The Ex-girlfriends Tale Episode 3

Read previous episodes here to thoroughly enjoy this one…


My warri friend onos say him people talk say when lion see wetin pass am instead of to roar, wetin go comot him mouth na “meow meow”. See me that was feeling like one gangsta Rastafarian. But my people eh, this Clara girl had bought WAHL clipper and was barbing all my Dada slowly and steadily, And in all respect winning the race.

As I sat at that table drinking with the guys and gisting about politics women, while kitty Kat was waiting for Jack sparrow, I was deep in thought. I touched my pocket and continually wondered if this oga abeg medicine was indeed the way to go.

They say a problem shared is a problem half solved. But there are some problems you can’t just share with people, especially your guys. The homeboys, on noticing my countenance, kept asking me if all was well to which I replied yes, and tried as much as I could to join in the conversation but shet men I was far away.

You know guys na, how do I begin to explain to them what I was going through without being laughed at. No guy in this world would ever want to believe that a girl exists out there that was so good in bed, that you couldn’t handle it any more and had become tired of it. How do I explain to them that I was now the uncle, an engineer by day, and jack sparrow, a pirate at night. Above all,how do I explain to onos My warri friend,say bone that him proverb o, e get as Patrick go dey eh, ashewo go resign from the work.

There was no way my guys would understand even if I explain from now till next 12years. All man would just naturally assume that I was weak and according to ONOSaic wisdom,“you fit call man stupid,call am foolish fool but e no go pain am reach say make you talk say e no sabi do”.

Another sms entered my phone, from Clara “please Stevie,come back home,kitty Kat needs her milk” and all I could think to myself was milk milk everytime when did I even start working with cowbell.

I and the guys went our separate ways, after I had had enough drinks to ensure that once I got in eh na sleep straight. As I knocked on the door and she opened eh. I knew this life was just a pot of well cooked ewa-agoyin.

All my resolve shattered as I saw her. Wherever she got the sexy leather whatever she was putting on, only sango knows. The sexiness and come to me mama was just oozing out of her and pouring on the ground, threatening to flood my entire room.

I am not proud to say it But I dived her. I willingly accept to be a well fattened cow and produce all the milk she wanted in this life. I no even try remember the oga abeg medicine wen I buy.

You know that guilt feeling that arises in you when you have done something you swore not to do especially in situations like this, I was wearing it all over me like jalamia hours later when we took short break to allow us freshen up and continue the pasteurization process later.

I just lay on the bed as she was bathing, swearing for myself and cursing my village people. I decided again not to continue no matter what she did. But my people,uncle Stephen proposes this babe Clara disposes. As she came out of the bathroom in all her eve nature and went to change the track playing in the background (can’t remember which it was exactly this time abeg no vex) and came towards me, I channelled all my inner chi to ensure that my body refused to respond. At least maybe she go calm down but not this babe. This one was an expert. Just one or two touch here and there and Jack sparrow shouted “oyolima” like flavour and was ready for work again.

Her words kept replaying in my head “Steve can you handle it?, Steve are you good in bed?” while she was busy milking me,screaming obscenities and calling on the good Lord all at the same time.

We fell asleep later on after eagle come tif her chicken pikin again and she let out a huge cry, and after somewhere in between, I literally refused being handcuffed. I kid you not my people somewhere in between the baby produced a handcuff which I had only seen in movies to handcuff her father to the window burglary close to the bed. I was shocked and surprised at the same time. I know say I dey like adventure but what if the handcuff been no get key. Na so somebody father for handcuff to window when no be say I dey crime fighters.

To my greatest surprise i woke up on Sunday morning, to her preparing for church and urging me to hurry up, so we wouldn’t miss service. I didn’t even want to know how and why she arrived at this decision but I decided to go and see if the good Lord she always called out to, would touch her heart.

Sometimes I wonder if it is planned. This pastors just know how to pick the topic for what you have committed. You steal someone’s girlfriend that day they will preach on covetousness. You kill a mosquito at night they will preach thou shall not kill.You just collected salary they will preach on tithe. You and your babe just woke from the same bed and came to church, guess the topic? Fornication of course.

The pastors voice boomed from the pulpit.“fornication is a siiiiiiiiiin, some of you are desecrating the temple of Goooooooood” he rambled on and on and my conscience was pricking me continually. Clara dey my side too be like the message too been dey enter her blood vessels and I hoped that was the case honestly.

“Brother,I want you to read with a loud voice, Ephesians 5 vs 5. Ushers please give him the Mic” the pastor was looking directly at me as he said so. Sharp Sharp Mic don reach my hand and I opened my bible wen I no fit remember when last I open AM.

“For you know this with certainty” I said “for you know this with what?” The pastor echoed “certainty” the church replied “read on my brother”
“That no immoral or impure person or covetousness man” I said with the pin of guilt piercing deeper and deeper into my soul. The pastor echoed that line to the heavens “go on brother” he urged me. “Who is an idolater,has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” “has no what brother ?” He asked “inheritance” I replied “no what?” “Inheritance” I replied again “noooooo waaaaaaat? Louder brother” “inheritaaaaaaaaanceeee” I screamed at the top of my voice jabbing the guilt pin to the bottom of my heart.

After some more minutes of making us feel guilty he ended his sermon and did alter call. Fellow adulterers and fornicators started heading to the pulpit. I been no one go but as Clara head towards that place, my heart was finally broken and I stepped out to the pulpit to hand over my own life too to Jesus.

When we returned to our seat, we were both solemn and in fact after the service she decided she would head straight home instead of going back to my place. Kai this was real change taking place in this babes life. I also resolved to follow the way of the Lord from there forwards.

4 hours later….
**PimPim PimPim**
I received a text message

“But kitty Kat misses Jack sparrow?”

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I just knew there was no helping this babe. She came that night and I successfully collected back my life which I gave to Jesus not up to 8hours ago. It continued like that for months until after 5 more months of being together, she was transferred to the north for work, and the relationship just died a natural death.

That was how i was saved from continuous slimming down,consideration of oga abeg medicines, sleeping in the office due to tiredness, and constantly taking back my life after giving it to Jesus severally.


As I remember all the things that happened between me and her as she walks away from me on this wedding day. I honestly am happy it went that way because as we been dey take each other eh, where the babe for carry me reach.
People go need do #bringbackourunclestephen to bring me back.

