sweet sweet sweeeeeeeeet oh! Sweeter than the sweetest. Before you know e don change to you’re great great greeeeaaaaaat greater than the greatest. Who hear us outside go think say na motivational program CD dey play. As an oaf that I am, mumu wen dem don tell say I great pass the greatest, I remembered something I watched in a “colorless” film[because Wetin make am blue till today I no understand ]. na so I start my own. “who’s your daddy?”. “You are” baby girl replied. If only I knew that I was predicting my future. Smh for me prophetT.B Stephen.
Four days after the breaking news arrived, My phone rang at night and when I looked at the caller ID it was MUMMY BABY. what?!!!! On closer examination, it was my mind playing tricks on me.It was actually Becky calling. “Baby I’m so scared. I’ve been feeling funny and having weird dreams. I can’t even sleep at night any more ” sshe said over the phone. I was trying my best to calm her down when she added “I even dreamt yesterday that I gave birth to Twins”.she continued talking after that twins talk but I zoned out bruh, In my mind’s eye, the Tom and Jerry little angel that appears on my shoulder, put his two hands on his head and shouted “chai, there is God o”.
My mother’s prayers for me at the beginning of the year, was beginning to make sense. When she said this would be my year of increase. I remember her screaming passionately and making her case to the creator “Increase in your growth, increase in your academic performance, increase in your spiritual life, and increase in everything you do.” And I’m sure the angel taking the prayers up to the most high definitely must have grouped reproduction into that last part of everything you do. After all, he must have said to himself “this is the work of thine hands too and must thus be increased” once more, images of that night filtered into my head and I thought up various scenarios of how I could have prevented this. how many minutes of pleasure now na him be all this thing. as ONOS will say “bring suya bring suya na cow body dey suffer am”
I got that SMS exactly three weeks to my examinations, and I could not concentrate. According to ONOS, him people dey usually talk say “leg wen swell up no be rainboot” and I fully understood now.me wen be lekpa before, with the way I dey slim down dey slim down eh,I knew I was soon going to dissapear.I remembered the movie “yellow card”.you oldies will remember it. a south African abi Kenyan film from back in the day where a young man like me in school,became a father and had to carry the baby on his back while still playing football which was his passion. At least the guy don even get dream wen e go pursue. My own dream these days were filled with me as the center guy in tales by moonlight telling the gathered children stories that touch while they laugh and gleefully call me daddy!
Some of you are like how are you even sure the baby is yours, how are you even sure she’s really pregnant and all. Even if she is eh make she comot am na. See eh my brother na when this thing happen I realize say the babe papa na retired army major general,[if only she had said so when I was asking who’s your daddy. straight forward question she no fit answer. women sef ] and she has 5 brothers of which two na also Army people. I hope with those few points of mine I have been able to convince you on why I couldn’t even start considering any nonsense because by the time dem don blend and beat you well eh, you go just begin get a natural love for children. In the wise words of ONOS MY friend, once more, “Na where tree near tree Na him monkey dey smart.”And with the way things dey go this monkey dey inside better sahara desert.
Exams were approaching but a nigga couldn’t read jack. All my textbooks changed title and subject as I was reading them. A textbook of electrical technology by B.L theraja wen been dey explain AC theory all of a sudden u go see FIG 1.1 wen suppose be circuit diagram go be
Or even fluid mechanics textbook go just divert begin explain the mechanism by which babies are born. Long and short of the story was that my brain was messed up. To make crayfish bend the more, anytime wen I see becky e come be like the belle dey big more and more every day.
See my life! which mouth I wan use tell my mama especially say I give babe belle. The shock alone fit kill am. Me wen if dem mention sex for her mind I suppose turn ask “mummy what is sex” na him dem go tell say I dey greater than the greatest and sweeter than the sweetest. There’s No way she will believe. it must be by Immaculate Conception that the babe got pregnant no way it was via the normal means.
I tried to be calm through it all. my ultimate plan was just to go through my exams somehow, and then we go tell our parents. first my mother probably by writing it in a paper and hiding it in her bible. In any verse that has something to say about mercy cos na wetin I go need. una go ask my papa nko. if I know him very well he’ll be calm and probably not kill me… her own papa nko… see brethren #prayforstephen thats all I can say.
This was my ultimate plan and I told her over the phone only for babe to come to the house, at night the next day in tears and make it worse by saying.
abuse me if u want but the story must get part 2 if not how will u come back again..
let me just pity you people before they’ll say this broda is wicked
one week to my exam, after almost 6weeks of terror and baby day dreaming, she said
The pregnancy wasn’t mine.
she actually said
she told me that
she wasn’t pregnant….
I couldn’t believe it… all the tension, and stress few weeks to my exam for that matter… to prove what?
“I wanted to be sure you really loved me” she said with tears streaming down her face….
obviously on the advise of her friend, she wanted to test the depth of my love for her she wanted to know if I would be there for her if I would be this and that…If I was for real [in my mind I’m like no I no real I be ghost]…. I couldn’t understand it but my brother she come begin cry…. dey cry better cry like who dem thief him last card. At first, I wanted to be angry and all but d babe’s crying and wailing was phenomenal. she was almost starting to cause a scene in my hostel.
telling me she was sorry
telling me if I left her because of this she would kill herself…
before I know babe don dey waka near my balcony….
I say Hian!
e be like e come better say the babe get belle….
me, the ex~father who was supposed to be angry my brother I come begin dey beg dey talk sorry… my plan was just to calm her down enough make she just carry her wahala go that night before she chook herself knife or one of this other thing wen dem dey do for Nigerian film…
The last thing I remember was holding her and forming begging and calming her down. see eh how we started kissing and cloth use Comot I swearigad I don’t know… see I know…. u don’t have to tell me… I’m a fool. a mumu, an oponu,onye iberibe. but my brother before 1 2 and I could buckle my shoe babe Don dey ontop me again still dey cry dey tell me about love et al.
when we finished, I looked up. From my room, I could see the night sky clearly filled with stars, and I counted them.
Cos I didn’t need any promise from above to tell me that I was about to become like our daddy Abraham, a father of many nations. Tufia! Kwa Stephen!. I closed my eyes and something ONOS usually said became clearer to me ” to craze no be wahala na d trekking be the problem “
hope you enjoyed this and I was able to make you laugh or at all at all grin. please don’t be stingy. comment and share to your friends,enemies,ex-girlfriends/boyfriends,people owing you money, landlord,village people,spiritual husband or even wife, on bbm facebook,twitter,etc
sorry for the disappearance
it seems I’m back like nyash[go away Abeg the talk enter joor ]
please also scroll dandandan and drop your email to follow the blog so as new stories are posted,you’ll receive an email.
read more here ALL STORIES
also contact us if you’ll be interested in guest blogging.. [only works that are humorous please ]