Do not leave without dropping a comment. Don’t behave like your village people. Encourage or insult us.

Watch out for episode Four of T.E.X.T next Friday.

Check Out Hilarious other Stories here All Stories

Like us on face book and drop your emails in the subscription section of this blog to receive new stories as they drop.

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen

The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode Two

Once more we invite all LASTma officials who haven’t read other episodes of t.e.x.t, to please click here so you can thoroughly enjoy this one All Text Episodes

If you have forgotten what happened, don’t form. Click the links and refresh your memory. Thanks

“Hi Stevie”. Clara’s outstretched hands in anticipation of a handshake, brought me back to reality. Her voice still had that same seductive cadence I remember. I tried so hard not to,but my eyes went straight to her twin goodies. The things still dey in form sha or maybe not sef. All these babes this days. When they use all these their wonder bra package bobby finish even the one wen don they dig ground go begin put two fingers in the air.

Wait!(in oga at the top’s voice) Its my wedding day. I shouldn’t even let such thoughts cross my mind. Why hasn’t Barbara arrived na make the service start sef and prevent more Clara’s from coming towards me.

“congratulations” she continued “I thought to surprise you. My mother and Barbara’s mum are actually very close friends and when I found out it was you Barbara was getting married to I couldn’t believe it”

“Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it” I replied. Without even telling you all, am sure you know I was saying the exact opposite in my mind. Why is this world like this sef, inside all the plenty mothers that can be friends,it had to be hers and Barbara’s that will be close friends. I silently prayed that she had not in any way mentioned to Barbara what had happened between us. Hope Barbara hadn’t changed her mind or something. I needed to call her and find out where she is.

“Anyways I just came to wish you a happy married life before the ceremony kicks off in full. I wish you the best, even if things didn’t work out between us. I had a good time with you. Am sure you’ll treat Barbara very well. Take care of yourself” she said, gave me one of those her three minutes eye changing color without saying anything look, then extended her hands for a handshake which I took mechanically. I left her hands almost immediately before like our people say “the handshake will begin to cross the elbow and become another thing”.

She turned around and began to walk away. After like three steps she turned and said “By the way, you are looking very good. Make sure she enjoys Jack sparrow” with a mischievous undertone, winked at me and walked away” As I watched her walk away with her jiggling behinds, Uncontrollably, I drifted back to that night where it all started.


Are You Good in bed?
I became Confused. The question kept replaying in my head. I wanted to believe she was joking but mehn the babe was staring at me eyeball to eyeball,nose to nose and mouth to mouth. Numerous thoughts crossed my mind,in the minute that passed.If she dey question my “doing” abilities then e mean say she be wetin? Abi na scam? She wan fear me? Just look at this babe o. I had to be diplomatic about the whole thing shey you understand. I can’t start replying ah! Me? I’m the lion of the tribe of Lagos. Ah! Emi. Mr all Night Long. That would be very vain of me.

So I stared back at her for Four minutes instead of her usual three and made sure even though I couldn’t see it, that my eyes changed to red too(Her father!She dey crase! Na only her sabi hold gaze?).
“Listen clara, you need to understand that I really Like you a lot and I want nothing more than to be with you. If that’s the only hold up as to whether you will accept being my girl or not then I assure you that’s not a problem at all. Don’t want to blow my trumpet but give me a chance and you will never regret it. Because I’ll keep chasing you until you agree to be mine”.

Those were the actual words that came out of my mouth but you see ehn! my people, that above answer is the diplomatic one because In my mind I was like, as my ibo people would say it, “taah! m ga ta gi pieces!” Or better still in Yoruba it would translate to something like “mo ma ru e je bi orugbo” or in plain simple English, I wee Finish you. Imagine na, this girl must hear nwiiin. For even asking me such a question.

“Are you sure stevie?” she asked once again.

I touched sand,licked it and raised the finger to the sky “ehn! I swear you won’t”.

Loooool you lot wish I really said that didn’t you. I wasn’t that Hungry biko, Cos doing that will surpass the criteria for being described as “thirsty”. I simply replied “Clara, Let me make you happy” while squinting my eyes to give the talk a feeling of deepness.

You know one thing I liked/disliked about the babe, she was always coming up with surprising things at the turn of every corner. Before I could “un”squint my eyes, her lips were on top of mine. Wait oh! Na kiss be this? A voice in My head replied “no na mouth to mouth resuscitation, my friend camon chop something”. After like maybe three hours of kissing, ok not up to three hours. na exam? We just stared at each other without saying a word. Then she grabbed my hands and said to me “I really hope you can handle it”.

In a saner world, this would be a good time to retrace my steps and really ponder on what I was getting myself into. But as they say, when the gods want to kill a man, they first take away his ability to hear. I kept wondering how good in bed the babe could really be sef, but then I waved it aside with an adage I once heard from my warri friend onos during NYSC “you no fit use patrick(remove the “at” to achieve desired word) take make ashewo fear”. Bring it on I said in my mind with that george of the Jungle shout. After like one Hour of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend, we stood up and left hand in hand. I was smiling not knowing that I had successfully thrown away the key to the padlock I used to chain myself to trouble.

Even if this obviously wasn’t one of those other relationships where both of you will be biding time before you eventually get under the covers, I was determined not to look too thirsty or Hungry as the case may be. So I restricted most of our seeing each other to public places. But this babe wasn’t having any of it at all. After like two weeks of being in the relationship, she invited herself to my House for the weekend.

Was I Scared? I die if I was scared. Taah! Judgement weekend had come in my mind. All that her type c Jamb Question na this weekend e go end.

Friday came, and it was as hot as hell fire all day. when e don dey reach evening, it started raining lions and tigers. This is one of the worst things that can happen to a Young man abi you guys know. Make you don prepare finish dey expect babe, make your village rainmaker choose that same day to test if him jazz still dey work. Shet! Men. With Faith I called the bae and enquired if she would still make it. The voice I heard on the other end of the line eh! No Hope “Its raining heavily here, Don’t think I can still come today. Let’s make it tomorrow” Clara said to me. I was Dejected,frustrated,downcast and many more things. I just laid down forlorn on my bed, wondering why bad things happen to good people.

I heard a knock on my Door. “who be that?” I asked with all the venom my voice could carry “na me open door joor” I heard a male voice say. Reluctantly I stood up and walked towards the door thinking about how fast things change in this Life. I should be opening the door to a warm Feminine Hug and kiss but now there was a guy at my Door instead. I was surprised when I opened the door.

There she was in all her essence. Dripping from head to toe like all those babes that advertise soap. Chai! I picked sand and threw at her to confirm it wasn’t a ghost. I no want any further heartbreak. “Hope my surprise worked. Wouldn’t have missed coming here even if there was a tsunami” she said. I welcomed her into my Uncle-Bosom like a prodigal daughter knowing that tonight ,there would be rejoicing in the land.

Because there may be some Under 18’s who have internet access and may be reading this blog, I shall try and use code words to convey my message of what followed next. And if you are under 18 and you understand, then you are part of the reasons this country isn’t moving forward.

The baby entered the bathroom and came out with a night gown abi Night-nothing sef na im I go call that one honestly. There are perfumes and there are are fragrances because as she stepped out of my bathroom onto the bed, the entire ambiance of the room changed for the better.

I was trying to be civil and form gisting with her when she said “stevie you talk to much. Just take me” Hei! My life. (places two hands on chest)Me? talk too much.I decided there and then to become deaf and dumb or bebebe as my real Lagos people will call it. Shebi take you abi? That’s how someone’s daughter has reached the far east this night o cos na there I go carry you reach I said in my mind.

I started perusing her entirety. Looking for what I didn’t misplace. Forming the man for the Job and forgetting that the night was still Young. I must also confess that the manchester was not one of those wonder-bra enhanced own oh! This one was the type those danfo driver musicians call “stand firm mudiagha”.When I knew that the race was not to the swift was when after like 9 hours of non-stop hardwork with may-D’s Soundtrack on repeat at the background, the baby was still shouting “don’t stop taking me” chineke mei! My Dear we never reach your bus stop? Fuel don dey finish for my motor oh!

To cut a very Long story short,at the slightest indication that I was getting tired at 6:42a.m (don’t ask me how I knew the precise time.) since 8pm when I don dey take this girl, she reversed the arrangement, and I became the oga down below. Meanwhile the music had also changed to Iyanya’s “Your waist”

Please don’t Question me about the choice of music or why exactly it was changing. In Due time, I had been reduced to a dance floor and this babe was riding me kpacha kpacha kpacha kpacha like an old village bicycle, killing my waist lining simultaneously.

Somewhere around 9am or so we fell asleep after she had let out a huge cry like chicken wen eagle thief im pikin. Honestly without exaggerating I had not slept for up to 10 minutes when I don begin feel hands dey roam around my body. Hei! Uncle Stephen, son of Daddy Stephen this is how you died eh I asked myself. This is the type they will write “Died on Top” on the obituary poster and people will be thinking I died at the apex of my career.

That was our routine the entire weekend my people. Almost 24Hours of activity minus time for eating. Baby go come weekend, we go take our self all through, monday morning she go move, me sef I go go work begin sleep like person wen attend night vigil. As if that one is not enough, the same monday evening she go don dey house dey wait for me to come back. And as a G, after forming nothing is too difficult to handle, I couldn’t even consider backing out. After like a month, she started calling her whatever kitty kat and mine Jack sparrow. Hence on my phone, e no go don reach 3 Hours when she go leave my place I would have received a text message or ping worded thus “kitty kat needs milk from captain Jack sparrow.

Three Months into the relationship and I mistakenly checked my weight one day. From my 83kg I had reduced to like 74Kg.

This was supposed to be the last straw that would break the camel’s back but I decided that this was a challenge, And I rather Die ontop this matter than runaway.

I was hanging out with my guys later,at a bar,while she was in the house waiting to sail with Jack sparrow. Thinking don finish my life, when one aboki came to our table
Oga me I don bring am for this medecine, if I take am kai ko walai talai if I hol madam, she go dey shout oga abeg oga abeg oga abeg. Kai oga dem make una buy am and una go see am for akshun” the mallam continued.

All man simply laughed the man off,including me wen need make madam shout oga abeg oga abeg. The mallam went away, without getting a buyer and I also formed going to take a leak. I succeeded in blocking the aboki beyond the view of my guys. “How e dey work again” I asked.
“Kai oga madam go shout abeg abeg till your neighbours go come beg am for you make you stop”

Ok, I just needed the oga abeg part. DId not need my neighborhood coming to beg me to stop. As I exchanged money with the aboki for the oga abeg medicine,and tucked it deep into my trousers, I wondered if I should really been doing this.

Please Drop Your nice Comments but if na insult, GPU too.

Watch out for T.E.X.T episode three as usual, next week Friday.

Check Out Hilarious other Stories here All Stories

Like us on face book and drop your emails in the subscription section of this blog to receive new stories as they drop.

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen


This is not one of those normal posts where I tell a story of my Life and make you Laugh.
Not today.
If you want a funny birthday story read happy birthday

Its my Birthday and i’ll try and sound very deep like aristotle.
There are so many reasons to be happy on your birthday.
You just succeeded in adding one more year to your Life despite your Haters wanting to bring you down, that is if you have haters o, or despite your village people always doing meeting for you in the village square. People keep asking me what is it with me and village people and I tell them that if it’s you that big mosquitoes and many other wicked creatures are lurking around in bushes to bite and somebody else is in another place not thinking about any of these things, living the life, taking selfies and turning up, it will just be natural for you to beef them.

Growing up makes you realise plenty things. As a child you know that mummy and daddy gave birth to you. What they did to give birth to you, you don’t know or why it is that mummy’s tommy is big again and she said is daddy that did it is also unknown to you. But when you grow up and realise how exactly to make a mummy’s stomach big, you can’t look at your daddy the same way and prefer not to even think the events that must have taken place.

Or is it how parents tell you that all the money visitors usually give you, that you gave to them, they used it to buy pants and socks for later grow up and realise that pants and socks dont cost that much. Please mum if you read this, I have calculated it you owe me about N50,000

Childhood innocence also makes you believe so many things which when you grow up, you can’t believe you fell for such. How many of you were told that when your biscuit falls on the ground, devil has eaten it. I know how many times in my mind I wondered why devil won’t just buy his own biscuits. And everytime my “okin” biscuit fell on the ground, my imagination just immediately brought a hand out of the ground and I saw it taking my biscuit and pulling it inwards.hence I concluded that such an entity that specialised in collecting little children’s biscuit must be wicked as they say in sunday school. Years Later,I refused to be fooled anymore, if the hand one dey comot for ground, I dey match the hand collect my biscuit for ground. Devil no know Iya Wasiu shop? He should go and buy his own joor.

Growing up, you also realise that you can no longer bath outside under the rain with sandra, Shola and Hafisat because their mummy told them that they should not allow boys to see or touch that boil growing on their chest.

You also wake up one morning and realise that your voice has broken and you now sound more like daddy but without the plenty hairs on his chin. (If as a guy your voice hasn’t broken till now, this is surely your village people. Find hammer and break it yourself. ). I Know how many times while growing up, I was forced to rub spirit under my chin so I can grow beards which until now that I write this, I have only about 26.63 strands of beards under my chin. I fully intend to find a church holding a crusade titled “you evil people, Let my beard Grow” because thankfully these churches these days are holding crusades targeted at a particular cause or enemy like this ones below.


Time passes very quickly. All of a sudden you wake up in the morning and realise that your Oga down below now stands at attention every morning, saluting the unseen NSCDC oga. I remember explaining this particular problem to my mother and all she told me is that “my son this is even easier to live with than what girls your age go through”. When I found out what girls my age go through at that stage, my brother, anyday I wake up and Jnr no wake up with me I go know say wahala don burst.

Then a time comes when babes begin to cause reactions in your body you never imagined where possible. I remember in JSS3 when we went for an excursion and the bus spoilt. They crammed all of us into one bus and I was sitting down. I politely offered **name withdrawn for security reasons** my laps to sit on instead of her standing. When she sat down comfortably and was moving her behind comfortably on my leg like say she dey ontop water bed na him gbege wan burst. Everybody dey bus dey gist I just dey look bush to deviate my attention from the biological reaction that was occuring on my lap. If you see the way I concentrate dey look bush like say I be horticulturist eh, yet e no work. Becuase like they say, you cannot cheat nature. Till today I know she must have felt something like biro chooking her but I guess her motto was better a chooking biro, than a girl standing for five hours.

Then University comes and goes with tons of crazy experiences depending on the type of friends you kept. You call your parents and add ontop of the school fees. They laugh and still send you the money and you feel like you have scammed them. But it depends on the kind of parents oh! Some parents dey binu. Be like one of my guy don do the thing too much the papa go meet HOD straight ask am how much be school fees. This nigga had been adding almost 100k on it. Well safe to say the HOD became almost like his guardian and the father was sending both feeding money straight to HOD and my guy go go discuss in not more than five sentences with the HOD why he needed money to eat.

But all in all, Growing up means a lot of responsibilities, Life takes a whole new meaning. Now your father is asking “son, what do you want to do with your life” when aforehand no body cared what you did with your life. You realise that money is not an easy thing to get, and you hail your parents who took care of you from cradle to the point where you are at now. Especially when I and my friends during NYSC wanted to buy baby food as gift for our neighbor who just gave birth. When we enter the store come price baby food eh! .Blood of **insert the blood you like best here**. We were shocked. So as a young man when you remember how much it costs to buy baby food, and take care of a woman you’ll understand the inspiration behind 2face singing “Young man, be careful and think it twice. Before you choose to use(2x) to use your device” notice the emphasis on device usage by the 2baba. My man don buy cerelac and Huggies tire e gast warn others.

And to think that one day,time will also pass and I will become a very old man. Not be able to barb a hairstyle of my choice because I might have been saddled with bald hair, not being able to walk without assistance from someone else or a walking stick . Not be able to remember what day of the week it is, or which of my grand Children exactly is sitting on my Laps. Not be able to see all the beautiful women that the Good Lord has put on the earth because of my failing eyesight. Not be able to drink anymore because am sure the doctors will say its bad for my health. And most importantly not be able to perform because all the linings on my waist must have worn out, I choose to live a good life, put as much Laughter on the faces of people, as much as I can and ensure that like my Grandfather once told me, when I asked him why he always sat alone,staring into space and smiling “son I have made sure that in my Life I have created more good memories to balance the bad ones that life throws on me. Make sure you do the same”

So on this day that the Lord has added another year to my Life, I thank Him cos no be by my power. Also special thanks go to my village people, you guys give me reasons to continue pushing on and staying strong. To my family whose prayers have continually sustained me, una too much. To my boo, chai! I love you too much. And finally to all of you who continually read this blog and even without knowing me in person, have continually with your kind words, and continuous sharing of my stories, turned something which I started out of boredom into one of the biggest and best things to have happened to me, just kneel down let me pray for you.
“your village people, shall never catch you, in Jesus name” AMEN

Included below are some funny old pictures I found of myself online. Looking back at them now, I still dont understand what I was thinking when I posted them online. But you know this village people they will use their mirror log into your account on facebook and be posting embarassing pictures….

Thanks for the Birthday wishes, DP’s,Emails, sadly once again I didn’t get calls this year for reasons beyond my control.

Read other funny stories here all stories

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
BBM: 7B749FD0

After a particularly bad exam back in school. i kept wondering which way nigeria.

After a particularly bad exam back in school. i kept wondering which way nigeria.

This was me, slimming down so i can act as a somalian terrorist in Captain Phillips

This was me, slimming down so i can act as a somalian terrorist in Captain Phillips

Forget the dressing. There i was in the middle like the ladies man i was way back in secondary school

Forget the dressing. There i was in the middle like the ladies man i was way back in secondary school

cant remember if i was High or not.... but i had to snap too biko

cant remember if i was High or not…. but i had to snap too biko

one show i went for and they refused to pay me. i couln't smile abeg

one show i went for and they refused to pay me. i couln’t smile abeg

The Ex-girlfriends Tale(T.E.X.T) Episode One

IF You are a LASTma Official and you haven’t read the prologue, please click here T.e.x.t prologue

and read before proceeding to this one.So you can enjoy it. Thank you.

Where do I even start this gist sef my people? You know how the popular adage goes, that trouble was sleeping and whoever yanga is went and woke it up. My case is somewhat similar. Only difference was that, trouble was dead and buried and I obviously being controlled by my village people went and bought shovel, dug trouble out of its grave, prayed and brought it back to Life, chained it to myself, padlocked it and then threw the keys away.

That above description might be too much of a stretch, but you’ll understand as you read on. I remember the day we set our eyes on Her. Yes my people oh! “we”. Na me and my yeye friends dey together that day. I guess this is the part where I describe how much of a jaw dropping beauty she was abi?, how her face shone like the early morning sun, and her beauty radiated and blinded us all in its glory. Or maybe how we were all eating our snacks jejely and as she walked in, we suspended our food mid-air and stared hopelessly at her, stupefied by her beauty and queenly carriage.

This is what writers would have you believe but in our case, she was there eating her food quietly at a table opposite us. One of the guys was like “that girl make?” We had all been accessing her individually and we agreed that she was Just there. It wanted to look like she was front heavy but because of the top she had on, we couldn’t conclude with absolute certainty. Before you know whats up ashewo big josh wanted to stand up and go over to the babe. Taah! My man we held him back. Not so fast. Babe wen we all see the same time, why na you go go.

Long and short of the story,we did what we always did in a situation like this where there is common interest. Spin one of the spoons on the table and whoever it faces would go and meet the babe. Spin spin spin, it stopped midway between Clarence and Big josh. Second time and it was pointing directly at me like “my son go into the evil forest, bring back the sacred leaf and heal our land”. I wasn’t too interested in the babe myself but I had been chosen by the Spoon gods. I stepped forward.

I asked to take the seat beside her and my brother if you see the look wen she give me eh! Blood of Tonto dike! Wait!(in oga at the top’s voice) that blood no be better blood abeg I retract the blood. Aswear if no be say my guys go laugh me and say I go pay the bill when next we go out to drink eh I for don back out. but No!!! I said to myself. I sat down and tried to worm my way into making her laugh or at least smile but my brother there are some really harsh babes out there o. you’ll use all your lines,circles and even triangles and they will just be looking at you like “what is wrong with this mumu sef”. I must have been on that seat talking to that babe for almost 20 minutes. I was backing my men and I know say dem go don laugh me tire. I had to beg “please na. I can kneel down if you want Just smile or just pretend your laughing so that my useless friends behind me will not laugh me to scorn when I eventually leave here”. Something like that shouldn’t have left my mouth but you wont believe it she laughed out loudly. This was the Lord’s doing.

(Wherever you are reading this, just lift up your hand and magnify His name, adore Him for he is good. He makes a way when your village people want to use palm fronds and block the road )

I didn’t rest on my oars o… at all… guys cannot dull at this point. Na night of a thousand Laughs this babe don enter so. I went on to tell her other things that drew out some more hearty laughter from her. I know you lot must have noticed how I wrote that I told her “some things” and that is because I cannot give out trade secrets on a public medium like this. I walked her to the door of the fast food and returned to my guys with a look on my face like“uncle na your mate?” “How far? You collect number?” “who she be” and various other questions came at me from every angle by the home boys. Her name is Clara I told them.

Shebi man don collect number? Next thing na to follow up with phone calls,text messages and every other tool available to a guy-man for relationship cementing. Honestly I don’t know how guys are wired. When a babe gives you tough time instead of just going away, one spirit will keep telling you to “die ontop the matter”.

Clara was giving me different shades of hot and Cold. Some days she responds very well azzin we dey talk deep and even throw sexual innuendos at each other while on some days e go dey like say she give another person the phone.

As is the case with most guys, no be say dem really really like the babe but when she keeps coming up with different mysterious sides, the inner scooby doo and shaggy in you comes out to and try demystify the babe. Nothing romantic wen I no do that period. Chocolates,Flowers(not any type o.all this yeye Nigerian guys that are not romantic. don’t cut ugwu leaf and go and give babe) ,Bribe her little sister to keep a note under her pillow, etc. But the babe was just steady curving me.

I couldn’t take it no more. I had to play the guilt card (if as a G you don’t know what this is. I’ll reserve my comment). I invited her to a garden park. The serene atmosphere and the natural scent the place had, encouraged tete-a-tete discussions. I laid it all out. Why don’t you want me? Don’t you like me? Am I not good enough for you? Is it my big nose? Do You have another guy your committed to? Please tell me. I can’t stand this emotional distress. Is it my fault that I’ve fallen for you and I want you so much? And so many other questions I posed to her with the best “why are you wickeding me like this face”I could come up with.

While I was talking to her, she had her head downcast. Azzin you know when you dey tell babe something and e don dey enter from her bone marrows into the red and white blood cells. In my mind I was like shet men! (trouser women! Another voice in my head replied). Men the response I got after all the bending down of head shocked the bejesus out of me .

She looked me straight in the eye for like 3 minutes without saying a word. Nna! To be honest with you, I fear small o, which kind of looking be this? at a point e come be like her eye balls wan dey change color to indigo. Who send me message this kind night. And then the acidic words came out of her mouth “Stevie, don’t start what you can’t finish. You can’t handle what I bring to the table. It has been a problem with other guys. Let’s just be friends please”

(My brothers and those of my sisters who sympathize genuinely with me. Let’s hold hands in spirit and just take one full minute and observe a moment of silence for that talk.)

So many things were wrong with that two lined sentence. A full blooded man with well functioning thing like me na im babe say I cant handle what she will bring to the table abi desktop. Hei! I have suffered. If this was a movie, Nollywood would name it “the igwe must hear this”.

To add insult to injury after all the sexual chats e.t.c we had had, she was now begging to friendzone me. Yes na. Let’s just be friends is bad enough. To now put PLEASE behind it is Finish him!! in mortal kombat. In an ideal world, this would have been the best time to just call it quits but my ego was at risk here and I remembered the great words of Pete Edochie or whoever it was who said that quitters never win and winners never ever quit. I resolved there and then to pursue the heaven out of this girl. I was still trying to come to terms with the one she said when she stared at me for another three minutes this time her eyes changing to red and what I heard next was.
Are you good in bed?
I became Confused.

Please Drop Your nice Comments but if na insult, GPU too.

Watch out for T.E.X.T episode two next week.

Check Out Hilarious other Stories here All Stories

Like us on face book and drop your emails in the subscription section of this blog to receive new stories as they drop.

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen

The Ex-girlfriends Tale (T.E.X.T)


See ehn! How I reached the conclusion that Barbara was my final bustop is still beyond comprehension. If one was to go by the stories we are regaled with in movies and book,that when you meet “the one” as they are referred to, the world just stops. They make it look like “the one” causes so much butterflies in your stomach that if someone was to press your stomach hard enough, you would start vomiting those beautifully winged creatures. Well, in my case, albeit it wasn’t that way, I Just knew this was it and she was it. Nothing exceptional or remarkably out of the ordinary in my opinion.

Different reactions trailed my decision to get married. My mother for some reason had taken a particular liking to Barbara and was ecstatic, while my father beamed with manly pride at my decision to finally become, in his own words, “responsible”. As for my guys-The Homeboys, they could not believe it when I brought them together amidst bottles and broke the news to them that I, fondly referred to as “the Uncle”, was going to tie the knot.. I could see the bewildered expression on their faces asking how and why I had decided to “tie my nuts”. We had been very close pals dating as far back as secondary school days and if people who knew us well could cast a vote as to who would leave bachelorhood first, I would have carried kpo – a word used by my Yoruba friends to describe when someone comes an astounding last.

Big Josh was the only one in the crew who wasn’t particularly surprised. He constantly reiterated whenever the opportunity presented itself, that this Barbara babe had jazzed me “see guys I don tell Una, that babe don wash put for Stevo. She don use am make pepper-soup for the boy. Babes these days no dey put am for normal food again. Dem dey use am do pepper-soup so you go drink am well well and e go enter like mad. Aswear if you finally marry this babe the souvenir wen I go print go be After much much 2014 Barbara Hooks Stephen” He always said, drawing great laughter from the guys and denial on my part that that was the case. I couldn’t see it but it was obvious, that this babe had taken a part of me.

The way time runs when you’re about to take a major life decision is amazing. Before you know what is happening my brothers and sisters in the Lord I don collect List. Faster than you can say “John-bull my son” I was sitting down and one babe was looking for me in a crowd with wine while other guys were waving their hands for her to come towards them. When it dawned on me that obago was when she eventually found me, knelt down, drank small from the wine, and gave me to finish the remaining contents of the cup. No do no do my people ehn!, I was traditionally married.

So here I am. On the “D Day” about to make the biggest decision of my life. I can’t back out now. The squad had made sure all the wedding arrangements went according to plan. They told me to just concentrate on getting married. I had chosen Big Josh to be my best man because honestly he had been my best man for as long as I can remember. No matter how hard he tried, his eyes betrayed the fact that he could not still believe I was leaving the G circle.

Looking at the mirror, I could see my neatly carved hair courtesy of “small”my ghetto barber who had refused to leave the ghetto and hone his skills on a larger scale. My Giorgio Armani suit, hugging every part of my body tightly as if to prevent me from running away from the wedding, if I considered the thought. The white shirt and a sky blue Thomas pink tie, sitting atop a glistening black Kurt Geiger shoes gave me that same groom look I saw on the faces of the guys whose weddings I had attended. Even if I was unsure of what was going on, as I stepped out of the hotel I had dressed up into a well decorated jeep with “The Groom” written on the plate numbers, I knew this was finally it.

Please don’t get me wrong. I was excited about getting married o but my excitement no fit reach Barbara own. Women eh! Marriage can sweet dem like mad. In this age of social networking, that continually makes the world smaller, everybody knows everybody and it is relatively easy for information to spread to the ends of the world. BBM and Facebook are more than enough tools to ensure that both Amadioha, Sango and your dead ancestors know that you’re having an event. Just one post there and voilà! You just succeeded in inviting from an Oga at the top to Musa your former gate man who surprisingly weeks ago, sent you a request on facebook. But you know women na, Barbara inclusive. Everybody must know o. All those village people who felt they will die single, must know that their plans failed. Hence from when they get proposed to, the ring don appear for their BBM, Facebook, Instagram and even 2go. Other babes too, whether they are happy for the person who got a ring or not, usually put up the same picture to remind their current boo not to be forming “not seeing”whenever he is passing where they are selling ring.

Personally, I would have preferred to go the whole event low-key because as I and the squad always joked, with all our escapades and adventures with women, it won’t be surprising for somebody to stand up and give reasons why the marriage shouldn’t hold. I specifically got assured by the pastor that no such question would be asked today. Na when person don suffer plan wedding, pay for hall finish and buy better suit such as I’m wearing now na im person go come say e get reason to stop the wedding. Repeat after me “Tufia for my village people.”

People I had not seen in years, had either called or sent me messages on various social networks both congratulating me and assuring me of their presence or apologizing for not being able to make it as the case may be. To be candid, I couldn’t care less for some of the callers. All I wanted was for today to just come and go as planned without drama.

But You know how this life sometimes is. No matter how hard you try to make sure things go according to plan, Life has her own way of throwing in twists and turns. As I stepped down from the car into the church premises it was almost like a house of horror. A gathering of my past. Exactly the people you didn’t want to see on your wedding day. How some of them got here still befuddles me. The sight before me made me lose all confidence that today would be uneventful.

Every corner I cast my eyes, I could see an ex-girlfriend, some friends with benefits, and some others whom I can’t even describe the relationship I had with them. On a day like this, it is not unheard of for some of your exes maybe like one or two, to come around (especially when you have had like one million) but not the entire crew na. It was almost like someone had gone round, specially invited and made sure they made it to the wedding. Azzin e come be like say dem get Association of any babe that has had something to do with uncle Stephen’s meeting and had unanimously reached a decision to honor my wedding with their presence.

Whilst still trying to take all that was before me in, I saw Clara walk towards me with a twinkle in her eyes. How did she find out I was getting married?.With each step that brought her closer to me, I  closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to God in my heart. “please father. Let today go well and according to your will abeg. Please and please and please Lord, this is one day I do not want my Village people to succeed.”I opened my eyes, and there she was in front of me “hi Stevie” I heard her say, just exactly the same way she used to sound. I couldn’t resist it. The memories came pouring in.



(kneels down and raises hands)Wait don’t abuse me. You are a Christian its not right in the sight of the Lord. That’s why its called a prologue.

Want to find out who Clara is?
Then watch out for episode one

Meanwhile if your vexing too much, read other hilarious stories on the blog here All stories If you have read them. Read again.I know you’ve forgotten

Follow the blog by dropping your e-mail in the subscription box either below or above, depending on the kind of china phone you are using to read this blog. so that when next a story drops you’ll know asap

Till then,
Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen
BBM: 7B749FD0


The Toasting II


Once again,We made the Shortlist for the 2013 Nigerian Blog awards in the “Best Humor Blog” Category because so many of you took your time to vote for us. Now na Leen down I leen down. I take God beg una…. Voting has started and we need to win. If not for anything, do it and let us shame my Village people. Biko, Ejoor just click here,VOTE FOR US or on the nominee Badge. Fill your e-mail and name and go to our category (Best Humor Blog) and check for our name “Home Of Humor Stories”. If you get any e-mail, please click the link to confirm your vote. I love you all (no homo guys, its 14years).
To Fully Enjoy/Gbadun dis story,READ PART ONE HERE The Toasting




I couldn’t continue like this….
I knew I needed external help and I knew where to get it.

The term was almost ending. We were done with our examinations and were at that period where you just come to school and play for about 2 weeks whilst teachers compiled results to determine who had carried first and who had carried kpo!

I had two weeks to get the girl I had always dreamed about…Shade in SS1b.
From my private investigations, she was still single and she liked me. But she was a girl na, so I had to muster up the courage to tell her ‘the koko’.

When Monday morning came, I walked up to Joel. The man with the Plan. The man who had 3 babes inside one school and it was all going smoothly. He was the last of 7 boys, so he had learnt the ropes perfectly from his elder ones. He knew what to say, what to do to make you laugh. I had even seen him cry for a babe when things got tough and he had for eternity always convinced me that there was nothing hard there. “Just go, look the babe deep inside her eyes”, he would say “and the words go just dey come outside”

LASTma like me, if I followed the same process, the only words that would come out of my mouth would be “My friend, park here!”.

“Na you dey dull yourself. I dey see dat girl eye, she love you die but you need to say something. See, women are like that”, He started with his pep talk again. “You need to make her feel wanted”, (he said whilst imitating a hug). “You need to go close to her” (he stepped close to me).
“You need to look into her eyes (He looked into my own eye) and just say it slowly with all the emotions you can (his face quickly compressed to reveal that what he was about to say was from deep within). Shade, I can’t stop thinking about you.” The words came so slowly, so from somewhere that could easily be described as the bottom of his heart, that I could understand why girls loved this boy.

“Now pretend I’m the girl” he said “tell me how you feel about me”. I agreed and stepped up to him. “Good afternoon Shade” I said. “Cut!” he screamed “which one is good afternoon? And why are you boning your face like you are drinking iya kamoru’s agbo? What you should say is something like ‘hello pretty’ and smile, my friend, smile. See Stevo, the words have to flow. Just let it flow…in short, I know what to do!”

He ran out of the class…
Minutes later, he returned with the adage that if Mohammed wouldn’t go to the mountain, the mountain would come to Mohammed. Instantly, I understood what he meant. He had gone to tell the babe that I wanted to see her after school.

Time wore on painfully…
My mind was a mash of emotions.
What would I say, how would I begin.
I painted different scenarios in my head as to how to go about it, and all of them seemed to end in me turning Jet Li and speaking Chinese again.

Gbagaun! Gbagaun!

The sound I did not want to hear came.
I tried to get up but something was holding my butt to the seats. Joel forcefully dragged me up. As I was walking out of the class, I kept repeating to myself “Let it flow, Just Let it flow.”
Then, I saw her waiting for me alone in front of her class. I fainted within, even though I was conscious in reality. Joel kept pushing me on. Encouraging me to let it flow. That this is nothing. Each step that took me closer to her was arduous.
Joel quickly walked in front of me, went to her said something that made her laugh, while he waved goodbye. Just less than 10 seconds with her and she was laughing. How come every one these days is ‘basketmouth’, except me?
5 steps and I would be face to face with her. All that was in my head was the constant reminder to let it flow.






“Hello cutie” I heard myself say, “how are you doing today?”
“Very fine, Stephen” she replied with a very wonderful smile.
“And you?” she asked.
“Awesome and even more, now that I have seen you.”

Hian??? Na me be dis?
So far so good oh, no chinese! ( e fun oluwa l’ogo!!!!)
Can I walk you home? I asked.
“Yeah no problem, I’d love that”

Una hear am?, she says she’ll love that o….. omo e be like the something don sha dey flow o

10minutes into the walking home, I had not said a word. We were just walking side by side like a quarreling old couple. The amount of calculation going on in my head at that point eh! No super computer in the world could carry out that much calculation in a minute. When we got to the Junction from which she would walk to her house, she said, “Joel said you wanted to tell me something and you haven’t said anything really”

From nowhere, I heard myself saying;
“The thing is, Shade, what I wanted to tell you is that…” I stepped closer to her,

Looked her eyeball to eyeball,

I held her gaze for all of about 10seconds.
And said……

Chai ! I said…

azzin if you imagine what I said…

“Just wanted to tell you that if you had any problem in chemistry, I’m always here to help”
Ababio quickly appeared on my shoulder and also said “Charlie! Dex ten you are talk be ah nonsense”

Honestly, in my head I thought I said I liked her and she was beautiful and all the other things I was supposed to say. How the words “problem” and “chemistry” escaped my lips beats me till today.

The disappointment was just too obvious. I heard her say a half-hearted “Okay” and “I’ll see you tomorrow” as she walked on without even looking back like they do in all those romance movies. (Play sorrowful soundtrack here)

I cursed my Village people as I walked home, and all night before I fell asleep. The morning sun rays coming into my room only helped to remind me of how much of a chemistry teacher wanna-be I was the previous day. But my God had not forgotten me.
Pastors Voice: Somebody say amen!, Halleluyah Somebody. Charlie! The lad is Ged. Charlie me ah be tell u say, dis is ah day dat de led has med

I was recounting my ordeal the previous day, to my head coach Joel. He was already rambling on and on about how this was easy, and I was a dulling guy. “Even if you no get anything to talk, just dey ask am questions. She go do the talking, errr dis boy where you come from?”
He was rambling on, when something caught his attention and he stopped talking. Turning around to see what had taken his interest, I saw Shade and I fainted again.

“Hi Joel”, “Hello preeeeety” he replied. I Immediately crammed the way he said it, the cadence of his voice and the babe-magnetic pace at which those two words came out of his mouth. Genius, absolutely genius, I tell you.
“Hi stephen, can I please see you for some minutes”

Like Black Magic, Joel disappeared and I was left alone with the only advise I could remember that morning.
“just dey ask am questions”

“So what’s up” I heard myself say with hot piss building up in my bladder. (abeg u guys should free me joor. “Whats up” no be question?)
“I wanted you to explain something in chemistry for me, that I don’t understand”

For real??????

I knew what this meant. This girl liked me but I just had to be the one to make the move. She had done the best she could as a girl to form, “explain chemistry for me”.

For the next 50 minutes, I was as fluent as President Obama during his campaign, explaining all sorts of things to her. Lord knows what I really wanted to explain was body chemistry. *wink*

Make her understand that I might be looking calm on the outside but inside me I have ya werey

For the next 7 days, I kept teaching her chemistry and walking her home in silence, while she did most of the talking. Things were just different with her. Even when she offered me iya biliki’s babadudu it tasted sweeter to me. I always sent her text messages at night, from those 200 Love sms books. But talk wetin dey der for real life. No way.

My Coach, Joel kept pushing me to tell her my mind. “See, make I tell you. As far say you never tell her anything, that girl na your guy just like me. Na your person, your nigga. Your friend. And if another guy come chook head now, she don go be that and u no go fit vex.”

Whenever I finished talking to Joel
I charged ‘argh!!!!!!!!!!!’ like the incredible hulk. But whenever she came around, I became ‘meow’ like a frightened kitten.

3 days to the end of the term, and I had still not told her my mind. Joel even gave me a note to practice what I was going to tell her.

It read :

“Shade I really don’t know how to say this (pause for 4 seconds), but I can’t help it anymore. (while saying this, squint your eyes and shake your head to the left and right). The way you make me feel is like nothing I have ever felt before. (just keep looking at her for 10 seconds). When I’m around you I feel (repeat twice) really(pause) really (pause) special. Nothing else just matters to me in school, other than hearing your voice (look at her lips) and seeing your beautiful face (look around her face). You make me happy and I…… I just want a chance (break and take a deep breath)… a chance to make you happy too. I care aboutchu….i needchu and I wantchu to be my girl. I want to be there for you at anytime. Please just give me a chance (hold her hand and look into her eyes). You can say no, but a yes would be giving your heart a chance to overwhelming happiness, Shade this might be too early, but I love you. Please dont say No”

*Years Later, I found out that the above note was from a movie that starred Emeka Ike and Genevieve and the nigga just copied and gave to me.*

For the next two days, I practiced without restraint. I planned to tell her the words on the final day of school, just incase she dull me omo I would have about two months to recover before I saw her again.
Joel my Coach was very helpful to remind me of where to pause and where to squint my eyes and where to hold her hand.

Of particular concern to me was the part where I said nothing else matters in school except her. Whenever I got to that line, either ababio appeared and asked “charlie! Even me dant matter?”
Or I imagined my father hearing me say that the only thing that mattered to me was a babe. (na die get me be that)

The Deal Day arrived.


I was a nervous wreck that day.
I held my love note very well and glanced at it periodically as the time approached. Teachers went into each class and distributed results. I couldn’t care less what I made, I had a greater calling to answer.


As I opened my desk to look once more at my note, before proceeding to action, I couldn’t find it. I panicked. This couldn’t be happening. I know I had practiced over and over but the words just disappeared from my head.

Oh no!

Joel came to inform me that my Bellé was waiting to be dazzled by my sweet words. I wanted to retreat but I had told her yesterday that I would tell her that thing I always wanted to tell her today.

I walked out…not knowing what to say as I approached her at our designated meeting point. Each step and my brain got even more empty. I was face to face with her at this point. “Hi Shade” I said. At least I no forget that one.
“Hey Stephen” she replied rather dully,
“Before you say anything stephen, I have something to tell you”“Shhhh” I said while placing my hand on her lips (I learnt it from one movie I saw the previous night o) “I have been postponing this for too long, and its time I let it out”
and then the words came…..
“Shade,I don’t know how else to say this, but I really like you. I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while now but for some reasons the words have refused to come. I care alot aboutchu. Spending time with you just makes me the happiest boy on earth. I wish I had done this earlier and I hope it is not too late now. You have a wonderful heart and i want to be a part of your life not just as a friend. Please Shade, be my girlfriend and I will make you a very happy girl”

**dances skelewu**
Omo see flow!!!
I Believed myself.

I looked at her face.
She had waited so long to hear me say those words, obviously.
The unexpected suddenly happened. A tear drop ran down her face.

Either this meant… Omo I bad pass Tony Montana or the rubbish I had said was so bad that it pushed her to tears.

Then she said the words no guy in this world wants to hear….”I’m sorry Stephen, I can’t” (in my mind, I held my chest and shouted JESUS!)
“Why?” I asked almost in tears (Please Lord don’t let her say “its not you its me” I prayed)
“That’s what I wanted to tell you before you started. I really really like you and I have been waiting for the day you would eventually ask me out. But the thing is that, my dad got a job in Abuja and he is relocating the entire family there. I won’t see you again after today. We leave tomorrow.” and she broke into real tears.

Nna! I wanted to cry too but I had to console her, kinda.
See what being a Lastma Official had caused me. Once more I walked her home in silence. When we got to her junction, I gave her a big teddy bear hug and assured her that we will keep communicating somehow. And even if things did not work out for the dating thing, we could still be friends (pathetic! I must say).

I watched her walk the entire length of her street, get to her gate, look at me one last time and go in. Something told me I would never see her again and as if to reinforce that thought, Ababio appeared on my shoulder to remind me “Charlie! She be really gone”

I got home that day, and I wailed.
I learnt from this, that time waits for no one and the best time to plant was ten years ago, and the next best time to plant, is now.

Please drop your comments ( You can now do that with your Facebook ID and twitter handle also)

Once More Please Click here VOTE FOR US or on the Nominee Badge at the end of this post to Vote “Home Of Humor Stories”
as Best Humor Blog In the 2013 Nigerian Blog awards. Gracias

Check Out Hilarious other Stories here ALL STORIES

Your Favourite,
Uncle Stephen